While writing an article about my local television stations, I stumbled on a commercial for Paolini’s, an Italian eatery which may or may not have become Cup of Joe’s – Paolini’s Family Restaurant.  Said commercial is…well, you’d have to see it to believe it.

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Paolini’s sells its pizzas as being made with “homemade dough” and “100% mozzarella.”  Wow, homemade dough?  That’s quite the USP, Paolini’s.  The commercial is complete amateur hour, even by 1989 standards.

I like how the owner of the joint pretends to buy a pizza from one of the cooks.  Said cook shakes the owner’s hand, then continues spinning pizza dough.  I’m sure it’s a demonstration for the camera, but geez.

Other commercials, station bumpers and other ephemera can be found at Retrontario’s awesome YouTube account.  Fans of local New York/Ontario television will enjoy these clips, a reminder of how fun local television was before it was mashed into a bland paste.

I’m sure people are familiar with the Stop the TV Tax/Local TV Matters cock-sparring that has pitted cable and satellite providers, like Shaw and Rogers, against CBC, CTV, Global and other broadcast entities not owned by said providers.  I haven’t written an article about this “fight” for URBMN, as I find the whole matter ridiculous.

Conventional broadcasters want cable and satellite providers to pay for carriage of local channels, which are CRTC-mandated for inclusion in basic cable packages.  Cable/satellite providers counter by claiming that fee-for-carriage is a cash grab for the networks, since broadcasting isn’t as financially lucrative as specialty cable.  It’s a maelstrom of half-truths picked apart by better people than me.

What I’ve never done for URBMN is actually talk about local television.  This debate has reminded me of my own local stations, Peterborough, Ontario’s CHEX and Kingston, Ontario’s CKWS.

Yeah, I’ve slipped into nostalgia.  Give me a break, I don’t do this very often.

I don’t remember much local television coming from either CKWS or CHEX during my 1980s/1990s childhood, but it did exist.  CKWS had Harrigan, a relatively decent kids’ show from the little I remember of it.  CHEX had The Silver Basketball, which completely wasted Ron Oliver and chrome paint.  I also remember The Silver Basketball not being miked properly.

CHEX’s improbably long-running Campus Quiz was better, a regional variant of Reach for the Top with the shittiest prizes ever.

According to MyKawartha.com, Campus Quiz lasted until 1998, which is testament to the show’s format…or the result of the chicken still running around long after its head has been severed.  The promise of a Grade 8 student winning an INXS CD was never exciting in and of itself.

I remember the news shows with better clarity, particularly CHEX NEWSwatch.  CHEX’s news team in the 1990s featured CHEX newscaster/Campus Quiz host Graham Hart, former Canada AM personality Wally Macht, weatherman Peter Fialkowski and sports anchor Gary Dalliday.  For a metropolitan area of just over 100,000 people, that’s actually very good.  CKWS’ supper-hour news program wasn’t as memorable, largely due to the lack of Fialkowski and Macht.

CHEX and CKWS haven’t been blanched of regional identity like CJOH, CFTO and CityTV Toronto have been.  CHEX and CKWS may have put out crappy programming at times, and the graphics to this day look second-rate on both stations.  They’re still reflective of the Peterborough and Kingston regions, The New Adventures of Old Christine reruns notwithstanding.

CHEX and CKWS’ programs aren’t always pretty – at times, they’re shit – but that’s real, unforced Canadian culture.  People in Eastern and Southern Ontario do recognize John Badham’s voice.  Ontario residents inquire about Harrigan from time to time.  Campus Quiz has, if you can believe this, a Facebook fan club.

The best source of local television for Eastern Ontario was Ottawa’s CJOH, which was mighty in its day.  Nowadays, the station has become buttoned-down, po-faced CTV Ottawa.  While I can’t see CHEX and CKWS expand local programming beyond its weekday human interest show and NEWSwatch updates, that passes for notable in the largely dead local TV landscape.

If nothing else, I’ve written one of the few articles on the Internet that actually mentions The Silver Basketball.  I never thought I’d miss Ron Oliver sounding bored while the kids around him horribly project emotion, but I do.  No one makes shows that earnestly bad anymore.

TVShowsonDVD.com’s David Lambert has posted news of The Red Green Show’s first three seasons coming to DVD through Acorn Media.  On January 26, 2010, the first three seasons will be packaged in a 9-disc box set, titled The Infantile Years.  The set covers The Red Green Show’s two seasons on CHCH and its lone YTV season.

Previous Red Green season sets have come from the CBC era of the show, which began in 1997-98.  If Wikipedia is to be believed, this will be the first time The Red Green Show’s second season will be on DVD.

It’s odd how Acorn Media’s blowing through the early years in one shot, unless the individual seasons are to be sold later.  The box art for The Infantile Years is, uhhh, infantile.  I’m curious to know why the CHCH/YTV era of the show is being sold this way.

With an MSRP of $99.99 US/$124.99 CDN, this set is only for the hardcore fans.  I realize Acorn Media markets The Red Green Show heavily – the compilations, Red Green Is Special, this.  Will the three Global seasons be similarly lumped together?  Acorn Media’s usually more logical than this.

I’m not sure where TV with TV’s Jonathan Torrens (TVtropolis: premiered Friday, October 9, 9:30 PM ET/PT; also Saturdays, 11:00 PM ET/PT) fits into TVtropolis’ grand scheme.  TV with TV’s Jonathan Torrens is one of TVtropolis’ many shows “about TV,” which either means a celebrity-profile show or…uh…Producing Parker?  What is TVtropolis’ main theme, anyway, other than “rerun dump?”

TV with TV’s Jonathan Torrens needs clips to break the monotony of minutes-long Torrens monologues, of which there are many, so it opts for a sketch comedy wraparound and/or man-on-the-street segment.  That’s fine, except for the vast amount of Torrens the show offers.  Jonathan Torrens is fine in smaller doses.  Basing an entire show around him?  Even Jonovision had Torrens interview guests.  TV with TV’s Jonathan Torrens screams “VANITY PROJECT” in neon letters.

I can see this show’s strengths, which do exist.  The streeter segments for “Reality Shows” have Torrens read from what he claims are actual reality show application forms, which contain terms like “hippo sebum” and “rats have babies in your open mouth.”  Maybe the show’s making those terms up, although the television industry does get more depraved than hippo sebum.  Less excitingly, the streeter segments are titled “Let Me Axe You Something.”  You’d think J-Roc would appear in these segments, but no.

The second episode, “Crime Shows,” is a bit better than “Reality Shows.”  The long-form Law and Order parody is well-executed – proper show logo, accurate picking-apart of Law and Order’s overall presentation, the caption “An Ocean of Emotion.”

I will admit that TV with TV’s Jonathan Torrens does its research.  For example, “Crime Shows” points out Dennis Franz’s and David Caruso’s turns on William Shatner-fest T.J. Hooker, as well as Franz’s Shakespearean acting roots.  The jokes attached to said facts don’t work, but there are no misspellings of Maude or poorly-reasoned assumptions.  On TVtropolis, this makes you King Everything.

TV with TV’s Jonathan Torrens is a filler show, which TVtropolis has a million of.  The show is reasonably intelligent, which for TVtropolis is a rarity, but it’s a vanity project.  This doesn’t discourage TV with TV’s Jonathan Torrens from being the best new show of TVtropolis’ 2009-10 season…not that anything substantial was competing against it.

Two years after it was first announced, the Teletoon Pilot Project will finally be streamed online through teletoon.sympatico.ca and thedetour.ca.  teletoon.sympatico.ca will contain the WebHD stream, while those flocking to thedetour.ca will have to make do with standard definition.

French-speaking viewers can go to detour.sympatico.ca (WebHD) and ledetour.ca (SD.)  One pilot will debut every Friday starting October 23, 2009.

The ten pilots will also be screened at the 2009 Ottawa International Animation Festival from tonight until Saturday, October 17.  Each screening starts at 11:30 PM, with three to four pilots being screened each night.  The titles being screened are as follows:

Ninjamaica (Lenz Entertainment: October 16)
Angora Napkin (Mugisha Enterprises: October 15)
Dunce Bucket (Nunchucks Pilot Inc./Fresh TV Inc.: October 16)
Nerdland (Cuppa Coffee Studios: October 15)
Drop Dead Gorgeous (CINEMARIA: October 17)
The Wireless Family (Encore Television: October 15)
Celebutard Nation (Nelvana: October 16)
Space Knights (Fatkat Animation: October 17)
Chinatown Cops (Portfolio Entertainment: October 17)
Fugget About It (9 Story Entertainment: October 16)

Off the bat, I know one show might not make it to series, Space Knights.  Fatkat Animation is dead, to the point that it liquidated a foosball table.  Fatkat founder Gene Fowler has since founded Loogaroo.

It’s nice to see Teletoon finally go ahead with the Pilot Project, although I’d like to see conventional television debuts down the line.  Teletoon recently greenlit Crash Canyon for Teletoon at Night, so it’s taken steps to pump new adult animation into the pipeline.  It’s about time.  One can’t subsist on a diet of Clone High and Tripping the Rift forever.

Note: as of the time I publish this, the sympatico.ca sites are not yet active.  You’d think Teletoon would have the sites up before prepping its media release, but no.  This channel is goofy at times.

Unlike last year’s installment, I’m focusing more on licensed products than I am on knock-offs this time around.  Why?  Well, knock-off masks have become pretty boring as of late.  99% of the ones I’ve been able to find this year are standard “celebrity or public figure with a generic name” masks.

Sure, I was amused to see that many listings for such masks on Amazon.com actually went out of their way to let you know which celebrity each mask was based on, but that got old really fast.  It got to the point where I was relieved to see masks like that which didn’t have any descriptions.

A select few of the above-mentioned type of mask stood out to me:  a “Mr. Speaker” mask that looked equally like Newt Gringrich and Ted Kennedy, a Michael Jackson knock-off using a name that’s sure to piss off DC Comics, and the “Scary Marxist Clown” mask, aka “Obama Joker.”

The Obama Joker mask mystifies me.  I get that it’s made by/for people who don’t like the man, but why compare him to a supervillain from a movie made last year?  The last time I checked, the Joker and the President of the United States didn’t have any similarities in modus operandi.  Is all stuff about socialism in the description a reference to his support for universal health care?  If so, shouldn’t they be equally as annoyed with how the Bush administration was helping Iraq get the same health care system?

Similarly, what’s with the teleprompter jokes?  A quick Google search reveals that both George W. Bush and Ronald Reagan used teleprompters, so why all the fuss over Barack Obama using one?  It’s quite interesting how two of the three positive reviews for the mask are written by people with no other reviews.  It’s almost as if their accounts were created for the sole purpose of giving that mask a positive review.  That’s not suspicious in any way.  No sir.

I want to stress that I’m only annoyed by the moronic concept of the mask.  Had this been an Obama mask with an acorn-shaped head, I wouldn’t have even bothered mentioning it, seeing as how it makes more sense than the Joker comparison.  Granted, he disapproved of the actions of the ACORN employees in the hidden camera video mentioned in that link, but at least it’s something he actually has a connection to in some way.

Politics and Halloween should never mix, as the results rarely end well.  Instead of picking a costume based on your approval or disapproval for a political figure and/or to annoy someone on the other end of the political spectrum, why not pick a costume that looks cool and won’t be laughably out of date years from now?  Rubber masks cost good money and it makes little sense not to use them again at some point.

I saved the best knock-off for last: Ghoulaloha: Tiki of Terror.  You’ve gotta love how they worked the title of the film they’re ripping off (Trilogy of Terror) into the mask’s name.

This is an awful Jason costume that’s disturbingly similar to the much-maligned “character’s name and face on a plastic smock” type of Halloween costume.

What else can I say about a Dalek mask but: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  In case you’re wondering why this is so funny, go here to see what a Dalek looks like.

Speaking of Daleks, here’s a Dalek Sec Hybrid Voice FX Mask.  To paraphrase something Cameron once said to me, “Look, it’s Knuckles the Dalek!”

This is the most expensive paper plate I’ve ever seen.

What could have been an excellent Alien facehugger mask is ruined by poorly-placed eyeholes and some rather testicle-looking parts.  I know that Giger’s original xenomorph design had lots of phallic parts, but this is just ridiculous.  Speaking of ridiculous, what’s with the Alien-themed plush toys?

Since when did Leatherface have an afro?  I expect better from licensed masks.

When I first found a listing for a “Hombre Lobo” costume, I was thrilled over the idea of a Paul Naschy-based costume.  After all, there are masks based on City of the Living Dead and Lucio Fulci’s Zombie.  Sadly, it isn’t Naschy-related; it’s just a way of jazzing up a goofy Teen Wolf or I Was a Teenage Werewolf-style costume.

Doesn’t wearing a “severed head” mask ruin the idea that it’s supposed to be a severed head?

WHY DOES THIS EXIST IN MODERN TIMES?

A bling pirate costume.  Words fail me.

If you’ve ever looked through the Halloween section at your local pharmacy, then you’ve probably seen numerous types of “Fun World” masks using the same basic skull mold.  Their “Snow Beast” mask marks the weirdest and yet most interesting reuse of that mold.  I think “Yeti Corpse” would have been a much better name.

There’s nothing wrong with this mask, I just like that fact that it’s described as a space imp.  What a concept!

I actually like this Domo-Kun ski mask.  On a related subject, here’s a Jason Voorhees-themed ski mask that had its coolness tarnished by the “cosplay” moniker.

No doubt about it, the best (and most NSFW) sleeping mask ever.  If only they made a version with eye holes…

So you can up the price of a standard black eyemask by slapping on an anime license?  Cool!

I wasn’t going to include this Chucky mask in the article until I noticed the manufacturer’s name.  Isn’t Franco-American the SpaghettiOs company?  Why is a pasta company making monster masks?

Wait, nobody’s made a Cthulhu mask?  Seriously?  They’ve got a stuffed animal version, slippers and gloves, but no mask.  Wow.