In the year and change I’ve written about television for URBMN, CBC has never aired a standalone pilot that has gone on to become a series…until now.  B Team (CBC: Buffalo Gal Pictures/Company Name Here Productions/Vérité Films, 2009) has made series, as InSecurity.

I’m not sure if B Team is a preview of what will air on CBC in 2010-11.  If it is, then I don’t have hope for InSecurity.  B Team is an unfunny execution of a surprisingly good concept.

B Team is set at the Canadian Intelligence and Security Establishment, the fictitious government organization du jour.  CISE has functions similar to other spy agencies.  Alex Taylor (Natalie Lisinska) leads her team into mediocrity, though no fault of her own.

Alex is too nice, allowing herself to be pushed around by boss Janet Brown (Veena Sood.)  The pilot helpfully points out every character’s role and/or personality traits.  Karl Lesage (Rémy Girard) is The Civil Servant.  Burt Lancaster (Matthew MacFadzean) is The Wiener.  JoJo Lum (Jeananne Goossen) is The Translator.  Lisa Hampton (Carolyne Maraghi) is The Friend, and so on.

In B Team‘s pilot, Alex is stuck monitoring a Chechen shoe salesman.  Her job isn’t glamourous, as Alex’s ex-husband Peter McNeil (David Jones) leads the respected, well-funded team.  Alex’s team mistakes yellow plasticine used on the Chechen’s model train set as C4 explosives.

Peter’s team somehow interprets the model as prelude to a real attack, and the situation devolves from there.  The espionage part of B Team isn’t that strong, the show relying on an ensemble cast to carry it.  For an action-comedy, B Team contains very little action and tons of desk jockeying.

I respect B Team for its intricate plotting, but the pilot is just not funny.  It’s the typical CBC sitcom – predictable, no laugh track, underacted in places.  B Team‘s underlying concept is solid, yet there’s little in the way of satire.  Espionage should be rife with satire.  B Team has no excuse for being as weak as it is.

I want to like B Team, but I can’t.  It’s safe, bland and almost stereotypically “Canadian.”  It’s as if B Team wants to talk about surveillance, and yet avoid the issue altogether.  That’s like Pure Pwnage not showing Jeremy pwn n00bs.  I sincerely hope InSecurity isn’t as bad as B Team, as the pilot doesn’t afford me much hope.

It’s the Stanley Cup Playoffs, and CBC needs content during the lulls between playoff rounds.  That’s right, it’s CBC Pilot Burn-Off Time again.  Memory Lanes (CBC: Memory Lanes Productions LLC, 2009) aired last week, and I’m publishing the review the week after it aired.  I try to be timely.

Memory Lanes features Ryan Stiles and Sean Masterson prominently.  Stiles should be familiar to viewers as Lewis on The Drew Carey Show.  He is a main castmember on the British and American versions of Whose Line Is It Anyway?  Masterson is Stiles’ longtime friend, appearing on Whose Line Is It Anyway? from time to time.  The two are stars/writers/executive producers, as per CanCon carte blanche laws.

Memory Lanes‘ plot is simple.  Bud Murray dies.  His two sons, Ryan (Stiles) and Sean (Masterson), each obtain half-ownership of his heavily-mortgaged bowling alley.  Ryan’s life is the alley, while Sean is a successful restaurateur.  Ryan and Sean are diametric opposites.  You should know what happens next.  You’ve seen The Odd Couple, right?

Memory Lanes is very American in its approach – laugh track, eccentric supporting cast, some crude jokes, a young girl with ‘tude.  Memory Lanes isn’t outright poor like The Good Germany, but there’s nothing notable or funny about the show.  It’s a paint-by-numbers sitcom on a network more known for paint-by-numbers sketch comedies.

Janet Wright is the best actor on Memory Lanes, remembering the good ol’ days and better ol’ sex.  Wright makes horny ex-lounge manager character Sarah Duggen work, even though Duggen is more one-dimensional than a straight line.  Giancarlo Caltabiano is also notable as Chester Wallace, the loopy bathroom attendant.

Stiles and Masterson are…well, Stiles and Masterson.  They essentially play each other.  While Stiles is okay at straight acting, he’s more at home as an improv comedian.  Masterson I’m not sure about, as I’m unfamiliar with his prior work.  They’re at least acceptable as Memory Lanes‘ stars.

I don’t think Memory Lanes would rate a pilot if Ryan Stiles was removed from the show.  There’s nothing in Memory Lanes‘ concept or execution that makes me want to watch more episodes.  It makes me wonder what CBC passed up in order to exploit Stiles’ name value.  I’ve seen worse shows on CBC, but I can’t see what the network would pair Memory Lanes with.

Memory Lanes is one more reason why CBC Television needs a massive programming enema.  In an age where sitcoms are constantly evolving, CBC airs a throwback to the 1990s.  I’d like to say I don’t get the network, but I’ve felt that way since it cancelled The Vacant Lot.

Wolf Canyon (APTN: Really Real Films, 2009) is a bit too generic to be on APTN.  The show is set on a reservation, and Lorne Cardinal plays a role on the show.  Despite this, Wolf Canyon feels like you could rip the “native” decals off and still have the same show.  This is Kevin Sorbo’s show, pure and simple.

Sorbo plays Rick Denham, a washed-up alcoholic actor.  Denham replaces former star Johnny Wilkes, who has found “greater” success as the star of an independent film.  Denham is also director Quincy Paul’s (Matty Finochio) estranged father.

Lorne Cardinal plays Hoyt Talbot Jr., the out-of-it stuntman.  Diane Wesson-Smythe (Nikki Payne) is the executive producer/Amy Poehler soundalike.  Carol Van Gleason (Barbara Tyson) and Samantha Hollis (Jessica Harmon) are the female cobreasts.

Denham and the other crewpeople try to stave off boredom while shooting on the Horse Head Lake First Nation reserve.  Wolf Canyon sets up a troubled production, somehow remaining in syndication despite itself.  Executive producer Allan Harmon cameos as a production executive who has technically cancelled Wolf Canyon, although the cancellation order is buried by the end of the pilot.

Wolf Canyon is a confusing mix of Corner Gas and 30 Rock.  It’s not as funny or biting as it should be, going for a broad gag every so often.  Sorbo playing a drunk asshole is surprisingly effective casting, but Wolf Canyon lacks a distinctive voice.

I’d rather see a full-on pisstake of cheap, syndicated Canadian television.  Shows like Beastmaster, Painkiller Jane and Blood Ties deserve the Kröd Mändoon and the Flaming Sword of Fire treatment.  Wolf Canyon‘s show-within-a-show deserves more air time, as the pilot barely scratches its surface.

Wolf Canyon‘s second episode is currently being written, as APTN mulls whether the show will earn a full season.  Kevin Sorbo has his cadre of fans, so this show’s a lock.  I’m not sure if failed pilots even exist on APTN.

Health Nutz | This show surprises me.  The premise – alcoholic inherits juice bar, but only on condition – sounds like it shouldn’t work.  Somehow, it does.

No, I didn’t learn from my experience with Life’s a Zoo.tv.  Shut up.

Kevin Loring is Buzz Riel Jr., a former hockey player and current heavy drinker.  He inherits part-ownership of the Health Nutz juice bar after Buzz Sr. (Paul Stanley) is run over by an SUV.  Buzz Jr. can only claim full ownership of said bar if he cleans up and goes sober, a habit Buzz Jr. is not willing to give up.  Smug entrepreneur Keith Harris (David Hamilton-Lyle) waits in the wings, hoping to obtain the Health Nutz property for condo development.

Loring doesn’t overplay Buzz Jr., although the script’s choice of profanity is odd (uh, “screwy Louie” and “rat turd?”)  The man is effective in portraying a couldn’t-give-a-shit attitude towards Health Nutz.  Chief Floyd Two-Rivers (Byron Chief-Moon) is just as good as Buzz Sr.’s right-hand man, trying to keep Riel Jr. from self-destruction.

Health Nutz doesn’t deal in cheap, easy humour, which I would normally expect from a show like this.  It’s a show about a juice bar, for crying out loud.  Writer/producer/executive producer Jason Friesen makes Health Nutz‘s premise believable, going for character-based humour.

This is the first APTN comedy I’ve seen where I’m actually interested in following the show.  Health Nutz isn’t going to be Cheers, but it’s one of the better things APTN has greenlighted.  I hope the actual series can match and/or exceed the pilot’s standards. Surprises like this don’t happen on Canadian television very often.

Bionic Bannock Boys | The Bionic Bannock Boys (Sean Dean, Cory Generoux, Keon Francis) let you know how aboriginal they are.  References to bingo, fried chicken and bannocks are copious.  You know you’re watching APTN when this show’s on the air.

Bionic Bannock Boys‘ pilot is a mix of corny humour and political commentary.  It’s an aboriginal version of CODCO spliced with Air Farce, if one can imagine such a beast.  I can see the show’s potential, but I also see a sketch about sasquatch phone sex.  Gorilla suit comedy does not work unless Benny Hill is involved.

Bionic Bannock Boys‘ pilot is a rough draft which needs refining.  While the show shouldn’t be too polished, Bionic Bannock Boys‘ pilot looks like a cable access show with national funding.  Maybe I’m too white to “get” the show, but Bionic Bannock Boys isn’t nearly as funny as it should have been.

Bionic Bannock Boys is going ahead as a series, so airing the pilot is a foregone conclusion.  I hope the series is better-mounted than the pilot, but I’m not holding my breath.

As this year’s CBC pilots go, nothing will be as bad to me as The Good Germany.  Then again, Throwing Stones (CBC: Original Pictures, 2009) is a show about amateur women curlers.  Co-creator/director Mario Azzopardi recently directed ZOS: Zone of Separation, so he and daughter Lara Azzopardi bring their experiences to the table.  The premise still sounds horrible, not to mention stereotypically Canadian.

Thankfully, Throwing Stones is leagues beyond The Good Germany.  The show actually makes the premise of a housewife curling team interesting, if only due to the show’s strong writing and storyline buildup.  The pilot goes through a few motions, feeling forced in parts, but Throwing Stones goes all out in transcending its shitty high concept.

The main draw here is a 62-year-old Patty Duke.  She’s a throwback to the days when a washed-up American name would appear in a Canadian film.  Then again, she’s won an Academy Award, three Emmys and a Golden Globe, so the woman knows acting like the back of her hand.  Oddly enough, Duke plays a Canadian, a strange bit of casting I still can’t figure out.

Duke plays Patti Thom, the feisty leader of an amateur curling team.  Patti’s team is made up of Shirley Campbell (Barbara Radecki), Annette Roi (Caroline Néron) and Cindy Boshyk (Stephanie Anne Mills).  Patti hits a car owned by Marge Merrick (Lolita Davidovich), an American Republican.  I can just see anti-CBC assholes going into epileptic fits at the mere mention of Merrick.

Luckily, even Marge is played against type, in that she has some depth and isn’t a walking parody of right-wing assholes.  She has two sons in Iraq and hates living in Manitoba, but Throwing Stones avoids making easy anti-American jokes.  She’s just a snob with a patronizing husband.

There is one scene where team ditz Cindy is abused by husband Glen Boshyk (Dan Petronijevic), who makes up for his indiscretion with kitchen countertop sex.  The scene is quite false in its execution, as if viewers need to know Cindy has a fucked-up life this early in the series.  Throwing Stones tries to do too much in its first twenty-two minutes, which might explain why it wasn’t picked up for the 2009-10 fall season.

Patty Duke and Caroline Néron are the two best actresses on the show.  Duke effortlessly commands attention, although her character dies midway through the episode.  Néron reminds me of a French-Canadian Kirstie Alley back when Alley wasn’t a weight-fluctuating Jenny Craig shill.

Star! personality Husein Madhavji is surprisingly good as Yasminder ‘The Rock’ Ramhan, announcer for a live curling podcast.  The casting smacks of a need to be culturally sensitive, but Madhavji makes his character work by shilling the on-ice “action” in a blatantly heavy Indian accent.  He steals every scene he’s in.

Throwing Stones isn’t bad for a pilot, especially considering the show was originally pitched as an hour-long drama.  Much worse shows have been given CBC prime-time berths, like An American in Canada and Rideau Hall.

Although Throwing Stones‘ pilot has its faults, there’s no reason to stall this show in pilot stage.  It actually makes curling watchable, something Men with Brooms couldn’t do.  Maybe CBC will commission the show for 2010-11 if Ron James’ show and/or Canada’s Super Speller stiff, and I just know one of those shows is going to die a horrible, fiery death.

The CBC has rarely, if ever, made government bureaucracy seem funny.  Not My Department, In Opposition and Rideau Hall left three craters in that field years ago.  The Good Germany (CBC: Frantic Films, 2008) has left a smaller crater than those nadirs of Canadian television, unless this show is/will become a regular series.  Either way, I don’t want to see this show ever again.

The town of Germany, Ontario is rather poorly run, but that fact is only established a few minutes into The Good Germany.  Without this bit of information, the title makes little sense since Germany isn’t the most evil place on Earth right now.  If the show was called The Good Toronto and set in Alberta, that would make more comedic sense.  Then again, it’s hard to ask much from a show that uses a Rita MacNeil fat joke in its first minute.

Jack Mackay is the town’s newly elected mayor, trying to fix former mayor Gordon Verlaine’s various messes.  A motley crew of incompetent councilpeople, including Verlaine, try to impede Mackay’s progress.  Wayne Robson and Chris Leavins are among the show’s castmembers, and they’re better than the material they’re given.

A scene in The Good Germany underlines how bad the show really is.  It’s based around an impotence joke – Jack Mackay has not been able to fill “ink in his pen” since his wife died, a phrase councillor/manchild Pete misinterprets.  A normal show would throw this joke away in four, five seconds, tops.  The Good Germany tries to flog the same joke for a minute’s worth of material, except that the buildup makes the bad joke worse.  Another scene has Pete failing to repeat a spittake he made earlier in the episode.  It’s one thing to tell bad jokes, but this show repeatedly extrapolates on them.  Amazing.

The subplots are eminently believable.  Toronto city liaison Ellen Tremblay is the spitting image of Mackay’s dead wife.  Was The Good Germany honestly trying to milk a whole season out of this implausibility?  There’s also the matter of Mackay’s son dating Verlaine’s daughter.

Mackay got on the cover of Maclean’s for saving an infant from a burning building, which led to his becoming mayor.  Mackay’s too perfect, Verlaine schemes ineffectually and the city councilpeople are one-note ciphers.  No wonder CBC didn’t give this show any fanfare.

Show creator/writer Garry Campbell has written for shows like Less Than Kind, Blue Collar TV, MADtv and The Kids in the Hall.  He was also a member of The Chumps, which as a comedy troupe had a CBC Radio program in the mid-1990s.  With a pedigree like Campbell’s, I can’t believe this is the best he can do.  If this show has more episodes than the pilot in the can, for the love of God, keep them in the can!