Yes, I’m taking a break from the whining about every network in existence to yammer on about something I should pretend not to like.  Then again, my tastes have always been weird and I love to comment on how CBC Radio doesn’t seem to understand how to create a half-decent radio program as if most people somehow care about my opinion or something.  Then again, when I see this article from The Globe and Mail – I apologize for linking to The Public Airwaves, shills for the CBC as they obviously are – and read this quote, it really makes me wonder about CBC Radio’s (or Brad Wheeler’s) grip on how to appeal to a younger audience:

The Saturday evening Vinyl Tap begins its 10-week run on July 2, and although the program airs an hour earlier than Finkleman’s 45s did (7 p.m., as opposed to 8 p.m.), the younger, hipper Bachman, aged 61, is essentially replacing the quirky, elder Finkleman, 62.

Read that to yourself.  “…the younger, hipper Bachman, aged 61, is essentially replacing the quirky, elder Finkleman, 62.”  That has to be a joke on Wheeler’s part.  Randy Bachman is one year younger than Danny Finkleman and somehow his show will appeal to a totally different audience?  They’re both playing rock and roll standards from the 1950′s, for god’s sake!  The only difference between the two programs seems to be that Bachman isn’t going to whine about how toothbrushes have gone downhill in quality and how his back hurts!  Oh, but “younger kids” like BTO.  The thought processes of a national government-funded broadcaster, they never steer you wrong.

Anyway, I’ve decided to do a little preview of CBC Radio’s summer output.  I will review some of their shows later, and this year I’ll promise to balance this with reviews of competing radio media – hopefully, my depression/ennui will be quashed enough by then to care about things people actually give a shit about, like wrestling and/or tits.  You know why I do this – to become popular with a lefty and/or righty Internet crowd, gain some actual money for this writing business and then sell out to join the writing staff of dose.  You think I’m doing this for URBMN simply because I like writing about media?  Screw that!  I WANT TO BE AN ANTONIA ZERBASIAS SYCOPHANT!  LIKE MARC WEISBLOTT!

That was a joke, by the way (and a bad in-joke at the best of times.)  I try not to lean too left or right an awful lot.  That doesn’t mean I’m apolitical, but I tend to be best when I’m playing subjective/objective.  It helps with credibility.

AMERICAN MAVERICKS
CBC SAYS: American Mavericks features the iconoclastic, tradition-breaking composers who shaped the development of American music.
WHAT IT IS, REALLY: Hooray, APR filler’s back.  I don’t really hate this show, but I can’t believe CBC Radio doesn’t just rip off the show instead of buying it from the US.  At least American Mavericks is airing on CBC Radio Two, which really needs all the contemporary programs it can get these days.  I’ll never understand how playing classical music in the morning, jazz at night and whatever passes for cutting-edge post-punk and electronic music after 12:05/on weekends is a winning combination to the network.  Is it asking too much for a death metal/grindcore program on the CBC, or are they going to ignore all but the more desirable niche audiences?  Campus radio is more hip, and most of it can be damn near unlistenable at times.

Give me a show!  I OWN YOU!

BEST OF OUTFRONT
CBC SAYS: The most compelling stories from the past season of Outfront.
WHAT IT IS, REALLY: Filler to cut into As It Happens’ running time on Tuesdays.  Standard CBC-level leftist dogma, you can’t get enough of it.  You should, but CBC Radio is more stupid than evil as dogma goes.

THE CIRCUIT
CBC SAYS: Sun-drenched doses of blues, rock, roots, world beat and more from Canada’s best summer festivals. And some of the country’s finest classical and jazz performances.
WHAT IT IS, REALLY: Grab-bag of the same old musical crap that CBC Radio is well known for.  It doesn’t air this enough in the fall, then?

At least the show couldn’t be as bad as The CBC Festival of Funny.  How many names and formats will CBC Radio give its grab-bag comedy show, anyway?

CONNECTIONS
CBC SAYS: Connections features the best documentaries from public broadcasters around the world, including Netherlands, Australia, New Zealand and Great Britain.
WHAT IT IS, REALLY: CBC Overnight Service Prime Time.  Considering how much CBC Radio promotes its summer schedule, is this really necessary?  Man, does CBC Radio love its filler.  Millions of dollars and this is the quality of program Canadians get.  Wonderful.

DEEP NIGHT
CBC SAYS: The return of spine tingling radio. Deep Night is an anthology of ten new thrillers with a twist of the fantastic.
WHAT IT IS, REALLY: This could be good.  CBC Radio doesn’t do a bad job on these radio thrillers.  I don’t listen to this stuff, but this has more potential to be entertaining than…well, The Circuit.  $10 says George Buza will be featured in at least three episodes.

FIRST VOICE
CBC SAYS: A series of programs with a new take on Aboriginal issues.
WHAT IT IS, REALLY: One of two aboriginal programs on the summer schedules.  Why CBC Radio can’t lump the two shows together, I’ll never understand.  Is it that hard to put a program schedule together when there’s almost no competition for what CBC Radio does?  This just seems like overarching to sate a desired minority.  Two shows for the aboriginals, no shows for the Inuit.  Unfair.

FUSE
CBC SAYS: What happens when you throw two hot songwriters together in a studio in front of a live studio audience? Sparks fly and ignite something brand spanking new.
WHAT IT IS, REALLY: Wow, CBC Radio found the nerve to both rip off In The Fishtank and leave room for a possible lawsuit from the station formerly known as MuchMusic USA?  Neat!  Do Neil Young and Gary Numan!

GLOBAL PERSPECTIVES
CBC SAYS: Global Perspectives is a theme-based documentary program featuring documentaries from around the world. This year’s theme is romance.
WHAT IT IS, REALLY: More documentary filler.  How much is CBC Radio given for programs, anyway?  Is CBC Radio always this cheap?

LA SUITE ROYALE
CBC SAYS: The perfect soundtrack for your sophisticated lifestyle.
WHAT IT IS, REALLY: Probably a swing and lounge music show.  How am I supposed to know with this vague detail CBC Radio gives me?  Is CBC Radio even trying to come up with a decent summer schedule this year, or is it just throwing out wall sods?

LOST AND FOUND
CBC SAYS: Life is made up of the lost and found. Lost & Found explores personal stories on everything from confidence and identity, to love and luggage.
WHAT IT IS, REALLY: One of those sufficiently vague shows CBC Radio does from time to time that will surely be renewed for at least five seasons (i.e., this year’s Bunny Watson or Wiretap.)  I’m happy that the show will carve off a portion of Definitely Not The Opera‘s four-hour time block, but is there honestly a show here?  This seems more like a rushed brain fart.

O’REILLY ON ADVERTISING
CBC SAYS: O’Reilly on Advertising offers a rare cook’s tour of the Ad Game. More than good, it’s good for you, it is a great weekly source of Media Literacy.
WHAT IT IS, REALLY: Aside from the lecture CBC Radio gives me about how I should be educated, this could be the breakout show of the summer.  It’s different from what CBC Radio is doing most of the time and its promo clip begins with an Orson Welles outtake.  There’s too much of the CBC Radio “feel” here from the promo clip.  Get off the soapbox, and O’Reilly on Advertising will immediately become one of the best CBC Radio shows of the 2000′s.

I wish CBC could do more shows like this.  Really.

PROMO GIRL IN THE MYSTERY OF…
CBC SAYS: This summer, Promo Girl has a mystery to solve a mystery that will play out across the Radio One schedule all summer long.
WHAT IT IS, REALLY: God, a show based around the CBC Radio promo voiceover?  Promo Girl is one of the most annoying things about CBC Radio right now.  When this gimmick debuted last summer it was mildly cute, but her schtick has already grown amazingly tired.  Most of the things I hate about CBC Radio are ignorable, but EVERY HALF HOUR BEFORE THE NEWS Promo Girl’s incessantly forced voiceover spiels make me want to kill this woman.  Is CBC Radio purposely trying to give me an aneurysm?

RANDY BACHMAN’S VINYL TAP
CBC SAYS: Two hours of music and stories from one of Canada’s musical legends, Randy Bachman. Randy plays his favourite songs and tells stories from his life on the road and in the studio.
WHAT IT IS, REALLY: Finkleman’s 45s with a more entertaining host.  Come on, anyone expecting different probably thinks my 58-year-old father is too “out there” to sustain a two-hour music program.  Bachman’s not going to play The Nihilist Spasm Band, now!

THE RED EDGE
CBC SAYS: A new half-hour of ‘totally aboriginal’ radio from Winnipeg. Get to know some of Canada’s most outstanding and outspoken aboriginal innovators, artists and educators.
WHAT IT IS, REALLY: See First Voice.  Alternatively, watch APTN where they’re not wanting but for hours of this panel/doco stuff.

ROUTES MONTREAL
CBC SAYS: Routes Montreal features local and nationally known Canadian songwriters recorded live in studio at CBC Montreal.
WHAT IT IS, REALLY: “We couldn’t come up with better shows for the summer, so here’s a bog-standard music show produced by one of our local affiliates.  Enjoy!”

SIMPLY SEAN
CBC SAYS: Join legendary Canadian comic Sean Cullen every Saturday morning this summer for an hour of great music and off the wall observations.
WHAT IT IS, REALLY: Sean Cullen is one of the best comedians Canada has, and he has the talent to make it internationally (the ‘legend’ part, though…premature.  At least right now.)  Why he’s slumming it on CBC Radio in the Go slot, popular as the show is, is a mystery.  I don’t understand why CBC Radio wouldn’t give him a proper sketch comedy show like CBC Television did a year ago.  Look, the man’s genuinely funny and he deserves more than the formula music/talk hybrid common to MomCo.  Let’s see what he does with the format.  If he replaces Brent Bambury in some way, Sean Cullen will have done CBC Radio programming a huge favour.

SHUFFLE
CBC SAYS: Shuffle is your personal music mix, a showcase for the brand-new sounds of Canada.
WHAT IT IS, REALLY: Wow!  A contemporary music program on Radio Two?  On Monday?  Can Radio Two do that?

Seriously, shouldn’t CBC Radio petition the CRTC for a third radio network these days?  Either go whole hog and contemporize Radio Two or get off the whole Radio 3 kick.  Man, this network.

SKYLARKIN’
CBC SAYS: When Andre Alexis isn’t writing novels, he’s usually listening to music, all kinds of music, from classical to world to Western swing.
WHAT IT IS, REALLY: Oh god, not Andre Alexis!  What is with CBC Radio that it gives this man an unfocused program where he’s going to start telling his crappy stories to the radio audience?  Worse off, the show has this stupid title that has to have been ripped off from five seconds of listening to XTC.  I won’t be listening to this, I assure you.

SPOTLIGHT: BEST OF THE WORLD
CBC SAYS: The best programs from public broadcasters worldwide, presented in their entirety.
WHAT IT IS, REALLY: Yet more budget programming.  CBC’s doing an awful lot of it these days.  Seriously, the CBC needs a charity drive or two.

STATION TO STATION
CBC SAYS: An energetic romp through the top of the music charts from around the world.
WHAT IT IS, REALLY: Looks to me like a popular-music version of Global Village.  Man, what a weak summer schedule.  How many ideas do CBC Radio execs have in their collective idea pool, three?

TALKING BOOKS
CBC SAYS: Do you enjoy stimulating conversation about great books? Then Talking Books is for you. The summer run will feature the best episodes from the past season.
WHAT IT IS, REALLY: Ooh, panel discussion!  I can understand the show’s audience, though.  Ian Brown’s good at this Imprint-type stuff, so I’ll overlook it.  Discussing the merits of an Alice Munro novel is really not my thing, but at least the show doesn’t feature bloody Promo Girl.

Remember, the summer season begins June 27.  WWE’s schedules, though, are year-round.  Watch WWE Raw® 9PM Mondays on TSN!

As long as I’m shilling…now gimme some money.

1. QUIT USING FILLER TO APPEASE CANCON REGULATIONS.  This goes for Vicki Gabereau, Comedy Inc., Comedy Now!, eTalk Daily, Brat Camp, whatever Mike Duffy’s doing now, 21©, Daily Planet, My Own Private Oshawa, Question Period, and anything else that’s either a reality show or taken from a Bell Globemedia cable channel – or both.  That’s just on CTV – if I had to talk about The Comedy Network or CTV Travel, I’d be here all day, wouldn’t I?  I’ll talk more about The Comedy Network later.
2. TRY TO GET MORE CANADIAN SHOWS IN YOUR TOP TEN.  IF THAT MEANS DUMPING THE O.C., SO BE IT.  The only reason CTV is the #1 Canadian network is because of its amazing reliance on popular American programs.  The only Canadian shows that ever break the Top Ten Neilsen ratings (like they mean shit) with regularity are Corner Gas and Canadian Idol.  The popularity of those two shows does not excuse CTV from its terrible reputation with regards to Canadian programming.  CTV is still reliant on The Comedy Network for much of its “original” programming.  The news division is living off of reputation alone.  I and other viewers haven’t forgotten about Sonic Temple, The Associates, The Warm-Up Show and half a painful decade with Mike Bullard.
    
   Make no mistake, CTV is doing better with Canadian programming.  The network still goes on the cheap most of the time (The Warm-Up Show purely existed as the televised warm-up act for Mike Bullard) and that Corner Gas made any headway at all is a great surprise.  Honestly, with CTV’s 2005-06 season the network is going conservative, holding on to its three CSI programs (this is considered CanCon, I believe, due to Alliance Atlantis footing the bill for all three series) and all of the hits it’s poached from America.  I hate this strategy for one reason: the debuting Canadian shows will only air in 2006 as mid-season replacements and relying heavily on extremely popular, of-the-moment American series is going to backfire on CTV sooner or later.  Once shows like Lost go sour (Law & Order already is to varying degrees), CTV’s Neilsen stranglehold will erode.  The network isn’t all that different from NBC during the late 1990′s: all top, no bottom.  CTV will reach the ratings dumper within a few seasons, mark my words.  Ivan Fecan is not a genius.
3. STOP RELYING SO MUCH ON CANADIAN IDOL.  Ryan Malcolm and Kalan Porter overstayed their welcome, as has almost anyone touched by the Pop Idol juggernaut.  American Idol is overexposed anyway, and that whole “Paula Abdul did me favours” nonsense didn’t help its credibility.  Series like American Idol follow the same pattern: they become massive hits, become overexposed through the greed of certain networks (this time, Fox), and go through a short shelf life.  NBC botched Last Comic Standing this way, and American Idol‘s ratings have taken the same drop.  Canadian Idol won’t last and it hasn’t discovered a long-lasting star yet.  I only need to point to Global and its Popstars series to figure out that the chances of any “discovered through television” talent becoming more than a one-hit wonder in Canada are slim to none.  Even American Idol came up with Kelly Clarkson, but that was an astounding fluke on the show’s end.  Thank shit she developed as an artist, huh?
    
   My words fall on deaf ears to some since I do listen to death metal and noise, granted, but I haven’t heard much from Pop Idol-related talents that wasn’t manipulative, audience-heart-tugging “top 40″ radio dross.  It all sounds like Backstreet Boys Version 10.0 to me.  I hate Pop Idol with a passion.  Thanks, FremantleMedia.
4. HOW ABOUT YOU STOP PROMOTING POP SINGERS ON ALL YOUR PROGRAMMING?  THE COMMERCIALS ARE ANNOYING.  This ties in to #3, but if I wasn’t going to buy an Alexz Johnson CD before I’m not going to buy it now.  I don’t see why CTV needs to promote every music show crossover release in existence, and yes, I’m also referring to the Juno nominees’ CD CTV kept plugging earlier this year.  It’s nice to see CTV involved in promoting the music industry, but could the network do it without shoving Simple Plan in my face?  Did it ever occur to any of you execs that said band might be one of the most annoying bands in existence?  Have you no shame?
5. TAKING PROGRAMMING FROM THE COMEDY NETWORK IS A LAZY WAY TO ADD PROGRAMMING TO CTV (AND VICE VERSA.)  Corner Gas is promoted like hell on The Comedy Network these days, airing at 8:30 Fridays in the block that debuts the most recent South Park episodes. I can’t forget the constant bumpers telling me how the critics love it, even if I wanted to.  Bell Globemedia and CTV seem to have quite the hard-on for the show, even though the show has only had two seasons to its name and isn’t as good as the hype would have people believe.  Corner Gas has made a name out of Brent Butt – he made a right mess of his hosting gig for the 2005 Juno Awards, apparently – but he isn’t that versatile as a performer.  Corner Gas is one of those “quirky” “Canadian” “sitcoms” that relies on Butt’s stand-up schtick of being some guy from some small redneck town like Tisdale, Sasketchewan.  The cast is built around him to reflect that “quirky” “small-town” nature.
    
   It irks me, because Corner Gas is a rather conventional Canadian sitcom that really isn’t that different from The Beachcombers – had SCTV been new in 2004 instead of constantly driven into the ground through Comedy Network reruns, this is the show it would have savaged.  This sort of Canada has been shown so many times as to be a myth, yet Corner Gas is CTV’s biggest prime-time comedy hit since seemingly ever.  That doesn’t mean CTV should allow the show to become immediately overexposed through its appropriate cable channel considering most cable subscribers get both CTV and The Comedy Network as part of the basic package. Then again, I don’t work for Bell Globemedia.  The company spent big bucks on Corner Gas, now!  Why, for the price of Corner Gas CTV could have simulcast at least three CBS sitcoms instead!  How dare I criticize!
    
   I also despise when shows like Comedy Inc. and Comedy Now! are trotted out on CTV to fill obligatory CanCon timeslots.  Considering the bulk of this transplanted programming essentially features a guy doing standup for thirty/sixty minutes on a stage, it isn’t exactly daring programming.  In fact, CTV is almost as bad at going on the cheap as Global is yet doesn’t get the catcalls Global does for doing so.  Comedy Inc. (CTV, great with titles) is a relatively decent sketch comedy show that airs on a good night, but I’m not fooled.  It’s a cheap way to fill thirty minutes, just like Comedy Now!  In fact, it seems the most inexpensive Comedy Network programs end up filling death timeslots, and this makes CTV look like it’s increasing its Canadian content.  Yes, fifteenth-go-round reruns of Ron James and Brent Butt stand-up routines (half of which were redundant since CBC focused on stand-up earlier in the decade – you’d be surprised how much recycled material is in some Comedy Now! episodes) are exactly what I’d put a CTV Originals wrapper around in 2005.  Don’t worry, though, because the comedians are allowed to say FUCK AND SHIT!  AT 9PM!  SUCKS TO YOUR CENSORS, CBC!  CTV IS HOT SHIT, BABY!
6. BELL GLOBEMEDIA OWNS CTV AND TSN.  UTILIZE YOUR SPORTS DIVISION, DAMMIT.  CTV Sports, aside from when it broadcasts the Olympics, doesn’t seem to exist as a division.  It’s funny, because a lot of TSN shows could and should strengthen CTV Sports’ lineup.  TSN is why Bell Globemedia sold CTV Sportsnet to Rogers, isn’t it?  The crown jewel of Canadian sports networks and one of the best assets it has, and what sort of team-ups are they doing?  Oh, golf and figure skating then?  The IIHF World Junior Hockey Championship?  What the hell is that?
    
   Seriously, though, CTV Sports was a specious division at the best of times (CTV Wide World of Sports, for example – that takes me back – just being a simulcast of the ABC program with Canadian wraparound segments.)  Still, golf and figure skating?  CTV can’t take a chance on a more popular CFL, even?  What the hell is wrong with the network?
7. eTALK DAILY IS BARELY CANCON AS IT IS.  KILL IT.  Simply put, the world does not need a Canadian version of Access Hollywood.  Airing this before Jeopardy! – see, the joke’s already there.  At least Carla Collins isn’t desperately trying to prove she’s a comedian again.  I guess that’s…something.  I don’t know what, but it’s something.
8. JUST BECAUSE KEVIN SMITH LIKES DEGRASSI: THE NEXT GENERATION DOESN’T MEAN THE SHOW IS GOOD.  You know, I have never heard anyone call anybody else a broomhead, and I honestly don’t know anyone that has even a passing fascination with the Degrassi franchise, so why exactly is CTV rehashing this show?  I’ve never known a show set in high school to be indicative of any sort of realistic portrayal of high school.  It’s like Undergrads – just because actual students are involved in the show doesn’t make the show any more realistic and/or entertaining.  CTV has The O.C. – what’s the need for a Canadian version of it, then?
    
   Seriously, why do shows set in high school invariably suck?  Oh, right, they’re produced by people far removed from the realities of the actual high school experience.  Then again, I’m not of the right audience for Degrassi: TNG.  Strangely, I didn’t like the show when I was of the right audience for the original Degrassi High.  Perhaps I’m an AIDS Nerd.
9. IS THERE A NEED FOR CTV TRAVEL OR A FEW OF YOUR CABLE OUTLETS (EG., AT LEAST ONE DISCOVERY-BASED CHANNEL)?  What exactly is CTV Travel offering that Outdoor Life Network doesn’t?  I’ll never understand the point of digital cable – just because it’s possible for a company like Bell Globemedia to expand its range of digital cable channels doesn’t mean it should.  At least Global came up with a few decent concepts for its digital cable channels.  Bell Globemedia just seems to either hang another Discovery or TSN station up on its mantle or whip out a news channel once in a blue moon.  If CTV Newsnet, CTV Travel and/or talktv stopped broadcasting tomorrow, I would be a happy man.  It’s stupid to have these digital specialty channels if all they’re going to feature is third-generation reruns and crap.
10. PLEASE STOP YAMMERING ABOUT HOW “CTV OWNS PRIME TIME.”  IT WON’T LAST.  Being “#1″ in target demographics just says CTV cares about one thing: its advertisers.  Bell Globemedia might be sold some time in the future, so the purpose of having CTV #1 in everything is to make the price of CTV more inflated than it should actually go for.  It’s fun to pick on CanWest Global for being “#2″ (CBC is Liberal Satan and thus is always #3) and going through a round of executive shuffling, but CTV’s success hinges as much or more on American programs than Global’s.  At least Global goes for some of the more critically-loved ratings-challenged network fare.  It’s easy to be #1 when you can pick and sort through six major US networks and the American cable channels to your heart’s content.  What’s next, though, after Pimp My Ride and The Daily Show?  Is there anything CTV is nurturing?  Not really, and that’s why it will fail eventually.  One can only be a leech for so long.  Eventually it dies and falls off the body.  That might happen to CTV sooner than the network executives think.

NEXT: PART III – GLOBAL
THAT’LL BE FUN TO TALK ABOUT, WON’T IT?  YES

Shall I just get into the article and forgo introductions?  The Canadian Television Fund has announced $100 million in new money for Canadian television, which will either signal the dawn of a brand new age in Canadian television, a glory day to end all glory days…or this is all bullshit because nobody spends any real money on Canadian television anyway.  In “honour” of this new money (or because UR has zero in the way of new content lately – heh, or), I am going to do some articles dedicated to what certain Canadian broadcasters should do with their money.

Yep, I’m going to do my usual obscure rants.  If you’re offended by anything I say, slap yourself upside the head.  It’s opinion, not fact.  Television criticism, it’s useless and useful at the same time.  Ain’t that neat?

1. PLEASE GET RID OF POLITICAL PARODY PROGRAMS THAT ARE AT LEAST TEN YEARS OLD AND HAVEN’T BEEN FUNNY SINCE THE FIRST FIVE, IF EVER.  No one finds Royal Canadian Air Farce funny.  They’ve been around since 1973 and need to retire.  Adding three terrible comedians to the cast hasn’t worked, considering the best castmember – John Morgan, and you haters know I’m right – is dead and Dave Broadfoot’s damn near close to being there.  I used to be a fan of this show (I don’t know why), but the sketch troupe’s long past run their course.  I know the CBC spends seemingly $100 total on each episode, but thirteen seasons of the show is enough.  Kill it before it breeds.
    
   As for This Hour Has 22 Minutes, do you guys really need to sign every overrated Newfoundland-based comedian to the show these days?  Shaun Majumder has not helped the show, Colin Mochrie could only do so much to help stop the tide of unfunniness and Gavin Crawford, while popular, isn’t the man that will save 22 Minutes because he really isn’t that good a castmember to begin with.  I’m not fond of Rick Mercer’s Monday Report but his show is what 22 Minutes used to be.  I don’t see the need for 22 Minutes’ further existence anymore.
    
   “What about The Red Green Show,” you ask?  First of all, The Red Green Show is not political.  Second of all, the oldest show on CBC’s Friday night roster is saving the damn night.  This show could last another twenty years.  It’s that durable.
2. HOW ABOUT SOME MORE BRITISH/CANADIAN CO-PRODUCTIONS?  Doctor Who is a start, and if any television industry needs to be emulated it’s the British model (well, not Sky.)  That doesn’t mean I want ported-over BBC ideas (see #7), but more co-productions could be a good thing if the CBC helps to create some good, original (key word here) series.  I don’t want yet another France-Canada co-production or some time-filler like Bob & Margaret (which eventually became a co-production with Britain and the Philippines, for poop’s sake.)  Personally, an Alan Partridge series set in Canada could damn well work and wouldn’t seem forced like, say, The New Avengers was.  As long as CBC executives avoid the Global/CTV co-production model (i.e., aiming for the American market exclusively), the MotherCorp will do fine.  Even if some of the Doctor Who episodes are dodgy as piss.
3. PLEASE REDUCE THE NUMBER OF PANEL DISCUSSION-BASED TELEVISION NEWS PROGRAMS.  THEY’RE BORING.  Nothing is lazier than having a star of a CBC program (i.e., Mary Walsh) talk about books for half an hour.  Hundreds of millions of dollars a year and the CBC is putting out this sort of program?  I’m not an upper-class hater, but this sort of programming infects CBC Radio One, CBC Newsworld and half of CBC News’ current output.  It’s the laziest programming trick I’ve seen CBC use and panel discussions are only as exciting as the panel itself.
    
   Seriously, have you seen Mary Walsh: Open Book?  Oh wow, they’re discussing Joseph Conrad’s “The Secret Sharer!”  Intelligent!  Provocative!  DULL!  Tell me I’m wrong!
4. LEARN HOW TO DO “POPULAR.”  CBC tries to with This Is Wonderland and DaVinci’s Inquest, but Neilsen ratings tend to favour CTV and their Corner Gases and Canadian Idols.  As much as I find CTV to be highly overrated as a network, they can do popular these days.  CBC dramas tend to skew towards reaching for the critical acclaim and that’s fine, but the CBC doesn’t really have that one show that tentpoles them into the Top Ten.  With Hockey Night in Canada out of action for as long as Gary Bettman and Bob Goodenow keep sissy slapfighting, CBC Television does need to develop popular favourites, just to show MomCo’s not that out of touch with Canadian viewing tastes – lame as they are at times.
    
   Seriously, Lost?  People take that fetid redux of Gilligan’s Island seriously?  My god.
5. STOP GIVING MONEY TO KEN FINKLEMAN.  Fine, you got more mileage out of The Newsroom, Ken.  Did that mean you just had to rip off (homage, as they say in film) Waking Life for your series finale?  Honestly, Finkleman is the sort of writer that thinks his references to art-house films and sense of self-indulgence is clever enough to sustain several series, when it’s the same reheated platter of bean stew each time.  I don’t hate art-house, but Finkleman’s attempts to be clever and urban really do seem and feel forced.  He’s the type of man that tells you he’s clever, but Ken Finkleman always comes across to me as the real Paul Moth (yes, I am a CBC Radio comedy fag and no, I’m not ashamed of it.)  He believes he’s witty and urban, but he still directed Airplane II.  He’s fooling blessed sod all.
    
   Honestly, every comedy series he’s come out with isn’t that funny.  The Newsroom was half-decent for the whole of its two runs, granted, but only for including Peter Keleghan and Finkleman’s supporting cast.  Still, it’s a ripoff of The Larry Sanders Show.  I’ve laughed at The Larry Sanders Show.  By comparison, Ken Finkleman just talks about muffins.
    
   By the way, Finkleman’s last hurrah for The Newsroom had as its title “Latent Homosexual Tendencies.”  I can’t think of a joke for this that could top the title itself.
6. IF YOU GIVE BETTE MACDONALD ANOTHER COMEDY PROGRAM, I WILL PERSONALLY KILL EVERYONE AT THE CBC.  The woman is not funny and has never been able to carry a successful series.  You gave her a political sitcom (Rideau Hall, which even got the “vote on the pilot” phone-in treatment like our votes meant anything), a variety show and a sketch show despite the fact that her one talent is acting like a spinster.  Fabulous – that’s about one-eightieth of Mary Walsh’s oeuvre.  Bette MacDonald can’t carry a program, and that’s a quantifiable fact.  CBC executives, though, keep her in work as she recently hosted several CBC Radio One’s Madly Off In All Directions this year.  Then she was upstaged by Big Daddy Taz. *cough*
7. INVEST MORE MONEY IN GENRE PROGRAMMING.  Music programs are fine, as long as ZeD gets promoted better and starts to embrace all forms of music.  Seriously, the show only appeals to the indie/art crowd which is already served by CBC Radio 3, Brave New Waves, Definitely Not The Opera and pretty much every pop culture program in existence that the CBC puts out.  Honestly, does the world need another pop culture program from the CBC?  Really?
    
   Also, CBC’s output is limited to comedy/drama programs, and I don’t think there’s been a science fiction program from there since The Chocolate Odyssey.  The series was about warring factions of a comatose boy’s brain.  As bad as the show was (and it wasn’t that great, believe me) it at least managed to survive on 1990′s-era CBC for (I believe) five seasons, long enough that the boy came out of the coma before the series ended.  I’d love to see CBC top this, which couldn’t be that blessed hard.  It’s hard to make someone in a coma look good on television.  Seriously.
8. IF YOU CBC EXECS FEEL THE NEED TO RIP OFF YET ONE MORE BRITISH PROGRAM, I’LL KICK YOU ALL IN THE BAG.  No one needs another The Greatest Canadian, a show that only seemed to exist to promote The Hour.  Considering how gung-ho CBC brass were in promoting their last stolen charge from MuchMusic, pretending that Tommy Douglas is the greatest Canadian in history isn’t the most cost-effective or best way to do it.  Canadian Antiques Roadshow seems to exist to point out that the CBC hired Valerie Pringle.  That, giving Coronation Street such a wide berth and co-producing Doctor Who points to some sort of minor infatuation with Britain and its programming.  The mind boggles.
    
   I know I might be contradicting my second point here, but there’s a difference between legitimate European-Canadian co-productions – 2005-era Doctor Who belongs in this group – and complete bowdlerizations of BBC1 programs.  It makes me wonder why Canada hasn’t ripped off Blue Peter yet, considering it was in one of its greatest periods ever during the Konnie Huq/Matt Baker/Simon Thomas era (read: since 2000 – seriously, some Britons consider this cast one of the best ever.)  Personally, I hope the CBC keeps Brit worship to a minimum and just works on giving Canadians good programming in the future.  I don’t care if the CBC puts Lorne Elliott and Mary Walsh in a tutu dancing on top of Big Ben for thirty minutes – as long as it’s not ripping off Dick and Dom In Da Bungalow.  Which I don’t put past CBC for a minute.
9. MAKE SURE the fifth estate BECOMES MORE ACCESSIBLE WITHOUT DUMBING THE SHOW DOWN.  This is self-explanatory, really.  the fifth estate has been consistently quality for a while now (the Benny Hinn exposé being one of the best things I’ve honestly seen the show do) and is one of the best programs CBC has on its schedules.  I understand why the show needs to become more accessible, but I hope that means CBC News will try to make its the fifth estate pieces entertaining enough for a general audience and not…well, dumbing the show down so that it looks like W5 or (urgh) 20/20.  CTV News’ level is not what CBC News should be aiming for, even if the MotherCorp did steal Valerie Pringle.
10. START GIVING YOUR “YOUTH CULTURE” CHARGES SHOWS THAT ACCURATELY REFLECT YOUTH CULTURE.  Finally, the end of the article and one of the most annoying things CBC does.  The CBC has always been weak in trying to appeal to people under thirty.  Corpses of programs that died on their asses trying to be “relevant” (Liberty Street, drop the beat, Straight Up, that whole Avi Lewis/Sharon Lewis counterSpin farrago) lie alongside a lot of the children’s and teen output in the CBC program graveyard.  I talk about the twenty-something market all the time, granted, so I’m going to avoid that for a bit.
     
    One of the few shows CBC sold to the American market over the past few years was Kenny Vs. Spenny (to GSN.)  That was a decent show.  It was a simple “I dare you to do this” type show, but it was genuine.  It didn’t have a “CBC feel” to it where it had to be produced out of necessity of filling a timeslot and “being Canadian” – i.e., being a shit program and using “being Canadian” as an excuse for its being shit.  Kenny Vs. Spenny just featured two comedians doing goofy shit to each other.  Most of the other programs the CBC has put out for the “kids,” though – aside from Kenny Vs. Spenny, Surprise! It’s Edible Incredible!, Street Cents and Jonovision, which shows you how much of a CBC wonk I’ve always been – have been uniformly terrible.  I look like I love fart jokes because of my appreciation for Kenny Vs. Spenny, but Chilly Beach?  Fucking Dragon Booster?  Both shows utilize terrible animation, have the “being Canadian” feel and are just horrible programs.  Sadly, two of the programs in the current pre/post-Simpsons block are British/Canadian co-productions.  That’s fine, I guess, but the CBC would have been better off airing Dick and Dom In Da Bungalow.  I still won’t forgive CBC for Pelswick.
     
    Also, ReBoot and Angela Anaconda?  I despise CBC purchasing the rights to shows that succeeded on other networks.  It’s another lazy way of building a strong Canadian schedule – just poach cable standards.  Ridiculous.
     
    I won’t even go into The Hour.  The CBC assumes hiring a former DJ from MuchMusic will appeal to the average twenty-something.  It never does.

STAY TUNED FOR PART II: CTV
OR CALL ME A BIG FAG.  SAME THING.