Over at Google+, I’ve given CBC-related items some attention.  CBC has a (quite boring) 75th anniversary site.  The problem with official CBC functions like this is the sanitized history – here’s Mr. Dressup, here’s Wojeck, hello Peter Gzowski, and so on.

I hope to counteract this state of boredom.  Through the magic of flash video sites and recorded media, CBC’s true history is revealed.  It’s a history full of failed shows, forgotten culture, ignored culture (CBC has a lot of the third option), and great shows CBC did nothing with.  It’s the history CBC would rather people forget.  CBC wants people to forget.

Here are the first thirteen entries in my ongoing effort to provide a better overview of CBC’s 75th anniversary than an episode of Hangin’ In followed by an episode of The Beachcombers.  Newer Google+ compilations will be posted on URBMN every so often.  Check the URBMN Google+ page daily for new entries, as URBMN ‘Celebrates’ 75 Years of CBC!

By the way, I am not paid to endorse the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation like this.  If I was, I’d mention something about Jian Ghomeshi, then take note of a “hilarious” Ha!ifax Comedy Festival compilation.  HFC has a Gemini nomination for Best Comedy Series or Program this year, don’t you know?  It won’t win over Living in Your Car or Call Me Fitz, but I’m sure the nomination doesn’t have anything to do with CBC wresting the Gemini telecast from Shaw Media’s clammy hands.  I’m not cynical.

August 30, 2011: CBC Late Night opening
August 29, 2011: 1978 CBC promos
August 28, 2011: The CFL on CBC, 1977
August 27, 2011: 1979 CBC promos
August 26, 2011: Flappers
August 25, 2011: What It’s Like Being Alone
August 24, 2011: 1987 CBC promos
August 23, 2011: The Odyssey
August 22, 2011: Town Beat!
August 21, 2011: Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie
August 20, 2011: The S and M Comic Book
August 19, 2011: The Tea Party on Friday Night! with Ralph Benmergui
August 18, 2011: Double Up

Canadian Comedy Shorts (The Comedy Network: twelfth season premiered Sunday, July 11, 2010, 10:30 PM ET/PT) is another of those series that I think CTVglobemedia is burning off, not that CTVgm will admit to this.

The copyright date for the new shorts compilation says 2009.  It’s summer, you know?  Unsold pilots bloom.  Reality television is in season.  Programs are dumped onto schedules seemingly at random.  At least CCS isn’t as bad as Upload Yours, which is like saying rectal itch is better than a coma.

Cogswell (Diane) | Cogswell (Diane) is a filmed version of a one-person monologue by Stephanie Domet.  I have no idea what it’s doing on a show called Canadian Comedy Shorts.  Cogswell (Diane) is a decent monologue, but there’s nothing but dry humour in a piece where a woman talks about living in a low-rent neighbourhood.  This piece belongs on Bravo! or CBC.

Cogswell (Diane) kicks off an odd trend for Canadian Comedy Shorts this year.  I’m not sure if CCS has aired reruns its past few years, but Cogswell (Diane) is from 2006.  Wouldn’t a better idea be to debut clips for a season premiere?  Maybe it’s me.

The Woodsmen: “Potato Cult” | CTV publicist Sara McLaren tells me this season of Canadian Comedy Shorts features a mix of acquired shorts, all-new items and reruns.  ”Potato Cult” is a rerun from 2006.

The Woodsmen is a very [adult swim] sketch.  Random things happen.  The production values are almost nil.  Hell, The Woodsmen uses Syncro-Vox-esque moving mouths over largely static “animation.”

Frankly, this series tries too hard for an Aqua Teen Hunger Force/Sealab 2021 vibe.  I’m turned off by it.  Even [adult swim] deviates from the absurdist formula with The Venture Bros., The Boondocks and Squidbillies.

I know I’m referencing Squidbillies, by the way.  That show’s about southern American rednecks.  What is The Woodsmen about?  Wasting money?  Potatoes?  Help me out here.

Holy War Dance Party | This is a two-and-a-half-minute song about…well, the title gives it away.  Here’s the Youtube link and the link to the Holy War Dance Party site.

The HWDP Youtube link has earned around 45,000 views over three years.  It’s caught on somewhat, though HWDP is nowhere near the level of Powerthirst.  Dancing for peace is nowhere near as fun as having gratuitous amounts of energy.  Holy War Dance Party should have been made with real lightening.

From the Desk of Ron Sparks: “CN Tower” | From 2004.  Why does The Comedy Network need to air something from more than half a decade ago?  I like Ron Sparks, but I hate rehashes of material this old.  At least Video on Trial, Ed the Sock and Life’s a Zoo.tv have kept Sparks in blow.

From the Desk of Ron Sparks‘ concept is simple.  Sparks writes fake letters to real addresses.  Here, Sparks wants to jump off the CN Tower in a superhero costume.  The piece is slight but entertaining.  I’ve seen better and worse from Ron Sparks.

Check Up | Nathan Fielder saves this CCS episode with his awkward comedy.  Fielder goes to the doctor for a checkup.  Everything is fine until the doctor wants to check his prostate.

The sketch idea isn’t new, but Fielder sells fear very well.  No sane man wants a male doctor to touch his meat and two veg.  It’s one of the few evergreen societal taboos.  In lesser hands, Check Up would be cheap comedy.  In Fielder’s hands, mundane awkwardness is made an art form.

Nathan Fielder now writes for Important Things with Demetri Martin.  I wish Canada would find a use for Fielder beyond nailing him to the side of This Hour Has 22 Minutes.  The Comedy Network has given him an hour-long special, which isn’t enough.

---

Yikes.  Four segments from 2007 or earlier?  Seriously, how does The Comedy Network swing that?  ZeD showed its share of older clips, but at least it had the good sense to air quality shorts like Flying Saucer Rock’n'Roll.  That was ZeD‘s thing.  It was free-form television.  Canadian Comedy Shorts isn’t.

Maybe I don’t understand CCS‘ format, having watched it for the first time in 2010.  It’s just lazy to build a program over one newish clip and four older ones.  Two or three new clips an episode, fine.  A clip from 2004?  That’s like Teletoon airing Quads! in 2009.

I hope CCS’ next episode improves from the season premiere.  I’d like to see more than one new short per episode.  I don’t even care if one-or-two-year-old shorts are shown.  I just don’t like when CCS shorts are used as blatant filler.  I don’t know who would.

This was originally written for theddt.co.uk back in 2007.  Yeah, it’s relatively current!  Imagine that!

Yeah, I know, I haven’t written for TheDDT on a regular basis since 2005.  For some reason, I still get promo copies of WWE discs sent to me and it’s about time I started upholding the name of WrestlingOpions.com, WrestlingOpinons.com or what site Koch Canada thinks I write for this week.  I thought I’d start by going through one of the worst-regarded WWE pay-per-views ever, since I’ve never done recaps and thought I’d start with some easy comedy fodder.

I know, WWE itself is rife with said comedy fodder.  WWE has some great archival footage, I swear!

The WWE commercials featuring Hulk Hogan and Rowdy Roddy Piper’s DVD sets – geez, at least WWE could make an attempt to shill ECW product on its ECW-branded shit.  Yeah, I expect hardcore ECW fans to care about the AWA and a six-year-old Drowning Pool song that has been used to shorthand ECW ever since it became a WWE entity.  Then again, some hardcore ECW fans (and I must point out SOME) went nuts for Sid and Dusty Rhodes back in the day, so what does that tell you?

Pyro, since that and giant video screens obviously capture the spirit of ECW.  You know what else captures the spirit of ECW?  Carlos Cabrera and Hugo Savinovich!

One Night Only, At Least Until The Next One
The Hardys vs. MNM
I like the LED displays on MNM’s coats.  Sadly, I care about this more than I care about seeing the Hardy Boyz back together.  Tazz goes on about this possibly being the last time the Hardy Boyz would function as a tag team.  Hindsight shit, this is a feud and it looked like a feud since it started.

I remember sites like The Wrestling Blog and Wrestlemag (I follow the IWC every so often to see what the hive mind forces itself to like at the moment) complaining about the pace of this match, saying it was paced more like a Southern tag team match than anything else.  So the Hardy Boyz are actually wrestling instead of them doing gratuitous flippies onto everyone?  HERESY!

By the way, why does the Augusta crowd chant “HOLY SHIT” for wrestlers jumping from the top rope onto one another in succession, aside from this being Augusta?  If that’s all it takes for a crowd to go nuts, seeing La Parka in an ECW match would cause everyone living in Augusta to go apoplectic.  I miss La Parka.

Johnny Nitro accidentally bumps Melina off the ring apron instead of taking out Jeff Hardy as intended.  MNM attempt to snapshot Jeff Hardy from the second rope, but Matt Hardy swings a neckbreaker on both of them.  Hardy does his swanton bomb and the Hardys win.  Decent match, but highly overrated by WWE fanboys.

Balls Mahoney vs. Matt Striker

Isn’t that the greatest way to use Balls Mahoney, having him feud with EXTREEEEEME SCHOOLTEACHER?  I never expected WWECW to be just like the unaffiliated ECW, but isn’t the point of this ECW to take some of the Raw/Smackdown castoffs and give them better gimmicks?  Tazz and Joey Styles spend an unsettling amount of time (well, it would be if Tazz wasn’t well established in his aren’t-I-blue-collar persona) talking about Matt Striker’s putting his face on his ass and Mahoney being greasy as both Tazz and Styles continue their transformation into Michael Cole.

A lot of that homosexual talk can be blamed on Striker’s outfit, though – pink sweater, Rob Conway’s tights, Striker’s hate of all things unrefined.  It’s the standard WWE intellectual gimmick.  We’re supposed to hate him!  He acts like he’s so smart!  Boo!  Hiss!  Them smart guys are homos, too!  I mean, The Genius, am I right?

Balls Mahoney wins after getting in the requisite babyface comeback offense, using the Ballbuster Slam to defeat Striker.  Fans chant “BALLS! BALLS! BALLS!” as mandated by law and because WWE is throwing a bone to the faithful.

Hey, it’s CM Punk rotating his hands!

A segment establishes that Sabu has been “hurt bad.”  It’s bullshit, of course, and the crowd acknowledges this.  Then again, I wouldn’t expect anyone to react favorably to a bait-and-switch tactic.  Hell, I don’t expect the stupidest WWE fan to react favorably to this, and those people tend to actually buy WWE pay-per-views.

Elijah Burke & Sylvester Terkay vs. F.B.I.

Elijah Burke’s gimmick is that he’s black, and he talks in black promo language to establish this.  That seems to be the gimmick of most black characters in WWE.  Sylvester Terkay is there as an appendage to Burke.  At this point, I will stop treating the two like separate entities.

As an aside, is that an outline of the Russo-era WCW logo on FBI’s tights?  Neat, shorthand for “I LOSE REGULARLY.”  You know, since WCW was always shit in WWE parlance.

Burkay wins!  BLACK POWER!

BLACK!

Shots of Sabu being put into an ambulance.  The main-event good guys look concerned, considering how real this injury is.

Tommy Dreamer vs. Daivari

Daivari wins by pulling on Dreamer’s pants during a schoolboy.  The match itself isn’t as important as trying to put over The Great Khali as super-awesome and big and angry and shit.

The Great Khali chokebombs Dreamer!  My god, The Great Khali is super-awesome and big and angry and shit!  Well, without the “super-awesome” part.

Notice how this pay-per-view seems to be centred around pushing the ECW on Sci-Fi TV show?  That isn’t good.  See, the TV show should be used to push the pay-per-view.  I guess I just don’t understand these newfangled marketing strategies WWE is using.

Paul Heyman tries to put over the fact that Sabu is REALLY, REALLY HURT AND THIS IS NOT A WAY TO WRITE HIM OUT OF THE PAY-PER-VIEW.  He places Hardcore Holly in the main event.  Boo!  Hiss!  Generic bad-guy stuff!  Grr!

Mike Knox & Kelly Kelly vs. Kevin Thorn & Ariel

As might be expected from this pay-per-view pushing the television show, Mike Knox turns on Kelly Kelly in timeworn fashion by walking away from his match while Kelly is still in the ring.  The wrestling is better here than in the previous two matches, not that the wrestling isn’t third-tier to begin with.  The Sandman comes out and canes Kevin Thorn, purely to fill “Sandman canes _____ here” quota.

Yay!  Bobby Lashley is being interviewed!  He cuts an unconvincing promo in that lovely Southern lilt of his.  He really needs a manager to talk for him, since this “soft-spoken but kicks ass” shit ain’t cutting it.  As of the time I write this, nothing about his character has changed, and it’s been four months – four months of boring feuds and both McMahon and Trump trying to make Lashley seem interesting.  Lashley has to be the most inconsequential main-eventer in years.

Paul Heyman comes out in heel mode.  At least a few idiots shout “YOU SOLD OUT” and other “witty” smark chants as if Heyman hadn’t sold out five-and-a-half years before December to Dismember 2006 and wasn’t on Vince’s payroll for a decade.  Not even the magic of audio editing can stop the audience from crapping on Heyman’s crapping-on.

More than a few people knew that Heyman had become persona non grata to WWECW just before this pay-per-view aired, but it’s still lame to see Heyman not whip it out and just piss all over his employers.  If you’re dead wood, why the hell not set yourself on fire in the process?  It’s not like WWE was doing right by him.  Instead it’s “I’m Paul ‘Jesus’ Heyman, Sabu can’t be here” etc.

The chamber lowers, pyro blows up and entrance videos appear on the ECWtron.  This is not just any filler.  THIS IS EXTREEEEEME FILLER!

Extreme Elimination Chamber Match for the ECW Championship
“Big” Show (champion) vs. “Soft-Talking, Hard-Hitting™” “Bobby” “Lashley” vs. Rob “Van” Dam vs. Sabu Hardcore “Bob” Holly vs. “Test” vs. CM “Punk”

Hardcore Holly and RVD are out first.  Tazz thinks RVD putting his hands and feet in the spaces between the chains is a feat worthy of Spider-Man.  It’s notable, sure, but I remember when Tazz’s announcing wasn’t painful to listen to.  Yeah, I remember 2003.

EXTREEEEEME BLURRY AERIAL SHOT!  E C DUB!  E C DUB!

Holly works over CM Punk.  Test comes out wielding the amazing power of both crowbar and Test.  RVD uses the amazing power of chair to hit CM Punk’s face.  RVD Five-Star Frog Splashes CM Punk and goes for a three-count.  This match is not going to bode well.

Test eliminates Hardcore Holly.  To add to the greatness of this pay-per-view, the three-count is botched but Holly is still eliminated.  EXTREEEEEME SLOPPINESS!

RVD stands on top of the Big Show’s pod.  RVD is hit by a Test-aided chair repeatedly and is thrown off said pod through the Amazing Power of Test’s Arm.  Test jumps off the pod himself and uses the Amazing Power of Test’s Elbow to eliminate RVD.

Well, that makes sense!  Eliminate the two most popular wrestlers in ECW and leave a minute for Test to stand around!  I felt ripped off watching that, and I’m reviewing a promo.

Bobby Lashley is prevented from escaping thanks to Heyman’s hired goons.  Lashley escapes by using the table to break apart the top of the pod.  Evidently this is supposed to make me give a shit about Lashley.  It fails.  Test is eliminated by Lashley and Lashley pisses about for more than a minute.  How could anybody think that this slapdash match progression is not in any way worthy of ECW?  They suck!

Big Show and Lashley fight.  The two demonstrate the Amazing Power of Plexiglass.  Lashley becomes ECW Champion.  Man, I hate Bobby Lashley.

Extras?  Post-match interviews and the Big Show/Lashley rematch from the ECW on SciFi immediately following this pay-per-view.  Look, wrestling fans know this is a doggy bag of a pay-per-view, so why isn’t WWE Home Video stuffing this to the gills with easter eggs?  Then again, maybe it’s for the best that the PPV discs as of late don’t have any easter eggs.  If December to Dismember 2006 isn’t marked down six months to a year after it’s been out as per WWE tradition, I’ll be amazed.

This wasn’t the worst pay-per-view ever, but $40 to watch Sylvester Terkay wrestle?  I’m amazed WWE makes money.  Never underestimate the power of nostalgia to prop up a bad product’s profits, I guess.

This was originally written for theddt.com.  It appears now on a site that, as of late, has actually been updated.  Since theddt.com has been dead for several years and theddt.co.uk…well, clinically dead, I thought I’d save this article from a fate worse than death.  ”Enjoy!”

Anyone who knows what CD title I parodied for this article wins this beautiful jar of air.  I’ll give you a hint: it’s the title of a 2000 album by an overrated black metal band.  The members of this band are evidently DARK and no doubt go to FUNERALs in black-and-white makeup.  Do you know who this DARK, FUNERAListic band are?  Well, I already gave the answer, so you’re S.O.L.  Or S.O.D., same thing.  METAL!

Recently, I went to Campbellford, Ontario for a day of shopping at some of the world’s murphiest discount store chains.  For those who don’t know, i.e., anyone still reading me after all this time, Campbellford is a small town of about 10,000 or so people with at least two competing discount stores (Giant Tiger and Liquidation World), a few dollar stores and a thrift shop.  Somehow, Campbellford manages to contain more quality discount items per capita than most places in Eastern Ontario, and a generic dollar store on the same strip as Liquidation World somehow manages to sell titles like Going Nucular – a book that came out last year and has had some mainstream press lavished on it as of late – for a dollar.  It’s a schizophrenic place, that no-name dollar store.  It will sell cheap dollar DVDs with thirty minutes worth of material on them – honestly, if you love Film! Film! Film!, that dollar store is a godsend to you – for $2.00 because the DVDs are located in the “gift shop” portion of the store, but $24.95 hardcovers retail for a dollar and VHS copies of Timmy the Tooth sell for $4.95.  Uncanny.

Anyway, to show you what a sad sod I am, I bought this book for primary-school kids about Sting.

At first glance, there’s really nothing wrong with what Feel The Sting‘s trying to accomplish.  Kids like wrestling, teaching a six-or-seven-year-old words like “dominated” and “cardiovascular” might make them smarter than some of the people reading TheDDT now and WCW at this point (note the rejigged fat bastard logo circa 2000, when the book was published) needed new fans.  In other words, I might look like an infantile, unfunny hack for making fun of a children’s book, dragging myself down to the level of Wrestlecrap’s “Somebody Bought THIS!” picture with smart-ass remark (I refuse to call it a “column.”)  Some people, of course, think Randy Baer’s right testicle is funnier than me on my absolute best day.  I’m an insensitive clod, but that’s why you secretly admire me, you jealous teases.  You want me.

After glancing through the book more than once, though, I realized what the book’s intentions really are: to indoctrinate children into believing the “official” history of WCW, a history of course fraught with inaccuracies and seven shades of “realness.”  Not that it did a good job, of course, if the book dissipated into dollar-store tedium alongside hundreds of copies of the same issue of some crappy Image miniseries and Muppet Babies’ I Can Go Potty.  Well, that and Feel The Sting is rather sloppily put together.  This is WCW 2000, where things go into a black hole of quality quite easily.  Let us traipse through this book now and discover the joys of typos and irrelevancy!  WHEEE!

MORE LIKE NUDIE BOARD GAMES!  Sorry, I know Young Ones references are dated by this point, but are kids really interested in knowing that Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Sting like to play Crazy Eights before Duggan’s inevitable loss to Meng?  More to the point, why would kids give a shit about Hacksaw Jim Duggan in the first place?  I know his “big dumb patriot with lumber” gimmick has its appeal, but seven-year-olds don’t as a rule don’t stay up to watch B-shows like WCW Saturday Night just to watch Duggan eke out a half-star classic against Air Paris.  If they did, I’d send them to a remedial English class just out of spite – even if I wasn’t a teacher.

Not that I’m intelligent myself, since I admitted earlier to having listened to Dark Funeral at one point in time.  I shouldn’t talk.

Gene Okerlund is a “journalist” like pro wrestling is “a real sport.”  Gene Okerlund is a “journalist” like Simple Plan “aren’t annoying.”  Gene Okerlund is a “journalist” like calling a wrestling fan a smark “isn’t retarded.”  How long can I stretch this extended simile out?  PRETTY DAMN FAR, LET ME TELL YOU…BROTHER!

Honestly, kids aren’t that stupid.  I know wrestling has always blurred the line between fantasy and reality, but how an interviewer and longtime company man like Gene Okerlund could ever be a “journalist” strains credulity.  Even in the world of “kayfabe,” it’s a stretch to call Mene Gene a journalist as he’s not going to do anything other than promote WCW and pretend Billy Kidman has said something profound.  Even at a young age, it’s pretty obvious that interviewing men with gimmicks like “angry Polynesian with afro” and “man everyone knows is Ed Leslie with a bondage mask on” exclude company announcers from calling themselves journalists.  Not that Dave Scherer is any more legitimate a journalist by comparison, of course, but I heard he can bench two cruiserweights!  NOW THAT’S BELIEVABLE!

Sounds impressive, doesn’t it?  To seven-year-old kids unfamiliar with the fixed nature of wrestling, it does.  Well, maybe not, as it’s Sid Vicious the book is talking about here.  Anyone booked to win more than fifty consecutive matches (forty-five of them against The Renegade, Pat Tanaka and Jim Powers alone) is going to look impressive even if Disco Inferno is the one with the incredible winning streak.  Still…it’s Sid.

Look at the picture up there!  He can’t even look convincingly angry, for God’s sake!  He looks constipated, but his name isn’t Sid Bollocks.  THOUGH HE WRESTLES LIKE THAT!  HYOOO!

What all this has to do with Sting, of course, is up for debate.  Not like the company was ever going to exist past 2001 anyway.

We come now to the section about Sting’s title defenses.  Right away, you can tell the book is professional as the picture of Sting holding a recently claimed title is shown backwards.  How can I tell?  Well, RIALF CIR isn’t exactly a household name in wrestling, is he?  Maybe he’s one of those one-day not-really-champions, I don’t know.  Perhaps he’s Irish?

Solid gold, eh?  If it was really solid gold the belt wouldn’t have a leather backing.  I just quashed a rumour, isn’t that amazing?

What I love about Feel The Sting is the fact that it merges Sting’s runs with the WCW World Title and the “WCW International World Title.”  I know the two belts were supposed to be equal to each other in terms of importance, but the fact remains that having two world champions in one company without two contrived divisions was a terrible idea in the first place.  If the NWA didn’t want to have anything to do with WCW anymore, WCW should have just came clean and slagged off the NWA as beneath them.  WCW didn’t, so it had two world titles at one point.  It’s great to teach the kids that the two world titles were actually one and the same.  That isn’t lying to them by any means.

Imagine some seven-year-old reading this, announcing Rick Rude as a World Champion and being beaten up by all and sundry because, after all, Rick Rude fans are gay.  It’s much more heterosexual to follow some guy who’d painted his face since 1985 and acted like a goth for five years.  STING WOULD BEAT YOU OFF WITH A BASEBALL BAT, HE WOULD!

Aren’t segues neat?

Honestly, how does having a baseball bat add to the character’s mystery in any way?  OOOH, I’M NOT GOING TO PUNCH YOU!  I’LL JUST SWING A BAT LIKE A COWARD BUT IT’S OKAY BECAUSE I’M A GOOD GUY!  I’M COMPLEX!  What the hell is “dark mystery,” anyway?  What other moods could mystery invoke?  This is a horribly written factoid, never mind that it’s written for children.  Anyway, at this point in his career Sting was regularly facing Vampiro because…um…they both had black-and-white facepaint.  What good was his mysterious brooding nature doing him then?  How much more mystery and brooding could you put into that feud when the only reason for the feud was due to Sting not being much more than midcard bait at this point?  Of course, if his career is languishing the time is OBVIOUSLY ripe for a book promoting Sting as one of the greatest superstars in WCW history.  I’m surprised WCW lost $80 million in 2000, I really am.

Finally, note how Feel The Sting switches from “old Sting” to “new Sting” quite frequently.  In one picture, Sting’s wearing a Harley-Davidson T-shirt.  The next page, Sting has switched allegiances to this unknown company called Yelrah.

Oh, wait, the sodding publisher didn’t notice a reversed picture before going to press with this book.  It’s one thing to call Japanese pro wrestling “puroesu,” but is it that hard to launch Photoshop and go through the Image and Rotate Canvas menus before clicking on Flip Horizontal?  Then again, anyone expecting quality control from a company with a “Publishimg Manager” should not claim to feel ripped off when Dorling Kindersley breaks your heart for the fifteenth time.

What did the book manage to teach us, then, in the end?  Well, it taught me that no matter how run-down the license, there will be someone who will take a chance on it no matter how terrible the product.  It also taught me that Sting very rarely enjoys cookies, pizza, or pralines-and-cream ice cream.  I hope this rundown of Feel The Sting has all helped us, in some way, to grow.  I guess this article has a happy ending after all.

I’m sorry.  I couldn’t think of a non-crap ending.  Uhh…trousers.

Matt Watts has been responsible for some of the better CBC Radio comedy programs of recent years.  Steve the First and its sequel Steve the Second used the concept of random schlubs surviving standard-issue Mad Max-like dystopias to some degree of success.  While the two Steve series were uneven in spots, Watts has at least proven that he can do satirical science fiction.  Canadia: 2056 is his most consistent effort to date and has already been renewed for a fifteen-episode second season.

The two Steve series will be given a second airing on CBC Radio One starting July 23.  Both Steve the First and Steve the Second are being rerun weirdly – Monday through Friday at 11:30 AM until August 1, which is of course the best way to air limited-run niche series.  That’s still better than the fate of The Adventures of Apocalypse Al, which is sitting in CBC Radio archives despite J. Michael Straczynski’s involvement.

This email has been in my archives since July 4, 2007.  At least you get to read this interview before everyone involved with it is dead.

How well has CBC Radio promoted Canadia: 2056 and the two Steve series?  Should there be more promotion for CBC radio dramas overall or is it worth it considering the smaller audience for radio when compared to television?  How could podcasting/”the INTERNET®” help, since the MP3 player is not going away any time soon?

No comment (read into that however you like.)

Why have you picked sci-fi themes and parodies as fodder for your radio dramas?  Such a thing is atypical for CBC Radio considering shows like Monsoon House, Man, Woman & Child and Madly Off in All Directions tend to be more typical of CBC Radio’s comedic output.  I know you’re influenced by science fiction and “zany madcap humour” but it’s almost out of place compared to giving established Canadian stand-ups a half hour to play with.  Not that I hate Man, Woman & Child, but I’ve been familiar with John Wing Jr. since the early 1990s and it’s sort of sad that I’ve been aware of his work since I was twelve.

I picked science fiction as a genre for radio because I figured that I might as well make the most of the medium.  You can take the audience anywhere with radio.  Why not do something you couldn’t do on television?  With that in mind, I’ve tried to keep things fairly simple in terms of the storylines.  To me it’s about the relationships, not about the “flash” of science fiction.  When it came to Canadia, I really wanted to do something about US/Canadian relations and I wanted to use a war as a backdrop.  I wanted to explore more general themes of how these two countries interact without getting into a political debate about the current (or recent) war, so that meant I could set it in the past or the future.  I get really bored with historical dramas.

You think my stuff is “zany madcap?”  Huh…I never looked at it like that.  I guess Canadia has a farcical quality to it, and Steve was definitely absurd.  Zany Madcap it is!

[NOTE: That "zany madcap" bit was referring to the fact that Matt Watts was influenced by radio comedies like The Goon Show.  You can tell I was having a Ron Obvious moment there.]

How do you feel about science fiction, arts-wise (film, television, softcore porn etc.) and/or as a literary genre?  How popular a niche is science fiction in Canada, in your opinion?  You don’t think CBC wasted its money helping bankroll Doctor Who and Torchwood and thereby indulging Russell T. Davies’ wildest fantasies, do you?

I love science fiction but I think it can be alienating when it puts the emphasis on the “science” and not on the “fiction.”  The story always has to be engaging, regardless of the genre.

I think its popularity as a genre is fairly consistent throughout the world.  Canada hasn’t produced a lot of science fiction television or films, but we’ve produced a lot of written sci-fi.  I honestly don’t know if there’d be an audience for my kind of sci-fi in Canadian television.  If Canadia was a television show, would it have a big audience?  I’m sure it would have a loyal audience; I just don’t know if that’s enough.  Look at the nightmare the Red Dwarf guys are having trying to get funding for their film.

As for Doctor Who, I’m biased.  Sci-fi or not, it’s my favorite show, and it has been since I was about four years old.  I can’t even give you an honest criticism of the new show, because I cry every time the credits start and don’t stop until about half an hour after it’s over.  It strikes some kind of weird nerve with me (no one hugged me as a child, all I had was TV.)  I love the show.  I’m glad CBC is putting money into it.  I wish they had some kind of say in the production.

I wish they could get me over there.  I think writing on that series would be the greatest job ever.  It’s my dream.  It’ll never happen but it’s nice to dream.

Embarrassing child-like reaction aside, I think the CBC should be doing a lot more co-productions with the BBC.  Less American influence, more UK, I say.  Team up with Auntie Beeb!  Let’s face it, our tastes are more in line with the UK’s, aren’t they?

How do you compare your CBC radio dramas to your other work?  Your most well-known roles outside of CBC Radio are for your involvement in Ken Finkleman’s sitcom The Newsroom and Don McKellar’s film Childstar.  How important is “know someone in the business” in comparison to “make sure what I’m writing doesn’t suck shit?”

The Newsroom was great.  Although I was a creative consultant the third year, I was really just an actor for the two years I was on the show.  Those two years were probably the most fun I’ve had in my life.  With my radio stuff I have a lot more control and a lot more pressure.  I write the episodes, then go in and record them.  It’s totally different.  I’m a lot more concerned with the final product than I was on The Newsroom.

As for knowing people in the industry?  Someone can open a door for you, but once you’re in there you’d better have a fucking great script.  The most important thing is always the writing.  Otherwise, you’re just going to look unprepared and foolish, and that “friend” in the industry is likely to never help you out again.

How does it feel getting people like Mark McKinney (Kids in the Hall; Saturday Night Live) and Peter Wildman (The Frantics) to be involved with your radio dramas?  How does the “marquee name” – well, as much as CBC budgets will allow for radio drama – attract casual interest for the dramas, or are listeners there because CBC Radio isn’t just rebroadcasting routines from the Winnipeg Comedy Festival?

I don’t know what the listener numbers are, or if having marquee names actually increases listenership.  Having Mark on the Steve series came about because we’d been looking for a project to work together on for years, and he really liked this idea.  It was never about landing a name – he was involved in the project since pretty early on.

I love Peter Wildman.  My producer actually brought him in for the part [of Captain of the USS Pickens] not because of his name, but because he thought he’d be good in the role.

I was pretty excited to have Peter on because I was a fan of his as a kid.  Mark I’ve known for years, so it was nice having a friend around who had a better idea of what was going on than I did.

I’m against trying to get marquee names in general, only because it’s distracting.  Why bother?  Just make it good.

I got pretty excited when Donnelly Rhodes [Battlestar Galactica's Doctor Cottle] agreed to be in Canadia – he plays the president in the opening credits.  I didn’t try to get him because I thought it would help gain listenership – I’m just a fan.  His voice was perfect.

What’s next for Matt Watts?  What sort of subjects do you feel you’ll go to once (or if) you ever exhaust making fun of Canadian cultural mores through a sci-fi based comedy radio program?  Does the idea of making veiled jabs at CBC programming decisions through the sci-fi conceit seem subversive to you, or do you not believe in that “subversive” crap and need the money?

Yeah, I do love poking fun at the CBC.  I really love the place, so it’s never done out of malice (just to be clear.)  I assume that the jokes are relevant to anyone that works in any kind of large corporation.  If Canadia continues there’ll be plenty more of that kind of stuff.

I don’t know if I feel the need to comment on Canadian culture so much.  I feel like Canadia has been that outlet for me.

I loved writing Steve the First because its premise was simple: a bum like me saving the world after an apocalypse.  I knew exactly how this one character would react to all the absurdities and hell that he’d encounter.

I’m working on a feature that will hopefully move beyond my computer.  It’s in keeping with the tradition of most of my stuff in that it’s about a boy and a girl (I know it’s not always clear, but ultimately everything I write is about a boy and a girl.)  Unlike everything else, it’s set on Earth and there are no apocalypses or aliens.  It’s not science fiction at all.  It’s the least sci-fi thing I’ve written.  It’s 100% sci-fi free!

Joe Mahoney [producer, Steve the First and Steve the Second; story editor on all Matt Watts' radio dramas] has been pushing me to novelize the first Steve series, and I’ve been tinkering with that over the last few years.  Maybe that’s what will be next, although it’s the scariest and most daunting thing I’ve ever tackled.

I just keep writing and hope that someone will be interested in it.

Matt Watts’ page
CBC Radio Canadia page (or at least a vague simulation)

Q, meant as a general and wide-ranging arts and culture show, has displaced shows like Freestyle and The Arts Tonight on CBC Radio One schedules.  This is part of a general restructuring of CBC Radio to assess the fact that the average listener is over the age of 65.  CBC Radio as an organization is correctly assessing that some things about its networks have run their course – too much of a classical music focus on CBC Radio Two, for instance.

At the same time, the new shows often come at the expense of shows that didn’t need to be sacrificed, Brave New Waves being the most notable of the shows that recently went defunct.  The questions are: is Q a good show period, and is it better than the shows it replaced, most notably Freestyle and The Arts Tonight?

The second question, at least for me, is answerable.  Q is better than Freestyle, the show it’s directly replacing.  What annoyed me about Freestyle was the format of two hosts making idle chatter and then playing music being flimsy at best.  None of the hosts were able to transcend such a bad format.  Q has some structure to it – its promise to cover the whole of culture is already being met.  Lame title aside, Q knows why it’s on the schedules.

As for the first question, the show’s a little too uneven to properly gauge at this point.  Q is a mixed bag.  Pieces have already ranged from the essentially meaningless (an interview with Harry Connick Jr. where Connick shilled his New Orleans tribute CD) to the truly interesting (a piece about the Montreal Museum of Fine Arts’ Once upon a Time Walt Disney exhibition.)

A few pieces came across as spillovers from Definitely Not the Opera – the deconstruction of Beyoncé songs from an “armchair therapist” being one piece best left untouched.  Shows like DNTO and Go! are sometimes hard to take due to that sense of humour, and I’d hate to see Q fall into that trap.

Thursday’s opening, where host Jian Ghomeshi actually addressed Q‘s perceived Toronto-centric bias (that’s where the show is located, so of course it’s going to reflect Toronto culture to a certain extent), gives me hope that bad pieces will be the exception for the show.  I love that a CBC Radio show addresses its shortcomings instead of ignores them.  It’s about damn time!

Speaking of Ghomeshi’s hosting style, it’s at least credible.  As CBC Radio personalities go, he’s professional enough – he genuinely seems to enjoy his job and doesn’t come across as forcing the pace or being obnoxious like other CBC Radio personalities (Sook-Yin Lee, I’m looking in your direction.)  This being CBC Radio One, there’s not much deviation from the standard CBC arts show template – contributor’s pieces, interviews with Canadian artists, music.  It’s the format most shows on CBC Radio use.  Hopefully Q will become more diverse in the weeks to come, because two pieces on Loreena McKennitt in five days really isn’t that adventurous.

Overall, Q is what I expected it to be – a few mistakes here and there, rough around the edges, not without dodgy interview subjects (Suzie McNeil from Rock Star: INXS and the Toronto performance of Ben Elton’s We Will Rock You, although that interview had good insight into how reality shows actually work.)  Still, as debuts go Q shows some promise.  It doesn’t stray far from the CBC/public radio mandate, but I like that the show has potential to cover territory unfamiliar to CBC Radio and I hope Q exploits that in the near future.

If only Q didn’t tell me how many letters are in its name, it’d be set.  That tagline is aging faster than Ra’s Al Ghul when he stops feeling the effects of the Lazarus Pit.

Q, CBC Radio One
Friday, 11:30 AM-12:00 NOON (limited run)

The Best of Scharpling and Wurster on the Best Show on WFMU, Volume 4: The Art of the Slap
Stereolaffs, 2007

I was a bit skeptical about Scharpling and Wurster’s The Art of the Slap when I first heard about it.  Tom Scharpling’s day job is as a writer/executive producer for Monk while Jon Wurster has involved himself with bands like Superchunk and the Mountain Goats.  Together they have contributed voices to Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Squidbillies (good) and have involved themselves heavily with Tom Goes to the Mayor (bad.)  Their pedigrees include a mix of the great and the forgettable.

Nowadays, I often reference Philly Boy Roy routines without knowing.  Scharpling and Wurster have that effect on people.

The type of comedy The Art of the Slap deals in is hard to pull off.  Considering the level of difficulty in trying to make the ridiculous believable, S&W acquit themselves very well.  This won’t be everyone’s type of comedy – hell, I didn’t even think it was that funny on first listen.  Still, S&W have taken the Simpsons/South Park tack of building an entire self-contained universe out of a volunteer show on famed freeform station WFMU.

Ten years after Jon Wurster pulled a prank on WFMU listeners by pretending to shill the worst music reference book ever (well, the worst fake music reference book ever), Scharpling and Wurster can make something outlandish easily seem like it’s happening right now.  They can mix a realistic, down-to-earth routine with robots and magic powers.  The joke is on the listeners for buying into all this even when they’re in on the joke.  It’s quite a proactive, dynamic paradigm – with zazz!

Caution: this contains spoilers.  Then again, if you’re familiar with Scharpling and Wurster and/or have gone to recidivism.org you would realize that I’m spoiling at most 5% of the routine.  S&W’s routines are just that involved – and long.

Disc One
Jock Squad (October 11, 2005) – That isn’t much of a premise, frankly.  A parody of Geek Squad but with jocks?  Way to aim high, S&W!  The standard Scharpling & Wurster buildup is established for the neophytes: the Jock Squad turn out to be ‘roid balloons, spending most of their time working out (sometimes with the computers they’re supposed to be fixing – the Jock Squad even shoot .mpgs of themselves destroying computers) and taking thirty minutes of their time each day to actually learn about computer repair.  Well, they don’t really learn about computer repair, but they tune up Scharpling’s computer by rinsing it out.  Scharpling has bodily harm threatened on him, setting up the denouement that listeners will be familiar with after listening to more than one S&W routine.  Kind of obvious, but “Jock Squad” does have its moments.

The Auteur (March 4, 2006) – “The Auteur” Trent L. Strauss defends his films (You’re Soaking in Her, Entrails 2: The Gouging, Face Peelers 1-4 and 6, The Hacksawist, Gut Bomb 2003) as morally uplifting, and then describes at length his latest opus The Tool Belt Killer.  He sells “Belty,” the rich son of the town’s mayor and Strauss’ apparent Mary Sue, as the hero of the film.  Somehow Viking strength, omelettes, a love interest and attempts at product placement feature into the film.  This is in every way better than “Jock Squad” – the premise is better, the opening relatively realistic (Scharpling argues against Hollywood being socially responsible, leading to Strauss’ defending it via the worst possible examples) and the buildup more bizarre overall.

The Tool Belt Killer, which seems to be The Driller Killer but more Lowe’s-centric, is something I’d like to see.  As with many S&W routines, it ends with the Jon Wurster character threatening Scharpling’s life.  How?  Watch the upcoming documentary Kill the DJ to find out.

Philly Boy Roy (July 11, 2006) – Philly Boy Roy is a recurring character within the S&W framework.  He appears often enough that it’s one of the most recognizable S&W routines – hell, PBR threatens to swallow 2007 where it stands.  This outing features the manipulative Roy Jr. convincing his father that he’s psychic, leading to PBR believing that he has switched bodies with his son.  His son then spends money on a mini-catamaran while PBR gets caught smoking while attending summer school.  PBR also wins the Running of the Cheesesteaks (“little people” ride four-wheelers and swing shellacked cheesesteaks at race participants), leading to PBR eating sixty-five pounds of his 200-pound cheesesteak prize in a day.

I’m not even going to explain the backstory behind Laser Allin.  Yes, there is mention of laser shows set to songs like “Expose Yourself to Kids,” “I Don’t Give a S***” (the lack of profanity on The Best Show is such that “S***” is actually pronounced “s”) and “Watch Me Kill.”  It all sounds so stupid, but the PBR guy is damn near endearing even when talking about GG Allin.  I can’t explain why someone who burned down a Quizno’s franchise is appealing to any degree, but he is and I’ll leave it at that.

Disc Two
Andy from Lake Newbridge (October 18, 2005) – Another relatively weak routine from S&W.  Andy from Lake Newbridge is a carp.  He talks shit about Aquaman, hinting that “Aquadouche” and Namor the Sub-Mariner are a thing.  Andy also crashes on Aquaman’s pad when Aquaman isn’t there.  Andy’s life is like a more literal version of Spongebob Squarepants, Andy fronting a band called The Hey Now and phoning through a headset.  One can just see the fish-based jokes in one’s head, and they’re prevalent here.  Scharpling actually ends the interview by picking a fight with Andy.  It’s not much of a sketch, but that seems to be the standard with the first track on both discs.

Tornado Todd (April 5, 2006) – “Wait…whuuut?” is one of the catchphrases familiar to Scharpling & Wurster routines.  It doesn’t sound like much, but you have to hear Jon Wurster say it.  Here he plays Tornado Todd Hutchins of non-profit organization LifeChanges.  Tornado Todd, who appeared on a previous edition of The Best Show, shills his line of products – Grand Theft Auto ripoff Pimp City (Todd is the voice of the rail-lovin’ ferret Pippin), dyed, scentless weed called Faux Nuggs and Tornado Todd’s Sorority Skank Patrol Volumes 1 through 17.

Tornado Todd, having survived being in a tornado with only minor injuries, has gone back to illicit business dealings.  At one point Hutchins blackmails Scharpling, Scharpling acting the part of Pimp City‘s Ving Rhames/Hulk Hogan gestalt Big Money under threat of his alleged “sick act” appearing in Tornado Todd’s Sickest Celebrity Sex Tape (guest panelists include Danny Bonaduce.)  It makes a nice change-up from the usual “Scharpling is dumbfounded by his callers” routine, although it ends in the usual “you gonna get killed” fashion.  This time, Scharpling faces the wrath of dismembering Siberian Yuri.  The best routine thus far on The Art of the Slap.

Postal Slap Fight (April 18, 2006) – The most outlandish routine on The Art of the Slap and one that veers off into many different directions.  Keith Garfinkle is the blackmailing nephew of United States Postmaster General Edmond T. Garfinkle (not the real Postmaster General, by the way – S&W routines aren’t supposed to be that realistic, after all.)

Garfinkle also steps into the nonagon for the Newbridge Redfaces of the Northeastern Slap Fight League, has won many Wayne Knight lookalike competitions and is very ill-informed.  He’s also seen President Baseball and ties that into why Dick Cheney (“Lon Chaney” to Keith Garfinkel) is being scouted by Major League Baseball.  Throwing that many disparate references into the routine shouldn’t work, but somehow it does and tops even Tornado Todd in its ridiculousness.  Surprisingly, Scharpling isn’t threatened with bodily harm here.

Bonus Disc
Mother 13…The First Rock Band on Mt. Everest! (May 2/9, 2006) – S&W refer to past routines a lot.  Mother 13 first appeared on a 2002 episode shilling their album on RCA and their appearance on the Earthlink/Pringles Summer Slam Jam.  Kern Pharmaceuticals, the makers of Summit Cola and a longtime Scharpling & Wurster running joke, have convinced Mother 13 to get back together and climb Mount Everest with assorted random music figures – the Polyphonic Spree, Buddy Guy, Art Alexakis of Everclear, Bruce Springsteen stalwart Clarence Clemons and blink-182′s Travis Barker.  Other assorted hangers-on include Trent L. Strauss and Darren Cook (better than his “brother” Dane Cook since Dane Cook is real and all.)  The objective is to play a concert at the summit of Everest, which Mother 13 lead singer Corey Harris gets ready for by climbing a rock-climbing wall drunk and doing a lot of situps.  He’s totally cut!

As expected, most of the people attempting the Mount Everest climb “die” – the Trent L. Strauss character somehow survives (although not on this CD set) and Corey Harris manages to tell the sordid details of his Mount Everest concert to Scharpling.

I found “Mother 13…The First Rock Band on Mt. Everest!” suspended disbelief to such a degree that it didn’t work comedically.  It’s “epic,” but the concept of having anyone climb a mountain with an entourage for a publicity stunt is too unbelievable even by S&W standards.  The two-part saga is overlong and it’s hard to believe any of the musicians mentioned in the routine would even bother to support a minor “new rock” band, never mind climb Mount Everest with them.  ”Mother 13…The First Rock Band on Mt. Everest!” has a good first half (the May 2 show), but that May 9 show just falls off a cliff.

Wait, I don’t mean that.  Uhh…Summit Cola roxx!  SOG?

Amazon.com does not currently list The Art of the Slap.  For more information about Scharpling and Wurster visit www.stereolaffs.com, Fotpedia and The Best Show playlists at WFMU.

Don McKellar‘s success in the Canadian entertainment industry amazes me.  He’s one of the few Canadian actors that has become as successful as he is while remaining an indigenous talent.

Why he chooses the projects he does, though, is beyond me.  There’s the Don McKellar that won a Cannes Prix de la Jeunesse for his debut directorial effort Last Night and has become a familiar figure in arthouse cinema.  There’s also the Don McKellar that lends his voice talents to Odd Job Jack, one of the most badly written and miserable “adult” cartoons I’ve seen in recent years.  He’s a charismatic actor, but he’s essentially played the same low-key slacker character for years – he’s 42 and still plays slacker archetypes – and has a limited range.  Still, he’s one of Canada’s success stories, which means he gets series like High Definition almost by default.

High Definition is a radio program trying to explain the relationship between television, its viewers and the wider world.  It’s a good idea – O’Reilly on Advertising recently applied media criticism to the advertising business, and the result was one of the more entertaining CBC Radio programs in recent years.  At the same time, programs like Definitely Not the Opera – and keep in mind I’m pitching ideas to this program, for the sake of disclosure – have produced some of the worst pieces on popular culture I’ve ever had the displeasure to witness, airing couldn’t-tax-the-brain-of-a-recessed-hamster segments like “Celebrities on Helium” that prove how funny pitchshifting is.  (Hint: it’s not.)  High Definition is the middle ground between the two programs.

Taking February 18′s program as an example, the episode description comes across as a typical, condescending DNTO segment given 24 minutes.  To wit:

Tune in this Saturday for a special episode of High Definition…On Ice. Host Don McKellar asks “Is figure skating the best soap opera on TV?” CBC Radio One’s new program about television ventures into the dramatic world of figure skating and tries to understand why it’s the most watched television sport after football.

Keep in mind, the previous two programs dealt with the topics of “Is Oprah REALLY saving the world?” and “How does 24 relate to the actual world of terrorism?”  These topics are covered in the usual CBC style – the analysis is slight to mildly probing, and McKellar isn’t really explaining how television works like Terry O’Reilly did advertising.  O’Reilly’s program gave a true insight into how advertising works, while McKellar plays his usual “detached observer” role.

High Definition‘s saving grace, though, is in the fact that McKellar at least tries for a more intelligent way of answering the questions he’s given.  High Definition has less attendant bias than usual for a CBC program, and McKellar proves a natural on radio.  His personality is such that he doesn’t come across as stupid for asking the questions he does.  It’s obvious that this program is a work in progress – while High Definition is trying to be immediate and more journalistically sound than usual, it’s not nearly as near-the-knuckle as it needs to be.  I’m not looking for Undercurrents-esque “investigating the media” pieces on Saturday morning radio, but McKellar didn’t come across to me as digging deep enough into his slight questions to say something truly profound about the television medium.  It’s nice to see him interview figure skaters and right-wing media types with equal fervour, but McKellar has done well in the Canadian television industry.  He doesn’t seem to be showing enough insight as a successful Canadian director and writer to explain why television influences the world the way it does.  Teddy O’Reilly at least lifted the veil a bit and explained the business from his perspective, something Don McKellar needs to do on his program.

Is High Definition bad, though?  No, and neither was O’Reilly on Advertising.  CBC can do media criticism well when it wants to, and in High Definition CBC Radio One has a program that can analyze the television medium – and possibly the CBC itself – while being entertaining and funny.  So far, High Definition has escaped the insipidity of typical CBC pop culture analysis, but the program needs to display more than it has if it hopes to last beyond its eight-week trial balloon.

High Definition has the ball.  Now it needs to run with it.

Relevant Info

High Definition
CBC Radio One, 02/04/2006-03/25/2006 (limited-run series)
Saturday, 11:30-11:54 AM EST