Here’s a day (or two weeks, I don’t know how badly this tape was edited) in the life of Lutte Internationale, better known to English-speaking people as International Wrestling. Located in Montreal, one of the traditional hotbeds of Canadian wrestling, International Wrestling was strong enough in Canada to be syndicated on a semi-national basis.

In 1986, International Wrestling was just winding down – it had briefly aligned itself with the WWF a year earlier and was being gouged for talent by that promotion. Things hadn’t become so desperate yet that Abdullah the Butcher and assorted talents from Puerto Rico’s World Wrestling Council would literally bleed International Wrestling to death. Even from watching this tape, I could tell that the lights were being turned off on the promotion. “New” talents I didn’t recognize were more prevalent than wrestlers I’d actually heard of. It’s not hard to spot when the talent pool is being drained.

Dino Bravo was perpetually the golden boy of International Wrestling. It’s impossible to talk about wrestling in Montreal without mentioning Bravo – during the time International Wrestling was subsumed by the WWF, his title became the WWF Canadian Championship. Bravo was co-promoter of International Wrestling with Gino Brito Sr. and Rick Martel, so he had a steady gig.

That still doesn’t excuse him from delivering this shitty promo hyping his match against The Great Samu. He stumbles through his promo points and makes many malapropisms. The VHS recording cuts out before Bravo finishes his promo, which is a blessing. I’m not sure how good Bravo matches of this era are, but if all his promos were like this I’m not surprised his face run in the WWF was a failure. It should be noted that this is before Bravo dyed his hair and hit the steroids heavily, so he still had some wrestling skill back in 1986.

You might not be familiar with Alofa the Polynesian Prince, but wrestling fans have seen him before. That’s right, this was Solofa Fatu, Jr. (d/b/a Kishi, formerly Rikishi) before he got fat and burned his Stinkface into the minds of unwilling wrestling fans everywhere. Eventually he became one half of the Samoan Swat Team. Some of you might have tried to forget him as The Sultan and/or Making a Difference Fatu. Here Alofa stumbles through his promo as seems to be the norm for International Wrestling, but at least he shows enthusiasm. He has a squash match on the tape I fast-forwarded through watched.

Eddie “The Brain” Creatchman isn’t too bad as heel managers go. In fact, he’s considered one of Canada’s greats. He did manage The Sheik and Abdullah the Butcher, so he had to be doing something right. Here he’s managing Sheik Ali, a white person (in this case, New Brunswick’s “Big” Stephen Petitpas) magically turned Arab via Middle Eastern garb and some facial hair. He’s no Makhan Singh, but few people are.

According to Slam! Wrestling Petitpas’ wrestling wasn’t bad. Why Creatchman speaks for him here is beyond me, unless the audience is supposed to believe Sheik Ali is really Arab and can’t speak English. Wrestling expects you to disbelieve 95% of the time, but I have to wonder how many people were fooled. Sheik Ali’s squash match just flew by me via the magic of fast-forwarding.

Bill and Scott Irwin crap on Tom Zenk and Dan Kroffat (Bill Irwin pronounces Kroffat’s last name Crawford for some reason), while Steve Strong puts down Rick Martel. Strong is surprisingly good on the mic, which makes me wonder why he didn’t become more well-known than he is. Creatchman promoted the Irwin brothers, since International Wrestling needed at least one manager to lean its heel wrestlers on.

Bill and Scott Irwin both had successful careers, especially in World Class Championship Wrestling. Bill would gain infamy in the WWF as The Goon, while Scott Irwin died of a brain tumour in 1987. Scott was a one-time NWA National Heavyweight Champion and once held one half of the WWWF Tag Team Championships, while Bill had his share of upper-card titles.

The match I saw on the tape was for the Canadian International Tag Team Championships against Zenk and Kroffat. It was actually decent, but seeing it twice was somewhat redundant. For those interested, the match ends when a masked Scott Irwin beats on Zenk in the middle of the Z-Man’s sleeper hold on Bill Irwin. The ensuing post-match run-ins are inevitable, but a feud is advanced and money is made. It’s hard to demand much more than that.

Here’s a not-very-good promo by Ron Ritchie. The announcer tries to set up Ron Ritchie as an up-and-comer, although he had been wrestling since 1978 and was only now starting to get career pushes. In fact, Ritchie was biding his time in 1986 between International Wrestling and Stampede Wrestling. Here Ritchie bigs up the importance of the Canadian International Heavyweight Championship, establishing his credentials in hopes of a good run in International Wrestling.

Ritchie’s greatest achievement was winning Stampede Wrestling’s North American Heavyweight Title, a feat only accomplished by five wrestlers that year. This isn’t a joke meant to denigrate Ritchie. In fact, this isn’t a joke; Stampede Wrestling was quite fond of short title runs. Steve Strong, under his real name of Steve DiSalvo, even beat Ritchie for the North American belt before flipping it to Bad News Allen a week later. Later DiSalvo became The Minotaur in WCW. *cough*

Samula Anoa’i was the other half of the Samoan Swat Team, but at this point in his career – I assume the tape is from June 1986 – he was challenging for the Canadian International Heavyweight Championship as The Great Samu. Here, the announcer is trying to fight Janet Jackson’s “Nasty” and failing. I know International Wrestling didn’t have the professionalism of WWF programming, and I don’t expect that from independent promotions of the 1980s. All the same, how hard is it to operate a mixing board? I also doubt International Wrestling cleared that sample, but at least the promotion is consistent with 1980s trends.

I don’t know if segments from two shows were spliced together on my tape or not, but it cuts to a backstage celebration. The Great Samu has won the Canadian International Heavyweight Championship. More of Janet Jackson’s “Nasty” is cued, since when I think Janet Jackson I think a relatively obscure Samoan wrestler. I imagine this is Samula Anoa’i’s most significant heavyweight title win. As a special bonus, here’s a Samu/Bravo match where Samu is defending his title against Bravo. From the little I saw of Samu, he looked fairly good.

I should note that “Pretty Boy” Floyd Creatchman, Eddie Creatchman’s son and a fairly good manager in his own right, is speaking with Samu during the backstage segment. Unlike with “The Brain” and Sheik Ali, Samu is allowed to speak – not that he needs to say much with “Pretty Boy” Floyd speaking for him.

This clip marks a turning point in International Wrestling history. Bravo would not win the title back from Samu, and Samu dropped the belt in a few months’ time to “Dr. D” David Schults. By 1987 another regional promotion fell victim to the WWF’s North American expansion, as most of them did. Standard reasons are given for International Wrestling’s demise – not enough money made, not enough talent, the WWF stole everyone worth a damn – but I guess International Wrestling left with a bit more dignity than, say, the AWA or Stampede Wrestling.

This tape hasn’t made me want to seek out more International Wrestling right away, but it hasn’t turned me completely off the promotion. I will say this – if I have to watch another bad Dino Bravo promo within the next five years, it’ll be too soon.

One of the things I’ve become more into now when I hit thrift stores is buying random VHS tapes to see what is on them. Mind you, I don’t buy a lot of tapes – there are hundreds of TV rebroadcasts of films like Iron Eagle III and The Money Pit out there, and who’s that desperate for Iron Eagle III? I tend to go for mystery tapes with vague labelling in hopes of finding pro wrestling and/or random broadcasts from the 1980s.

On one of these tapes, I was successful in finding 1986 broadcasts of both WWF Wrestling and International Wrestling. The WWF Wrestling show came from Hamilton’s CHCH, at that time one of Canada’s most well-known independent stations. International Wrestling could be seen on another well-known independent, Toronto’s CityTV.

CHCH doesn’t exist in its original form anymore. CityTV is still around, but its glory days have long since passed. International Wrestling (a/k/a Lutte Internationale – it did emanate from Montreal) died in 1987. The WWE, however, still airs jobber matches and continues to employ the Iron Sheik in some capacity. Some things never change, even when they need to.

The first match features everyone’s favourite 1980s jobbers José Luis Rivera and Leaping Lanny Poffo against…King Kong Bundy and Big John Studd. Rivera and Poffo are fucked.

Poffo reads one of his famous poems. He hopes that Andre the Giant slams Bundy and Studd like a feather. Only Hulk Hogan and Andre were allowed to slam the “unslammable” main-eventers back in 1986, so you can guess the outcome of this match without using one brain cell.

What’s to say about the match itself? Bundy and Studd beat the crap out of their opponents – this is WWF TV formula, after all. At least the audience gets to hear great Gorilla Monsoon/Bobby Heenan banter. There are Hulk Hogan chants for some reason, even though Poffo and Rivera have been established as jobbers and thus not important enough to rate a run-in by ol’ Fu Manchu.

Here’s the Junkyard Dog promoting a match at Maple Leaf Gardens. Sylvester Ritter goes through the gotta-keep-fighting spiel, puts over a match between “Macho Man” Randy Savage and Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat and bigs up a Dan Spivey/Mike Rotunda tag team. Savage and Steamboat would go on to make lots of money, Spivey and Rotunda would not and JYD would continue midcarding for a few more years. That’s not a slight on JYD – it’s hard not to like the man who grabbed them cakes, but Hogan was Vince McMahon’s cash cow for almost a decade.

The Macho Man puts over a King of the Ring tournament – crucially, not the official one – as he sells himself to Hamilton fans watching him on CHCH. Savage ohhh yeahs through his promo as he talks about some of the people in the tournament – Tony Atlas, the Rougeau Brothers, Mike Rotunda, Dan Spivey and himself, among others. You may notice a few seconds of silence during his promo, probably caused by someone being fired from or leaving the WWF. I’m not a good lip reader, so I don’t know who left. This is a standard Macho Man promo, but Macho Man promos are always entertaining.

Nikolai Volkoff (singing the Russian national anthem) and The Iron Sheik face off against the Marcus Brothers in another squash match, not that you couldn’t see this coming from a mile away. Are these matches entertaining to watch? Of course not – one of the teams is local, so obviously they have no chance of winning against the former WWF Tag Team Champions. Frankly, I just fast-forward through this match like I do all the other squash matches on the tape.

BONUS! This commercial for Fruit Fantasy is a bit homoerotic. It’s not meant to be, but what to make of lyrics like “whipping up the nectar” and “chomping the strawberry/nibbling the kiwi/munching the mango/biting the berries” sung in a breathy Caribbean style? Yeah, nothing suggestive in those descriptions.

For those ignoring the possible double entendres, there’s the black waiter in a white suit serving up this Fruit Fantasy while the Caribbean singer exhorts us to “taste the reality.” Fruit Fantasy, it should be noted, is a generic-looking frozen treat. Reading too much into twenty-two-year-old commercials is fun.

Stay tuned for International Wrestling action in my next post! Dino Bravo! A skinny Rikishi! Uhh…more jobber matches! All this and The Great Samu are coming your way! Don’t miss it!

The way I write articles for this site is ridiculous sometimes. When I compiled clips from Can I Do It…Til I Need Glasses? for this article about three months ago, I hadn’t yet learned that CodeRed was giving this film a May DVD release. Now my Media Home Entertainment VHS is obsolete. I know, declaring now that VHS is obsolete, I’m such a card.

Can I Do It…Til I Need Glasses? is the sequel to If You Don’t Stop It…You’ll Go Blind!!!, both films having thrown their diaphragms into the sketch-comedy film sweepstakes of the 1970s. This trend spawned Kentucky Fried Movie, Loose Shoes, The Groove Tube and Tunnelvision, but Can I Do It… almost seems like a film from a different era. Basically, it’s Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In with added naked ladies. Oh, and dirty jokes. This film aims for the highbrow.

Can I Do It…Til I Need Glasses? starts with a man in a bird suit initiating sex with a woman, I assume. The VHS tape starts the film in progress as early-1980s videotapes often do, so I’m lost as to what the bird suit signifies. Once the audience gets warmed up for Best Burlesque Jokes of 1928, it’s time for the opening credits and the catchy theme song. The theme is two-and-a-half minutes long, since Can I Do It… is 73 minutes long and time needs to be filled somewhere.

“Story Lady with Aunt Gloria” features the story of Little Red Riding Hood, who is pursued by a wolf as expected. The wolf announces that he’s going to eat her, and you can figure out the rest.

This is actually one of the better jokes Can I Do It…Til I Need Glasses? dramatizes. It’s either a good or bad thing depending on one’s tolerance to burlesque humour. Frankly, Can I Do It… blew its load by featuring one of its best jokes this early in the film.

Did you know Can I Do It…Til I Need Glasses? features parodies? Here’s The Lone Stranger and Pronto to prove it to you. The Lone Stranger gets bit on the trouser snake by a rattlesnake. Pronto runs like wind to doctor (all natives in this film speak broken English, it heap established cliché) only to find out that he must suck poison from wound.

If you believe the IMDb comments, there are three “Lone Stranger and Pronto” segments, two of them ending in the same punchline and the third ending with the Lone Stranger’s bandaged dick out of his pants. Long time, many moons, noooo choctaw.

A standard frog prince, cursed by the Wicked Witch of Encino, convinces a woman to kiss him. The kisses don’t help lift the curse, and it’d spoil the joke to reveal what the frog prince really wants.

The frog wears a collar and bow tie, since that is what all frog princes wear in their amphibian forms. He also claims to live on a beach eating flies, although he’s roughly human-sized and capable of turning on stupid women. Seems to me like the frog is playing a confidence game. Dirty, dirty frog.

Can I Do It…’s main claim to fame is that it featured Robin Williams before he became famous for both Mork & Mindy and his cocaine-fueled comedy act. Williams appeared on the Laugh-In revival around this time, but no one counts that. Williams’ footage didn’t make the cut the first time around, but fame has a funny way of causing people to cash in on a trend.

Williams doesn’t do much in this film, certainly not enough that he needs glasses or is in danger of going blind. This sketch has him in a courtroom questioning “Mrs. Frisby.” Turns out Mrs. Frisby is just a sex fiend and not a widowed field mouse with a pneumonia-stricken son, so it’s not much of a joke. For this and another sketch, Williams received priority billing when Can I Do It… was re-released in 1979.

A native American warrior named Chief Bowels (of the Farkakte Indians, since all natives are Jewish) is being evicted from his all-weather teepee, but Bowels doesn’t want to evacuate his ancestral home. If you think it’s a spoiler that this leads to “Bowels No Move” jokes, you’re just fooling yourself. This is the sort of joke that Jackie Martling tells in about thirty seconds, laughs to himself about, and then abandons for a Dirty Johnny joke.

More Robin Williams. Here the joke is that a gynecologist hangs a tooth over his office door. Williams plays the guy mistaking him for a dentist. If these were the only two scenes Williams appeared in, what was the point of wasting him like this? Even the end-of-joke music stings suck! What gives?

Here’s a joke that I think Jackie Martling “stole” (as if it’s possible to steal generic dirty jokes in the first place) for 1984’s The Only Dirty Joke Book. Compare the clip to Jackie the Joke Man’s version:

See what Martling does? He doesn’t belabor the point. The punchline is tighter and Martling actually admits how shitty the joke is. He also throws in Paul Reiser and Andrew “Dice” Clay references, which for 1984 is rather prescient. He improves on the joke. This is one of the worse jokes in Martling’s book, which should say something.

Another “Story Lady with Aunt Gloria” segment features Irving the sperm’s bid to enter the egg and become a baby. The sperm trains harder than anyone, focusing on his goal. The ending is trite – his efforts were wasted on a blowjob, so the best Irving could hope for is to become a mouth baby. The build-up to the joke is better than usual, though.

I imagine I come across as hating the hell out of Can I Do It…Til I Need Glasses? I don’t. Compared to, say, the average Andy Milligan film, Can I Do It… knows what it is and what goals it wants to reach. It’s just that I’m familiar with Jackie Martling – not that I’m a fanboy, I just prefer his retelling of dirty jokes to this film. In lieu of a proper ending to this article or me Ctrl-C and Ctrl-Ving “HOWARD STERN’S PENIS BABA BOOEY” thirty times, here’s more F. Jackie at work. Enjoy!