The Best of Scharpling and Wurster on the Best Show on WFMU, Volume 4: The Art of the Slap
Stereolaffs, 2007

I was a bit skeptical about Scharpling and Wurster’s The Art of the Slap when I first heard about it.  Tom Scharpling’s day job is as a writer/executive producer for Monk while Jon Wurster has involved himself with bands like Superchunk and the Mountain Goats.  Together they have contributed voices to Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Squidbillies (good) and have involved themselves heavily with Tom Goes to the Mayor (bad.)  Their pedigrees include a mix of the great and the forgettable.

Nowadays, I often reference Philly Boy Roy routines without knowing.  Scharpling and Wurster have that effect on people.

The type of comedy The Art of the Slap deals in is hard to pull off.  Considering the level of difficulty in trying to make the ridiculous believable, S&W acquit themselves very well.  This won’t be everyone’s type of comedy – hell, I didn’t even think it was that funny on first listen.  Still, S&W have taken the Simpsons/South Park tack of building an entire self-contained universe out of a volunteer show on famed freeform station WFMU.

Ten years after Jon Wurster pulled a prank on WFMU listeners by pretending to shill the worst music reference book ever (well, the worst fake music reference book ever), Scharpling and Wurster can make something outlandish easily seem like it’s happening right now.  They can mix a realistic, down-to-earth routine with robots and magic powers.  The joke is on the listeners for buying into all this even when they’re in on the joke.  It’s quite a proactive, dynamic paradigm – with zazz!

Caution: this contains spoilers.  Then again, if you’re familiar with Scharpling and Wurster and/or have gone to recidivism.org you would realize that I’m spoiling at most 5% of the routine.  S&W’s routines are just that involved – and long.

Disc One
Jock Squad (October 11, 2005) – That isn’t much of a premise, frankly.  A parody of Geek Squad but with jocks?  Way to aim high, S&W!  The standard Scharpling & Wurster buildup is established for the neophytes: the Jock Squad turn out to be ‘roid balloons, spending most of their time working out (sometimes with the computers they’re supposed to be fixing – the Jock Squad even shoot .mpgs of themselves destroying computers) and taking thirty minutes of their time each day to actually learn about computer repair.  Well, they don’t really learn about computer repair, but they tune up Scharpling’s computer by rinsing it out.  Scharpling has bodily harm threatened on him, setting up the denouement that listeners will be familiar with after listening to more than one S&W routine.  Kind of obvious, but “Jock Squad” does have its moments.

The Auteur (March 4, 2006) – “The Auteur” Trent L. Strauss defends his films (You’re Soaking in Her, Entrails 2: The Gouging, Face Peelers 1-4 and 6, The Hacksawist, Gut Bomb 2003) as morally uplifting, and then describes at length his latest opus The Tool Belt Killer.  He sells “Belty,” the rich son of the town’s mayor and Strauss’ apparent Mary Sue, as the hero of the film.  Somehow Viking strength, omelettes, a love interest and attempts at product placement feature into the film.  This is in every way better than “Jock Squad” – the premise is better, the opening relatively realistic (Scharpling argues against Hollywood being socially responsible, leading to Strauss’ defending it via the worst possible examples) and the buildup more bizarre overall.

The Tool Belt Killer, which seems to be The Driller Killer but more Lowe’s-centric, is something I’d like to see.  As with many S&W routines, it ends with the Jon Wurster character threatening Scharpling’s life.  How?  Watch the upcoming documentary Kill the DJ to find out.

Philly Boy Roy (July 11, 2006) – Philly Boy Roy is a recurring character within the S&W framework.  He appears often enough that it’s one of the most recognizable S&W routines – hell, PBR threatens to swallow 2007 where it stands.  This outing features the manipulative Roy Jr. convincing his father that he’s psychic, leading to PBR believing that he has switched bodies with his son.  His son then spends money on a mini-catamaran while PBR gets caught smoking while attending summer school.  PBR also wins the Running of the Cheesesteaks (“little people” ride four-wheelers and swing shellacked cheesesteaks at race participants), leading to PBR eating sixty-five pounds of his 200-pound cheesesteak prize in a day.

I’m not even going to explain the backstory behind Laser Allin.  Yes, there is mention of laser shows set to songs like “Expose Yourself to Kids,” “I Don’t Give a S***” (the lack of profanity on The Best Show is such that “S***” is actually pronounced “s”) and “Watch Me Kill.”  It all sounds so stupid, but the PBR guy is damn near endearing even when talking about GG Allin.  I can’t explain why someone who burned down a Quizno’s franchise is appealing to any degree, but he is and I’ll leave it at that.

Disc Two
Andy from Lake Newbridge (October 18, 2005) – Another relatively weak routine from S&W.  Andy from Lake Newbridge is a carp.  He talks shit about Aquaman, hinting that “Aquadouche” and Namor the Sub-Mariner are a thing.  Andy also crashes on Aquaman’s pad when Aquaman isn’t there.  Andy’s life is like a more literal version of Spongebob Squarepants, Andy fronting a band called The Hey Now and phoning through a headset.  One can just see the fish-based jokes in one’s head, and they’re prevalent here.  Scharpling actually ends the interview by picking a fight with Andy.  It’s not much of a sketch, but that seems to be the standard with the first track on both discs.

Tornado Todd (April 5, 2006) – “Wait…whuuut?” is one of the catchphrases familiar to Scharpling & Wurster routines.  It doesn’t sound like much, but you have to hear Jon Wurster say it.  Here he plays Tornado Todd Hutchins of non-profit organization LifeChanges.  Tornado Todd, who appeared on a previous edition of The Best Show, shills his line of products – Grand Theft Auto ripoff Pimp City (Todd is the voice of the rail-lovin’ ferret Pippin), dyed, scentless weed called Faux Nuggs and Tornado Todd’s Sorority Skank Patrol Volumes 1 through 17.

Tornado Todd, having survived being in a tornado with only minor injuries, has gone back to illicit business dealings.  At one point Hutchins blackmails Scharpling, Scharpling acting the part of Pimp City‘s Ving Rhames/Hulk Hogan gestalt Big Money under threat of his alleged “sick act” appearing in Tornado Todd’s Sickest Celebrity Sex Tape (guest panelists include Danny Bonaduce.)  It makes a nice change-up from the usual “Scharpling is dumbfounded by his callers” routine, although it ends in the usual “you gonna get killed” fashion.  This time, Scharpling faces the wrath of dismembering Siberian Yuri.  The best routine thus far on The Art of the Slap.

Postal Slap Fight (April 18, 2006) – The most outlandish routine on The Art of the Slap and one that veers off into many different directions.  Keith Garfinkle is the blackmailing nephew of United States Postmaster General Edmond T. Garfinkle (not the real Postmaster General, by the way – S&W routines aren’t supposed to be that realistic, after all.)

Garfinkle also steps into the nonagon for the Newbridge Redfaces of the Northeastern Slap Fight League, has won many Wayne Knight lookalike competitions and is very ill-informed.  He’s also seen President Baseball and ties that into why Dick Cheney (“Lon Chaney” to Keith Garfinkel) is being scouted by Major League Baseball.  Throwing that many disparate references into the routine shouldn’t work, but somehow it does and tops even Tornado Todd in its ridiculousness.  Surprisingly, Scharpling isn’t threatened with bodily harm here.

Bonus Disc
Mother 13…The First Rock Band on Mt. Everest! (May 2/9, 2006) – S&W refer to past routines a lot.  Mother 13 first appeared on a 2002 episode shilling their album on RCA and their appearance on the Earthlink/Pringles Summer Slam Jam.  Kern Pharmaceuticals, the makers of Summit Cola and a longtime Scharpling & Wurster running joke, have convinced Mother 13 to get back together and climb Mount Everest with assorted random music figures – the Polyphonic Spree, Buddy Guy, Art Alexakis of Everclear, Bruce Springsteen stalwart Clarence Clemons and blink-182′s Travis Barker.  Other assorted hangers-on include Trent L. Strauss and Darren Cook (better than his “brother” Dane Cook since Dane Cook is real and all.)  The objective is to play a concert at the summit of Everest, which Mother 13 lead singer Corey Harris gets ready for by climbing a rock-climbing wall drunk and doing a lot of situps.  He’s totally cut!

As expected, most of the people attempting the Mount Everest climb “die” – the Trent L. Strauss character somehow survives (although not on this CD set) and Corey Harris manages to tell the sordid details of his Mount Everest concert to Scharpling.

I found “Mother 13…The First Rock Band on Mt. Everest!” suspended disbelief to such a degree that it didn’t work comedically.  It’s “epic,” but the concept of having anyone climb a mountain with an entourage for a publicity stunt is too unbelievable even by S&W standards.  The two-part saga is overlong and it’s hard to believe any of the musicians mentioned in the routine would even bother to support a minor “new rock” band, never mind climb Mount Everest with them.  ”Mother 13…The First Rock Band on Mt. Everest!” has a good first half (the May 2 show), but that May 9 show just falls off a cliff.

Wait, I don’t mean that.  Uhh…Summit Cola roxx!  SOG?

Amazon.com does not currently list The Art of the Slap.  For more information about Scharpling and Wurster visit www.stereolaffs.com, Fotpedia and The Best Show playlists at WFMU.

Well, it’s that time again.  Since 2004 The UR Blog/URBMN has reviewed CBC Radio summer programming to the delight of…well, probably no one.  Longtime readers of mine, though, may have noticed how late I am in writing about the subject this year.  Simply put, I’m just not as interested in this summer’s programming as in previous summers.  I’ve accepted that CBC Radio One’s tastes just don’t jibe with mine, which is a shame as the network really is trying to improve itself lately.

This year there are at least two shows on the CBCR1 schedule (The Contrarians, So, You Think You’re Funny?) that sound truly interesting, but the CBC in general walks a fine line between the interesting and the inept.  I don’t care who’s on Freestyle – the format sucks and the show is just not good.  The One was an abject failure for both CBC and ABC, but at least George Stroumboulopoulos’ career remains intact.  Why is the CBC even airing kaiju films, anyway?  Wouldn’t it make more sense to air Godzilla films on an unaffiliated local channel, Drive-In Classics or CityTV?  Don’t even get me started on CBC’s increased reliance on Hockey Night in Canada – TSN has been picking at CBC Sports for some time and without Hockey Night in Canada CBC Sports would be crippled beyond repair, but how about trying to improve Hockey Night in Canada instead of relying on it to stand for the entire sports division?  Does anyone actually care about the Satellite Hot Stove?

It’s hard to be a CBC fan.  Hardcore fans will criticize the CBC when it tries to escape its niche, and whenever the network fails vehement critics will regularly take a strip off it for being a government-funded white elephant.  Maybe the problem really is with management.  The CBC hasn’t convinced me otherwise lately.  How can that network rely so much on George Stroumboulopoulos as a ratings draw?  The network is so incomprehensively weird in its programming strategies.

Socket
Season: first
Airs: Wednesday: 11:30 – noon/Saturday: 4:00 – 4:30 pm
How Radio One sells it: ‘Socket is a new show about the hottest new art makers in Canada. Whether it’s painters, sound and performance artists or the kids down the block who are re-making what we think of as art, Angela Antle will plug you into their innovative ideas.’

I despise this show with a passion.  The idea is good, but the execution…man, there’s nothing worse than hearing a story about an artist whose oeuvre revolves around Billy Bob Thornton and another story about an artist studying panties.  I know I’m not listening to Socket too objectively, but the show comes across as a half-hour wankfest.  If Socket‘s objective is to sell the listenership on the artist as down-to-earth and irreverent, it has failed.  Worse yet, Socket reaffirms the stereotype of postmodern artists as fairly unconvincing, self-insulated liars.  Maybe the show isn’t as bad as I feel it is – this episode at least sounds interesting – but it’s hard not to qualify my loathing for this show.  Maybe it’s because I’m helping build a house right now, but why do I need another reminder of the disconnect between my philosophy and CBC Radio One’s?  As soon as this show comes on, I change the channel to Classical 96.3 and never look back.

It’s nice that Definitely Not the Opera is cut down to a manageable two hours right now, but this isn’t much of a replacement for it.

Simply Seán
Season: second
Airs: Saturday: 10:00 – 11:00 am
How Radio One sells it: ‘One of our most popular hosts from last summer is back. Seán Cullen returns with more Saturday morning music and antics. His friends will drop by, he’ll play great tunes, he’ll offer summer survival tips and espouse his love for Canadian cheeses.’

I’ll give Simply Seán (is the accent a riff on The Colbert Report, by the way? Just wondering) credit, the show’s format is actually turning into something more than Seán Cullen playing stuff he likes.  There’s a man-on-the-street segment and Cullen’s periodically talking to his on-air staff is a plus.  If there’s one thing that bothers me about Simply Seán, it’s the way Seán Cullen links between songs.  He’ll play, just to give an example, The Strawberry Alarm Clock’s “Incense and Peppermints” and then go on about hippies taking the lyrics seriously.  That’s great, Cullen, you’re doing your stream-of-consciousness schtick on radio.  Now stop doing it so much.  At least he wins points for making fun of The Rheostatics’ bizarre song titles.

Without Cullen Simply Seán would be indistinguishable from any other music-oriented show on CBC Radio One.  Cullen’s carrying this format, to be sure, but he seems to be enjoying himself more this year and Simply Seán is strong enough as a show to do well on CBC Radio One’s fall schedule.  Still, Seán, playing The Strawberry Alarm Clock and not mentioning the Dick Clark-produced film that the band will forever be known for contributing to (1968′s Psych-Out)?  C’mon!  Warren’s freakin’ out at the gallery!

Subcultures
Season: first
Airs: Thursday: 9:30 – 10:00 am
How Radio One sells it: ‘Immerse yourself in the lifestyles of a growing number of people who find meaning in their lives by belonging to a subculture. From boxcar riders to crypto-zoologists, you’ll experience new ways to make human connections in a rapidly changing world with host and long-time subculture observer Hal Niedzviecki.’

To be honest, I thought this show was The Contrarians when I first heard it.  The Contrarians and Subcultures do share the same overall concept of highlighting the obscure, although The Contrarians seems to me like the infinitely better execution of said concept.  I’m not a Hal Niedzviecki fan – for some reason, I just can’t take seriously a man who rewrote Charlotte’s Web in fanzine style, no matter his other accomplishments – and the only episode of Subcultures I heard was about furries.

Subcultures was infinitely more objective in covering the nature of furry fandom than whatever MTV shits out about the subject, but the Internet has really killed the shock value of people who are obsessed about humanoid animals to a large degree.  There’s a huge difference between people who like drawing humanoid animals and the perversity of much of the furry community.  Frankly, the subject of furries bothers me to the extent that I can’t review Subcultures fairly at this point.  I don’t like Hal Niedzviecki’s lack of radio presence, but’s all I can say about Subcultures right now aside from the show being surprisingly dull. (no rating)

So, You Think You’re Funny?
Season: first
Airs: Thursday: 11:30 – noon/Friday: 7:30 – 8:00 pm
How Radio One sells it: ‘”So, You Think You’re Funny?” Wanna prove it? Belly up to the bar this summer with host Walter Rinaldi as he travels the country looking for new and emerging comedy talent. So, You Think You’re Funny? is a barroom variety show featuring stand up, musical comedy, sketch troupes, and anyone else who has “the goods” to get on stage and make Canada laugh.’

Not a bad outing for this show, actually.  As a comedy show, it’s above-average by CBC standards simply due to the fact that the comics covered on the show are fairly obscure and different from Russell Peters gurning on about his ethnicity.  Walter Rinaldi is amiable enough as host, and So, You Think You’re Funny? wisely keeps him in the background while highlighting local comedians and sketch troupes.  The show isn’t Comics!, of course, but So, You Think You’re Funny? is decent listening even when the comedians are as funny as leukemia.  So, You Think You’re Funny? is a simple idea, but sometimes the simple ideas work and it’s always nice to hear an “emerging talent” show on CBC Radio One that doesn’t have Lorne Elliott’s name attached to it.

As If
Season: first
Airs: Monday: 11:30 – noon
How Radio One sells it: ‘John Lagimodiere is a man on a mission. He’s a charismatic Métis journalist based in Saskatoon and he’ll spend the summer exploding myths, crushing stereotypes and shattering assumptions about life in this country. Think you’ve got it all figured out? As If! John will show you what his Canada is really like.’

Isn’t this show High Definition with a different host and concept?  It sure sounds like High Definition with a less engaging host (although John Lagimodiere isn’t bad, just that Don McKellar’s better) and Big Questions About Life as opposed to just Television.  High Definition having been yanked off the Radio One schedule rather suddenly earlier this year, As If seems like a weaker redux of the show.  It’s good that the Everything You Know Is Wrong concept is being used here, but the show I heard sounded like a bad episode of HBO’s Comedy Showcase with all that talk about sex and Getting Some.  Maybe I just heard a bad show.  Perhaps CBC Radio One is already ripping off its own recent concepts.  As If is better than listening to Shelagh Rogers, though, so that’s something going for it.

Will I do another one of these posts in the future?  As Tim McCarver said at the end of Not-So-Great Moments in Sports Take 3, “we’ll see.”  Not that Larry Merchant came out with a third sequel to his Not-So-Great Moments in Sports series, but that’s his problem, not mine.

In March, my Maxtor 40GB hard drive crashed and died.  I still don’t know why it crashed – either it blew out during a power outage or the hard drive was just corrupting itself on its own.  Whatever the reason for the crash, this is the first time I have lost data for any reason since 2001.  I managed to do a backup of important files before the hard drive decided to kill itself, but many files that I’ve had since 2001 are now gone.  You know what I was doing for six weeks?  Trying to find the cheapest way possible to fix my computer, running Scandisk for two weeks straight (and I mean twenty-four-hour straight here – I gave up after 10,000 bad clusters) and trying to bring my computer up to some sort of usability.  Hell, a few files I did back up just before the Maxtor flatlined were corrupted and wouldn’t copy from CD-ROM to hard disk.

This is the fun one has owning an AMD Athlon.  If I didn’t know any better, I’d say my computer’s rejecting parts.

In a way, losing my hard drive has caused me to rethink why I do a website in the first place.  Frankly, I have a love/hate relation to writing.  I’m not one of those “loves having written/hates writing” types, probably because I don’t seem to know who I’m writing for.  I send pitches to CBC radio shows, yet I hate the black hole tube of irrelevance CBC Radio is becoming.  I try not to be pigeonholed as “dumb,” yet that theme seems to pop up in my writing time and again.  I sell myself as a voice in the “pop culture” landscape, yet I despise it.  I’m a man of predictable dualities!

You have to admit that “pop culture” is a broad and limiting term.  The term is supposed to refer to popular culture as a whole, and at its best 1960s baroque music is on equal terms with 1930s science fiction and 1990s grindcore as grist for the mill.  Too often, though, “pop culture” is used as a cover for lazy writers to cover trends and/or contrive some sort of style guide out of things that are, after all, disparate.  Look at metal, for instance.  To some, it’s all bad, despite the fact that political grindcore is as different stylistically and aesthetically from Black Sabbath as Gang of Four is from crust punk.  Everyone pigeonholes groups of people to certain tastes – punk, metalhead, Mod, weirdo, resident hipster doofus, it’s a grand codification – but “pop culture” writing doesn’t usually focus beyond these tastes.  Arts writing has its share of bad articles and most of it is disposable, but “pop culture” shouldn’t be used as a catch-all excuse for bad writing and shoddy journalism.  To illustrate my point, here are the top ten things that drive me nuts about my sometime livelihood.

I’m sorry I’ve never learned how to write a decent segue.  Trust me, I’m trying to.

Certain members of the Toronto Star A&E writing staff
I like Rob Salem’s reverent yet critical approach to shows like Stargate SG-1 and the Adam West version of Batman.  That he was responsible for the cable channel Drive-In Classics just makes me respect Salem more.  I’ve grown accustomed to Ben Rayner and Jim Bawden.  Norm Wilner is one of the more critical and intelligent film reviewers in Canada.  Could someone tell me what is wrong with Malene Arpe, then?  Her articles are usually bereft of intelligence or insight (case in point: action stars aren’t like Sylvester Stallone or Arnold Schwarzenegger anymore, so here’s some generalizations and bad research to back up her point).  It’s her job to cover trends, but she tends to do nothing more than compile lists and wax poetic about the latest popular thing to hit television.  Vinay Menon and Raju Mudhar aren’t much better, either – it’s their job to find the trends and talk about television with a critical eye, not treat a national newspaper like some random blog.  All questions of bias aside, it amazes me that the Toronto Star can hire very good writers and absolute duffers at the same time.  It takes a special kind of paper to hire Greg Quill and pretend Rita Zekas’ gossip food column is actually worth reading.

By the way, if John Sakamoto doesn’t include at least one mashup in his “Anti-Hit List,” I know the world will end right then and there.

Bandwagons
I’ve never understood the nature of “making the rounds.”  Case in point: Jason Reitman’s Thank You For Smoking received at least a Maclean’s article and a piece on CBC News’ The National – no doubt it’s been well-covered by now in the media.  An anti-smoking (or anti-lobbying, depending on how one wants to spin it) film, especially one positing the notion that making smoking sexy in films causes people to smoke more, is not a daring target for satire.  Ignoring the fact that Jason Reitman’s father directed Ghostbusters and Twins, how is this film any different than a hundred other such films that are raved about at the Toronto International Film Festival and Sundance?  The film seems to have been mildly praised by mainstream critics, but the puff pieces about Jason Reitman should raise hackles.  He’s a young director, the son of a Hollywood icon and earmarked for “bright young thing” status.  He seems like the sort of man critics will turn on if Reitman doesn’t eventually live up to advance praise.

Think about it, how often in “pop culture” writing do things being reported on not have any connection to things happening right now?  I wouldn’t mind if stories like, say, aboriginal hip-hop were covered, but they tend to be covered within a certain time frame by a few media outlets.  If Lost is the big thing, people will cover Lost and talk about The Dharma Project as if it’s at all important.  That’s the nature of the business and every writer/blogger/what have you is caught up in the now at some time or other.  What gets me is how few media outlets tend to put out product that looks different from what’s out there.  How many times have things like Wolf Parade, Arcade Fire and Tom Cruise’s “insanity” not been heard or talked about lately?  Does anybody think about how embarrassing articles of that nature might look in five years?  Anyone remember electroclash?  The Beta Band?  How about One Minute Silence?  No?  I’ll leave you to your We Are Scientists and “Lazy Sunday”, then.

“Guilty pleasures”
I despise the thought of the guilty pleasure.  It says to me that someone likes something one isn’t “supposed” to like, and enjoys that something in spite of itself.  It’s a value judgment.  If a man likes horror films and erotica, he should come out and say it.  If you become ostracized by liking something that isn’t overly pornographic (let’s face it, shit porn isn’t socially acceptable for obvious reasons) but isn’t “accepted” by a certain group, you’re hanging around with a clique.  I’m not embarrassed to say that I like grindcore, bad horror films, wrestling and Doctor Who.  That doesn’t mean I’m a geek, and it certainly doesn’t bother me to be fond of those things.

Does that mean I’m going to be shunned by in-crowds?  Of course it does, and I don’t care.  What am I supposed to do, pretend I like Todd Solondz films and Death Cab For Cutie?  How does taste have anything to do with what sort of a person I am?  I like what I like, and I don’t want friendships to hinge on Seinfeld episode premises.  How can I date someone who doesn’t like Plan 9 From Outer Space, anyway?

Catchphrases
I don’t think phrases like “worst thing in the history of forever” or “makes the baby Jesus cry” automatically make articles unreadable, of course.  I can take a stab that the articles aren’t going to be any good once I see said phrases, though.  This has nothing to do with pop culture, I’m aware, but those phrases have become Internet euphemisms and deserve to be buried in the same grave as “France Surrenders” and “All your base belong to us.”  Yakov Smirnoff catchphrases aren’t any better when IRONY USES YOU.

Complaining that “indie bands” don’t get any respect in the mainstream
I remember when Pavement were considered of those “sleeper bands” that weren’t as successful as other bands of their day.  Granted, magazines and alternative outlets talked about Pavement constantly, which never made sense to me.  Recently I saw articles in the Canadian press – Ben Rayner wrote one such article – that would have liked to see less Nickelback and more Arcade Fire.  The articles were meaningless, of course, considering how popular Arcade Fire are and how much those names are bandied about by reviewers like Rayner.  I cannot see how a band like Guided By Voices is obscure if it’s talked about consistently by the mainstream press.  What do people like that expect?  If a bigger mass of people are going to get into bands like Arcade Fire, they’re not going to start jumping on the bandwagon because some music reviewer rubbishes a currently popular band, wondering why middle America isn’t jacking to the sound of the underground.  Middle America’s more interested in Kelly Clarkson…

Using popular yet critically-despised bands as shorthand for “shit”
…and Kelly Clarkson sucks, after all!  I absolutely despise the use of bands like Boston or Clay Aiken (any American Idol winner will do, really) as yardsticks for unhipness.  I remember an article, I forget where from, that intimated in detail how the writer was seen as weird because he was more interested in The Velvet Underground than The Steve Miller Band.  The inference is simple – The Steve Miller Band is shit, VU not.  The Knack, disco, and Metallica have also been used famously as the bane of all music.  I don’t care if someone doesn’t like Mariah Carey, and I think she’s as subtle as a jackhammer.  There’s a difference between not liking Carey and doing a CBC Radio piece about trying to scientifically prove her shit.  The piece may be tongue-in-cheek, but it comes across as so intellectually vacuous it makes for bad radio.

So Huey Lewis and the News is “corporate rock.”  I’m sure Huey Lewis could give a damn while he’s cashing his royalty cheques.

Xenophobia
I think every A&E columnist, music reviewer and writer is guilty of this at one time or another.  An Aaron Brophy review in Chart (of the French dance band Demon) began with the proclamation that the French eat snails and goose poo.  A sidebar to a March 1998 Spin article about Daft Punk, and this is going back a ways, went on about how French rock usually sucks.  Andrew Beaujon claimed Indochine’s song “L’aventurier” was based on a renamed variant of Indiana Jones.  Never mind that Bob Moran predates Indiana Jones by three decades, we have to rubbish a rapping baby and Noir Desir!  There are a lot of credible things to hate France for – its recent race riots, testing nuclear bombs in open waters, Arthur Rimbaud – but the writers have to fall back on “ha ha, the frogs have no taste in anything.”  I bet they eat babies and drink pee, too.

What’s the point in writing that shit in a review, anyway?  Rex Reed famously wrote a review of Oldboy in the New York Observer that hinged on similar “those Koreans have no taste” jokes.  Whether that’s tongue-in-cheek or not, it has nothing to do with the review in question.  It has nothing to do with the job one is supposed to be doing, and is the hallmark of lazy writing.  Again, we’re all guilty of it to some point – writers tend to filter things through their own belief systems and prejudices – but professional writers should be above Dickey Bit routines.  Botched attempts at character assassination make writers look worse than what they’re trying to rubbish in the first place, after all.

CBC Radio
I know I harp on this constantly, and I won’t go into details here.  I know the network can do better than Freestyle or Radio 3 when it wants to.  Most CBC Radio shows are rather bad, aren’t they?  It’s not just management’s fault that standards are bad there – it’s everyone’s for letting those standards slide in the first place.  I can’t be the only one who finds Sook-Yin Lee dense, now.

“Cheesy, campy, classy”
Another set of terms that are as bad as the “guilty pleasures” mentioned above.  If you’re so embarrassed to have certain tastes that you need to codify them into nice little camps, why are you feeding them, and why are you so self-important that I should care how you like monster truck rallies ironically?  Not that certain things shouldn’t go into museums as standard-bearers of art, but take the bug out of your ass!  More than twenty-five years on, Gary Numan’s “M.E.” seems less dated than the four-year-old Basement Jaxx song that sampled it, don’t you think?

That’s just MY OPINION, though.  Take it for what it is, about as unimportant as everyone else’s – and yours.

Taking this “pop culture” thing too seriously
Quoting Santa Claus from Robert Smigel’s The Narrator That Ruined Christmas:

It’s not about you, douchebag.  No one needs your self-important grandstanding.  Don’t you see?  You show biz types are just trying to shift the focus away from the crisis and onto yourselves.  You’re an entertainer.  It’s a simple job, okay?  Do a dance, show us your boobs, and make us happy, monkey.

It might not be the best quote to end a diatribe on, but at least Robert Smigel makes me happy.  What have you done for me lately?

Rottrevore is an Indonesian record company and metal webzine that has existed since the late 1990s.  When the site came up with its first issue…well, let me explain.  I was trying to establish myself in the metal webzine world in 1999-2000 by fishing for e-mail addresses and band contacts.  It took me until mid-2003 to realize that spamming bands is a terrible way to procure review material.  I still read a few music sites and try to immerse myself in the metal scene as a contributor to Unrestrained!, but back in my formative years (essentially everything I did until 2003) I used to read a lot of metal webzines.  I know, “fanzines are shit,” that’s the retarded generalization some people use.  Those people are even more stunted intellectually than I am.

Rottrevore #1, essentially a page of reviews and an interview, was the worst attempt at a webzine that I’d ever seen.  It still is, really – blood bars and sites done entirely in Netscape Composer aren’t de rigueur these days, not when there’s Adobe Photoshop and Macromedia Dreamweaver to pirate and half of America has high-speed Internet.  Rottrevore has improved greatly and actually become respectable these days, but the early days of the Internet saw some frankly horrid writing and site design.  Everyone who had an opinion, a computer and a Geocities account could start a webzine, and that’s what the underground metal site world pretty much was in those days.

Even for the standards of the time, though, Rottrevore was shit.  I’m not picking on Indonesians, but some of the most horrible attempts at promoting the metal scene on the Internet came (still come?) from that country.  People familiar with sites like Atifah Netzine might understand what I’m talking about.  For those that don’t, here are some reviews from the first, FortuneCity-hosted Rottrevore.

FORGOTTEN – OBSESI MATI promo 1999
More sick and more,more,more,more and more !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This extreme death/grind concept and destructive has bring them to create second full lenght under two lables
on April 1999.Their line up is perfectly enough to kill your girlfriend and give the meet to dogs.This promo contains of two dangerous songs so much hateful energy that even
an angel must be like to kill………
for more info/interview click here

There is nothing funnier than the opening tirade to this review.  When I read this site in 2000, I laughed at that “More sick and more,more,more,more and more !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” line for at least five minutes.  In 2006, I still laugh at that line for more than five minutes.  It is the worst line to ever appear in a music review.  Indonesian sites are (or were, I don’t know how much death metal and/or its fans have improved over there – at least Rottrevore has) written in the worst English allowable by law.  This was bad even for the relaxed grammar of Indonesian metal sites back then.  Frankly, there’s no way reviews could be worse than this, as evinced by the fact that I haven’t found a site worse than what Rottrevore started out as.

That’s a good thing, by the way.  That doesn’t mean I don’t come face to BLOODY ROTTING SKULL with bad English and “HAIL SETAN”-isms to this day.  It’s a willfully stupid music genre, this “metal.”

BRUTAL CORPSE – FUCKED BY MAGGOTS SKULL!!!!
Quite extreme,sadist,high voltage…………..
BRUTAL CORPSE has won over the most ultra high of Death metal enthusiast with excited tempo and powerful phenomenal drumworks.
Check out “Resurrection”,”suicide”,”Out of normallity” are their no speed limits.Born from DEATHVOMIT city has losed all bands before them.
This is agrressive force!!!!!!!!!Yeahhhhhh….god give me nothing!!!!
contact : Anggeng
APIKRI
Jl.menukan 10
Yogyakarta 55153
Indonesia

I love the interjections coming from the Rottrevore writer.  There’s the usual “this is brutal” and “God sucks” patter, written so poorly as to be comedy classics.  Considering this is from an Asian source, I wonder which god the writer’s talking about.  It might be the Christian God, it might be a Hindu god or it might be a piece of sidewalk.  Whatever God is being talked about must obviously suck, of course – you know, metal kayfabe.  FUCK YOU, GENERIC GODLIKE BEING!  HAIL GENERIC POLAR OPPOSITE!

I will admit there are some lucid words in this review, but those words are limited to “powerful phenomenal drumworks.”  The rest is all broken English and cliché.

For years, I thought Brutal Corpse’s album title included the word “skull!!!!”  It turns out that whatever browser I was using (I was an early user of Opera until the browser started crashing every five seconds) didn’t recognize the blink tag.  Yes, I included the blink tag in this article to recreate the true Rottrevore experience.  I didn’t include the blood bar, though.  Those things are always dire.

DELIRIUM TREMENS – DEMOSYNDROME
One of the most brutal “high class” death band in Jakarta has already prove theirself to spread their sickness and wild to exterminate things as far as we can see
Blasting drums,intense riffs guitars make your ears bleed.
It put DELIRIUM TREMENS is one of incredible band in Indonesia,you must enjoy this bloody brutal death gore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
contact : Jolly
Jl. Kramat Lontar VI/j 141
Jakarta 10440
Indonesia

I MUST ENJOY THIS BLOODY BRUTAL DEATH GORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  MORE SICK AND MORE,MORE,MORE,MORE AND MORE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YEAHHHHHH….GOD GIVE ME NOTHING!!!!  I know Indonesia isn’t nearly as developed a country as Canada.  Still, even factoring in Australasian enthusiasm for metal and grindcore, I’m surprised no one was embarrassed putting that on the Internet.  A “high class” gore band?  Aren’t the terms “gore” and “high class” mutually exclusive?  At least the Rottrevore writer describes what Delirium Tremens do, so that’s a plus.

Funnily, I don’t think any of the bands reviewed by Rottrevore managed to break out of their local scenes, not that being local is in any way a bad thing.  I somehow always manage to confuse this band with the Swedish label of the same name.  Considering most Indonesian bands are anathema to a lot of the civilized world I don’t think Delirium Tremens have much of a name on the world stage.  Hell, they may have broken up four years ago.  I don’t follow the Indonesian metal scene that closely.

IMPIOUS – ELEVATION OF THE CROSS
Contain six songs brutal grind showing the drummers power which is unbelievable,very very fast than
even FERRARY will think before it act!”stamping on holy cross”and “rotten smell” as prove.
Horrific vocals from IMPIOUS is enough to kill your mama!!!!!
Dave from LIVIDITY must be aggree about that.
contact : IMPIOUS
Jl.jeruk no.62 B BINTARO
Pesanggarahan Jakarta Selatan 12320
Indonesia

One thing that’s notable about the Indonesian death metal and grindcore scenes is that bands employ very fast drummers.  Those Indonesians love speed.  Still, who is this Ferrary?  Is he/she/it one of those transforming robot cars from Space Thunder Kids or just some random Indonesian?  Whatever Ferrary is, he/she/it better think before rushing headlong into brutal grind.

I learned a lot from this review.  A member of an underground American death metal band must agree that Impious’ vocalist can kill mothers with sound, for instance.  The drummer’s power is unbelievable, too.  Songs like “Rotten Smell” and “Stamping on Holy Cross” prove it!  This is in no way a badly worded review!  How could something from FortuneCity be crap, anyway?  I suck!

CORPORATION OF BLEEDING – BLOOD FEAST SKULL!!!!
COB is brutal gore influenced by CANNIBAL CORPSE,just hear the hammer-on technic guitars,and half of
CRYPTOPSY (godz!)
High speed running tempo,arise from Jakarta.This is fucking sick album!intense riffs,growl vocals
clench hands into fists,it make grinding our teeth!
contact : Porry
Jl.kamboja II no.14
Rawamangun jakarta 13220
Indonesia

Somewhere in that morass of improper sentence structure and descriptors can be found what needs to be known about Corporation of Bleeding (dumb name for a band, but this is Indonesia.)  They sound like Cryptopsy, have Cannibal Corpse-like lyrics, and are high-tempo.  Why not just say that instead of writing this stream-of-consciousness shit?

I was going to make a cheap joke about technical guitars being hit with hammers, but the review’s so nondescript that it’s just not worth the bother.  I might complain about bad metal bands, the metal scene’s celebration of its own ignorance and/or band names like I Shit On Your Face.  I can’t remember any metal sites on the web that were or all poorer overall than original Rottrevore, and I’ve been following this shit since 1999.  It’s a good thing Rottrevore improved, because I can’t really see how the site could get worse.

I’m sure I’ve offended some metal fans by writing this article.  If me making fun of half-assed reviews is enough for you to tell me off for doing so, please get a hobby.  Alternatively, drink some cyanide.  Do some of you anal-retentive types even know how to smile?  I know it’s not kvlt, but just try.

I subscribe to a lot of mailing lists.  I do this because, at heart, I am part of the entertainment business – well, I pretend to be.  I’m about five steps away from having no life at all, so I need to keep myself occupied with something.

One of the lists I subscribe to is the Scratch Records mailing list.  The company seems to do very well with its distribution arm, but its store…the store is a maze of press releases.  Independent bands/labels there tend to sell themselves with more hyperbole than a mortal can stand.  Also, the prices at Scratch can be awfully expensive and I’m not that rich or easily led a music fan.  I’m not trying to bash Scratch Records, but it seems the term “judicious editing” has never crossed the newsletter editor’s head there.  Am I wrong?  Take a look at selections from recent newsletters and TELL me I’m wrong.

UNDER PRESSURE-s/t  CD (Primitive Air Raid/PAR002) $10.50
Successive waves of tough guy metal dogshit and content-free straight edge pablum have rendered hardcore a dirty word for most discriminating 21st century music fans, but Canada has been at the forefront of the genre’s recent revitalization through such real-deal outfits as Fucked Up, Inepsy and Career Suicide. Winnipeg’s Under Pressure are set to continue this welcome trend with their newest effort, an eight-song ripper of quick, raw hardcore inspired by Poison Idea, Black Flag and Motorhead, delivered with smarts, chops and energy to burn.

What a bunch of overwritten ad copy.  Essentially, this bit of purple prose can be boiled down to its “FUCK THAT METAL/SXE BULLSHIT!  THIS IS HARD…TO THE CORE” lowest common denominator.  Is it good that I can recognize one of three local Canadian band names being dropped here?  Since when was Motörhead considered hardcore, by the way?  Makes sense to reference a speed metal band when talking about how old-school hardcore you are.  I know when I write a comedy script, I always study shows like Mannix and Baretta just to get that comic timing down.

Frankly, this reads like a grindcore band’s bio.  If Under Pressure aren’t grind, I’ll eat my hat.  At least the CD is “budget priced” for those bargain hunters.  Never mind that $10 is the maximum I’d ever pay for a CD – how can I pass up something that sounds like Inepsy or Fucked Up?  Could you?

NICK CAVE & THE BAD SEEDS-The Good Son  CD (Mute/8417832) $32.99
We can’t get the cheaper Mushroom pressing any more, so we bring you this more expensive Holland import of Nick’s fine 1990 album.

NICK CAVE-The First Born Is Dead  CD (Mute/8417872) $22.50
Replaces the previous Mushroom version, but no change in price. From 1985, hear Nick sing the blues.

There is no reason to pay $32.99, even in Canadian dollars (seriously, the dollar’s been worth >$0.80 US lately, enough of the Canadian Tire jokes) for an import copy of a Nick Cave album.  I can’t believe people will accept paying more than $20 for something because it’s a limited edition or because it’s an import.  I can understand why imports are more expensive, but good lord!  I can buy seven used CDs for that price, and possibly those old Nick Cave releases Scratch Records is talking about!  How is this cheaper than my local record store or Music World?  The last time I paid $30 for a CD was when I bought an “import” version of Atari Teenage Riot’s Burn, Berlin, Burn!…IN 1997.  Now that I’ve said this, of course, Nick Cave fans are going to berate me for having bad musical tastes and I’ll continue to be shunned until I develop the mental illness of being a hipster.

THE USED-I Caught Fire  CDEP (Reprise/9362428872) $8.50
Kelly Osbourne’s grubby and unbearable ex-boyfriend returns with several anthems for the delusional youth. Tracklisting: 1. I Caught Fire
2. The Taste Of Ink (Live) (From Channel V – Australia) 3. All That I’ve Got (Acoustic Version) 4. Lunacy Fringe (Acoustic Version)  5. Alone This Holiday (Non-album Track) “It’s clear The Used know who they are now; they’ve found their voice. They are plainly aware of their position in the music world today, and it feels good. They’ve delivered the record their fans have been asking for- one that places them squarely on the top of a genre they’ve helped create”. That genre must be Nu Bad Music.

THE STROKES-Juicebox  CDEP (RCA/82876759722) $8.50
It took three albums for these turds to sing U2 [and The Cult/Doors] overtop of the Batman Theme. Ew. [Really, this may well be the single worst song ever]. The second track, “Hawaii”, is much better. Tracklisting: 1. Juicebox 2. Hawaii 3. Juicebox (Live In Rio De Janeiro, Brazil) 4. Juicebox (Video – Director’s Cut)

Why the hell would a record store based entirely on appealing to a specialized audience sell albums it hates like this?  What’s the point?  I know the music industry exists purely to make money, and independent record stores do that by wrapping themselves in friendly, trend-conscious images.  Even so, who’s going to buy something from a retailer that points out how much the album it’s selling sucks?  Is that good business?  Couldn’t the Scratch Records employee responsible for writing these album descriptions just list the album without the “don’t buy this” spiel underneath?  Frankly, if people want to buy The Used’s new EP, they will regardless of what anyone else says.  Maybe this is a Vancouver thing and I just don’t understand.

FUN 100-Hit It & Quit  CD (Hockey Dad/HDR10) $10.99  
With “dance-punk” now a household word and Gang of Four crowding everyone’s “Favourite Band” list on MySpace, it is quite obvious that punk rock has nearly lost its fun side. Indeed, it seems that the heyday of mindless punk rock occurred when most of us were too young to buy clove cigarettes or Pabst Blue Ribbon. Enter Fun 100, five dudes who understand that punk without the pop is like dad without his minivan –it’s not taking you anywhere! Rocking out in church basements, public washrooms, houses, and sometimes even real venues, Fun 100 has been the pulse of the teenage heartbeat for the past four years. These guys are the real deal, their bedrooms ordained with hockey trophies, dirty laundry, and a whole lotta records. Adding synthesizers and a whole bunch of attitude, the band has picked up where the best pop-punk left off. Hit It & Quit, the group’s debut full-length, showcases the group’s superior song-writing and high-octane style. From the anthemic group chorus of “Hot Popular Girl” to the dance-inducing new wave of “Computer,” the record is a surefire instant classic. Look out for Fun 100 on tour for the better part of 2006. “Pure teenage zit rawk angst!” Nardwaur the Human Serviette  “Fun100 was headlining—they’re fucking amazing and still so young. Their songs are fast and filled with incredible things. They’re the Ramones and they’re the Exploding Hearts and they’re Blink 182 when you admit that yeah ok, sometimes pop-punk isn’t so bad… those little Abbotsford boys really know how to get the party started.” Terminal City  “True to their name, Abbotsford’s new wave pop-punkers Fun100 were a hell of a lot of fun to watch. Their ‘Computer’ song is about as danceable as they get and bonus points to the lead singer for wearing the same Mario Lemieux t-shirt that a friend of mine had in grade 7.” Only Magazine

Translation: it’s new new wave, and some people you’re supposed to like think Fun100 is tits.  At least the CD is $11, which is sensible enough.  I don’t know if Scratch Records or the distributed bands/labels set the prices, but punk and metal bands usually seem to understand the concept of “value.”

Well, some black metal bands are too in love with selling “limited edition pressings” of their latest missives for $30.  Is it really that clever to use “only 666 copies pressed” as a marketing ploy?  Does the average underground metal band actually sell 666 copies of anything?  I’m not being flippant – the sheer number of bands ripping off Carcass and Impetigo would worry even the most cretinous grindcore fan.

V/A-COMEDY BREAKS  LP (Filthstyle/FIL001) $17.50  
“Do you need a hook for your next song or need a solid diss for your next opponent in a DJ battle? If so, then this is the break record for you. Comedy Breaks features voice samples from Eddie Griffin, Richard Pryor, Rodney Dangerfield, Eddie Murphy and Dave Chappelle that will appeal to any producer, DJ or human with a sense of humor! The LP is packed with intros, outros, insults, skits about cops, women, racism, sound effects and more. A sure album for today’s creative music artist.”

I don’t understand why this is necessary.  I’m sure better thrift stores and charity shops have whole Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy albums for fifty cents or so, though they might not be easy to find and the albums are often in pisspoor shape.  Still, it’s more economical than paying almost twenty dollars to find out what the five fingers said to the face.

Richard Pryor made his own drugs.  May he rest in peace, and be remembered for more than saying “nigger” every fifth word in the process.

THE PINKY VIOLENCE COLLECTION  4DVD (Panik House) $99.99
Much anticipated collection of early 70’s Japanese exploitation gems. “Female bikers! Gang violence! Catfights!” are the promise to be delivered by these remastered, fully restored, uncut versions of DELINQUENT GIRL BOSS: WORTHLESS TO CONFESS / GIRL BOSS CUERILLA / TERRIFYING GIRLS’ HIGH SCHOOL: LYNCH LAW CLASSROOM / CRIMINAL WOMAN: KILLING MELODY. Extras include audio commentaries for each, trailers for each, actress and director bios, poster & still galleries, boxset bonus CD of Reiko Ike, and a 24 page booklet written by Chris D.
http://www.panikhouse.com/

I received this as a promo.  Either I’m extremely lucky or there’s no way that the 4-DVD set is actually worth $100.  Wow.  Frankly, this is why people go to DeepDiscountDVD and other discount DVD sites.  I tend to go the press route on some things, because there’s no way I can afford to be a film buff otherwise – I mean, Panik House releases some good stuff, but $100?  $40-60, possibly, but there is no way people are going to pay $25-30 for one DVD in 2005.  DVDs in cardboard slipcovers sell for a dollar, for crying out loud!

PART CHIMP-I Am Come  CD (Monitor/MON027) $15.99  
“Volume. It goes to eleven. Sure. Bleeding ear drums. Sure. But the use of volume is not a gimmick for Part Chimp. Volume and amps maxed out is needed to reach the sounds and feelings that ended up on their second LP I Am Come. Nearly becoming complete tape scramble, Part Chimp takes volume to the clipping point. After displaying their near ear drum bursting levels on their first LP Chart Pimp, Part Chimp have refined their sound, maintaining the walls of distortion, yet adding more hooks and harmony. The word evolution could be used here, but without being punny, let’s say Part Chimp have developed, but the inner ape is still with them. If Part Chimp’s debut was crusty punk fueled by an Ampthetamine Reptile crunch, then I Am Come is a highly refined offering, standing alongside distortion dwellers such as My Bloody Valentine, Sonic Youth, and Sunn0))). Recorded and mixed deep in the red by John Cummings of Mogwai, I Am Come is an unbelievable mix of dynamics, harmony, and dissonance.”

SO WHAT YOU’RE SAYING IS PART CHIMP ARE LOUD?!  I’M SORRY, I COULDN’T HEAR YOU!  MY EARDRUMS ARE BLEEDING THROUGH MY BRAIN, THEY’RE THAT LOUD!  I HAVE I MIGHT BRAIN THINK DAMAGE!

I’ve always considered Sunn O))) to be one of the stupidest names I’ve ever seen in metal.  How am I supposed to pronounce O))), anyway?  I know, the band’s name is pronounced “sun.”  The O))) is not pronounced and the band appropriates the name and logo of an amplifier brand, that’s not the point.  It looks ungainly in print.  Some people use a zero (0) for the circle, others use an upper-case O.  Some use three )’s after the circle, others two or four (five if the particular music scribe is demented.)  Sunn O))) are well-loved by people and they have a sizable fanbase, but the name is just one step up from Frantic Bleep.  I’m not kidding.

HAEMOTH-Kontamination  CD (Southern Lord/SUNN47.5) $16.50  IN MONDAY  
“[T]he brand new fithy, sickening burnt offering from the French Black Metal Underground terrorists: Haemoth. Brittle trance inducing cold blast of black metal with a lethal injection of extremely killer riffs. First official USA release ever. CD is limited to 2,000 hand numbered copies. Haemoth support all that can contribute to the ruin of the human being, every form of vice, and don’t give a fuck to the means used top reach that point. Any form of vice, destruction and hate have to be preached. Haemoth encourages every act, physical or spiritual which could carry to the decline, blasphemy or pain. To become one with Him, the interior death is inevitable. the weak ones don’t have their place here. May they burn in hell…”

Yeah, yeah, yeah.  This black metal band hates everyone, Satan is God, the clichés all familiar and cozy like a bed of nails.  Frankly, it’s better when black metal bands go WAY OVER THE TOP, because…well, I’ve never understood the appeal of black metal and why people take what any musician says seriously.  Note the limited amount of copies.  Not overshooting your press run is kult.  I’m going to masturbate in front of your hogtied mom now while sacrificing a goat with a sword made of skulls and pure chocolate FOR SATAN, because I’m kult.  And evil.  Buy my album.  I’m not trying too hard to offend you, really.

I swear, most black metal albums are backstory first, image second, musicianship waaaaay in the back.  It’s why I can never take extreme metal too seriously.  I think I’d be mentally retarded if I did.

THE INVISIBLE EYES-Laugh In The Dark  CD (Bomp/BCD4096-) $15.50  
“Take heed! Here be music for troglodytes and spacemen, monks, drunkards and sophisticated hip shakers alike. Primordial fuzz and reverberous caterwaul teetering on the precipice. New hymns by new primitives. A laugh in the dark, a shot in the arm and a kick in the ass. You can’t hold it in your hand, but it feels pretty good nonetheless. The twang and the thump, the rumble and the wail; the hypnotic sound of things breaking, oscillating and coming apart. There goes Bo and the Duchess in a whirling vortex of feedback held together with duct tape and safety pins. Somewhere over yonder a lonesome organ plays a hauntingly familiar tune while a tambourine can’t stop shaking. “Just what the world needs to hear,” said Greg Shaw.”

So…what sort of music do The Invisible Eyes play?  I hate these long, meandering bios.  They say absolutely nothing, yet make out like they’ve revealed a profundity that only gods would be able to see.  I’d like to know what a certain band plays, what neat genre I can file the band under, and what I should expect from an album.  This seems to be an indie rock album, so why can’t the label say so?  Greg Shaw, Bo and the Duchess might like this album.  Since when do they speak for ME?

Frankly, if Scratch Records doesn’t kick me off its mailing list after this, I’ll be pleasantly surprised.  Those wacky Vancouverites and their expensive tastes, they’re adorable.

This article stiffed when it made its Blogcritics debut.  That’s the problem with writing for a big site like Blogcritics.org – the music version of MY List of Lists (the ‘my’ is in upper-case for a reason, which is totally lost on Blogcritics editors) did reasonably well despite me not having a good feeling about it.  I thought the television version would do just as well and it died on its ass.  You know what the article needed?  More insults directed at local Southern towns.  Anyhow, to those backwards hicks in Atlanta, Georgia, TBS IS GAY!  TURNER BROADCASTING SYSTEM?  MORE LIKE TURNER BUTTREAMING SYSTEM LOL AM I RITE

Great.  Now Robert Novak is going to e-punch me.

SHOW THAT HASN’T DEBUTED AND STILL LOOKS LIKE IT COULD DAMN NEAR SAVE NBC: Deal or No Deal‘s rules are a bit convoluted, to say the least.  Deal or No Deal looks like Endemol USA threw Jackpot, $ale of the Century and Let’s Make a Deal into a bran tub and added in some nonsense backstory whenever the need arose.  Still, the UK version of Deal or No Deal is killing all its competitors in the ratings.  Hell, even with Howie Mandel hosting, it looks like NBC just stumbled onto a winner.

Still…Howie Mandel?  Donny Osmond did well on Pyramid and Richard Karn made Family Feud watchable again, but this is just taking the piss.  No one thought Billie Piper could act, either.  It’s funny how second careers work.  I still would have preferred Peter Tomarken.

SHOW THAT’S DRAGGING NBC DOWN BY BEING ON WAY, WAY TOO LONG: Where should I start?  Is there a continual need for ER?  Has Will & Grace ever been funny?  What the hell happened to Saturday Night Live that it’s become more unwatchable than MadTV?  Why tease people by announcing that Jay Leno is going to stay on The Tonight Show until 2009 when Leno and Conan O’Brien are unfunny now?  (Oh, I’m sorry, did I step on a sacred cow?  I’ve tried to watch O’Brien recently, but the show just isn’t that funny to me.  Coked-Up Werewolf fans will now tell me how I’m homosexual.)  Should The West Wing even be on anymore, considering the creators abandoned the show a few years ago?  Kill a few of those Law & Orders, too.  Slash and burn, NBC, slash and burn.

COMEBACK THAT I CAN VOUCH FOR: The Simpsons.  I’m admittedly a fan, and others think the show has become death.  Still, no show on its seventeenth season should be doing as well as The Simpsons.  The show has finally become comfortable in its pacing as Al Jean seems to have perfected the show’s current formula – The Simpsons is more political, respectful of its past, and has rediscovered the joy of an Albert Brooks voiceover.  The Simpsons isn’t trying to be Family Guy redux like in the Mike Scully “era,” and the show has stopped trying way too hard to relive a past it can’t possibly duplicate.  Sure, The Simpsons makes a dumb continuity error or two these days (uh, Homer never went to college?  I guess Scratchy never finally killed Itchy, then), and it’ll never be what it was.  No show could ever be what The Simpsons was, but it looks like the writers are writing better scripts to justify Dan Castellaneta’s ridiculous salary.  Expand my brain, learning juice!

COMEBACK THAT DIED ON ITS ARSE: Family Guy has become this decade’s Ren & Stimpy.  It’s nice to see that Seth MacFarlane’s prodigal son returned to Fox, but lately MacFarlane’s been letting spitefulness run his product.  We get it, MacFarlane, Fox censored the show way too much.  That does not to any degree explain the inane feud Family Guy has with The Simpsons.  It doesn’t explain why random characters (usually Peter) are in a naked scene more often than absolutely necessary.  Hell, if Family Guy‘s going to show Brian having sex with a woman eventually, at least say that Brian’s father is the puppy mill owner or something.  Alternatively, how about not including any more allusions to bestiality and pedophilia ever again?  I’m not a prude, but do the staff writers think any off-colour joke they can get away with is automatically funny by the joke’s being?  Maybe I have FULL-BLOWN AIDS.

I still think Family Guy is funny (and I do watch American Dad regularly, so I really shouldn’t complain about anything Seth MacFarlane does), but the show has become louder, cruder and more surreal than Mike Scully’s run on The Simpsons.  MacFarlane has the talent, but he’s become John Kricfalusi redux in that he thinks louder, cruder and more sexually explicit is the way for Family Guy to go.  It isn’t, but does he know it?  Family Guy became a hit because of the show’s endearing randomness, but there’s a limit to how far it should go.

Ren & Stimpy Adult Party Cartoon proved to the world how much of a disturbed individual John Kricfalusi had become by 2003.  I don’t want to see Seth MacFarlane become another Kricfalusi.  The world doesn’t even need one Kricfalusi at this point.

LONG-RUNNING SHOW WITH THE BRIGHTEST FUTURE: The Doctor Who revival just recently found a home on American television, but CBC showed Doctor Who shortly after it debuted in the UK (no surprise, since CBC funds the show.)  Oh, “new” Doctor Who looked dire in development – Billie Piper acting, a Big Brother parody being the focus of one of the episodes, Russell T. Davies helming the metaphorical TARDIS.  It’s the weirdest thing, though – Billie Piper can act well, and the Big Brother parody turned out to be one of the strongest episodes of the series.  Give Russell T. Davies credit – he managed to revive Doctor Who successfully, which is really quite an accomplishment.

The show’s far from perfect.  Russell T. Davies shouldn’t be writing scripts for Doctor Who, bad satires on pop culture that his scripts are.  That Bad Wolf thing caught on among the limeys, though, didn’t it?  What an amazing show, the Slitheen notwithstanding.  I’m supposed to be scared of farting baby-headed aliens that explode when vinegar hits them?

RELATIVELY NEW SHOW THAT NEEDS TO DIE NOW: The War at Home is awful.  It isn’t that the show is worse than the other dysfunctional family sitcoms Fox is fond of airing.  It’s not funny, though, and it makes a terrible bridge between The Simpsons and Family Guy.  What’s the point of airing King of the Hill, which has somehow remained in first-run against all odds, at 7:30PM?  If King of the Hill hasn’t died in that time slot yet, there must be something to that show.  It’s kind of sad when The War at Home can’t be better than Malcolm in the Middle at its worst, but I’m sure The War at Home‘s weak ratings will assure the show’s quick death.

ASSORTED CLAPPED-OUT BANGERS: That 70′s Show has long since exhausted its supply of “Eric Foreman Kelso Bob Pinciotti makes smart ass remark/Red threatens to kick Bob’s ass/Fez thinks he’s a ladykiller” jokes, yet it goes on like the mutant version of Happy Days that it is.  I can’t even fathom why Kevin Spencer is still on the air recycling that one plotline of Kevin acting sociopathic and Kevin’s parents being dirtbags.  20/20‘s title should be changed to John Stossel and Elizabeth Vargas Give Myths and Lies a Break.  Survivor and The Amazing Race have had good runs, but their times have passed and so has the entire reality TV genre.

WORST NEW SHOW: Popcultured with Elvira Kurt is a Canadian show, so Americans are lucky not to see this.  Imagine a Talk Soup variant with a bad host.  Hal Sparks’ name is thrown around a lot, but there are some John Henson, Aisha Tyler and Greg Kinnear haters out there.  Now imagine the host being a female Canadian stand-up comic whose entire routine revolves around the fact that she’s a female Canadian stand-up comic, but she’s a lesbian so the routine is somehow “edgy.”  Visualize a cast and writing staff around her that yell “THIS IS BAG” and “THAT GUY FROM INXS IS A TOTAL PENIS” at random intervals.  Do you have that image in your head?  Somehow, Popcultured manages to be worse than even your imagination can conceive.  Isn’t Canadian television amazing?

BEST NEW SHOW: The Colbert Report by default.  I’m not fond of the show myself, but some think The Colbert Report is already better than The Daily Show.  It’s good to see Stephen Colbert put something on his resumé that isn’t “voiced an implied homosexual.”  He has a nose for hard news, alright!

UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS SHOW OF THE YEAR: Friday Night Smackdown is the comedy program of the year.  See Undertaker appear in Randy Orton’s mirror…BUT HE’S NOT BEHIND ORTON!  EVIL!  See The Dicks rub baby oil on their chests!  Behold the greatness of The Boogeyman!  Behold the godliness of the Smackdown Juniors!  It’s like WWE executives are aware of how bad Smackdown is, and they’re making the show as deliberately surreal as possible.  That doesn’t mean the show’s any good, as Friday Night Smackdown is somehow worse than WCW Thunder at this point.  Yeah, I said it.

WHY BRAND EXTENSION DOESN’T GENERALLY WORK: ET Canada is a success for Global, but the world did not need a Canadian counterpart to thirty minutes of wasted space.  It just makes for sixty minutes of wasted space.  MTV Canada was made redundant by CHUM Limited’s purchase of Craig Media, but the channel pointlessly lives on as Razer.  Another MTV Canada might debut by next year, never mind that no one needed the first one to begin with.  The Apprentice: Martha Stewart proved that not every show helmed by Martha Stewart is going to be an unqualified success, but that’s probably because the show is mediocre.  My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss debuted in the wrong year.  As for MSNBC, what’s the point of throwing money at that channel?  Just merge it with CNBC and focus on putting out a credible news product, because MSNBC is never going to beat CNN or Fox News in the ratings.  I wonder why NBC Universal bothers keeping its America’s Talking variant afloat.

BEST TV TREND: There isn’t one this year.  Oh, the wags are going to say “well, the old guard of television news is finally gone.”  I can’t take network television news seriously when CBS is thinking of having Katie Couric host CBS Evening News.  Is someone taking the piss at CBS Corporation or did Dan Rather drive everyone there insane?  If CBS News is planning to throw money at any passing fancy, how about hiring Kenny Mayne?  He’s as good a choice as any.

WORST TV TREND: North American versions and/or ripoffs of British ‘programmes.’  The American version of The Office is rather mediocre – the cast is trying hard to make the show work, but Arrested Development tries harder.  Martin Short’s Jiminy Glick character seems like a ripoff both of Alan Partridge (not Ali G, that’s another can of orgasm) and Short’s own Brock Linahan.  Strictly Come Dancing did well as Dancing with the Stars and people like Wife Swap, but why can’t ABC show the original British programs instead of trying to Americanize them?  Finally, could someone explain the title Canadian Antiques Roadshow?  I can’t believe Canadians are that insular.  Then again, CBC does produce the program, so that might explain things.

By the way, I remember first seeing Hugh Laurie on Black Adder when I was seven or eight years old.  It’s hard to believe that he’s the title character of House, M.D.  It’s harder still to imagine how he puts up with that show becoming more outlandish every episode.  I’m waiting for Dr. House to contract ovarian cancer.

LESSONS LEARNED FROM THE CBC LOCKOUT: Absolutely none.  As soon as the lockout ended, it was back to the forced “diversity” and myopic Canadianism common to the MotherCorpse.  Not every Canadian is liberal-minded, and we don’t all like Sarah Slean and poorly-written lawyer shows.  CBC Television is the closest thing to broadcast vanilla at the moment.

REST IN PEACE: Arrested Development.  Fox promoted the show like hell, but the ratings never materialized.  No one will see a show both smart and stupid like this for a while.

Tobias Funke was too good for this world.  He is the world’s only analrapist, after all.

Last year I did something for what would become URBMN where I linked to every top-five list that Google News linked to, in an attempt to show that critics’ tastes aren’t as wide-ranging as one would normally be led to believe.  I found out that Pink Martini were set to take over the world (they probably have by now) and that Texarkana music fans are, by and large, idiots.  Still, this seemed like too much work for not enough notoriety.  I’m some nobody with an opinion, set tastes in music and a hankering to get my name out.  Yes, I’m like 98% of the people who have ever written a blog.  I’m well aware.

I’ve decided this year to come up with my own personal most/least-of lists for URBMN and Blogcritics, ones that I hope are more engaging than “Bloc Party made our white asses at The Stamford Circle Jerk dance all night” and “Kelly Clarkson’s ‘Since U Been Gone’ is an abortion set to music.”  Whether this is more successful as a series of articles than what I wrote last year is up for debate.  Best-of lists are fine and dandy, and I haven’t paid much attention to music lately to warrant talking about it like every other newspaper music critic.  To that end, here are some closeminded rants about what I don’t like about “teh radio” and such.  Enjoy!

THE BAHA MEN AWARD FOR POSSIBLE CAREER-NEGATING SINGLE: If Black Eyed Peas had come out with “My Humps” as their first-ever single, they would have been laughed off commercial radio.  People remember Thomas Dolby for “She Blinded Me With Science,” which is not representative of his work at all.  The Baha Men are actually a credible world-music band, but all anyone remembers them for is “Who Let the Dogs Out” – and they’ve been around for more than a quarter-century.  ”My Humps” is a godawful novelty song, pure and simple, one that could have killed Black Eyed Peas’ reputation had they not already written “Let’s Get Retarded.”  They’ve become the Hanna-Barbera of hip-hop.

“The song’s intentionally stupid,” some people might say at this point.  So is Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back,” but Sir Mix-A-Lot had the advantage of being over the top.  I’m supposed to take “My Humps” seriously as music.  There’s quite a difference between stupid and clever.

MOST ANNOYING SINGLE: Jason Mraz’ “Wordplay.”  Is that song supposed to be cute?  It’s the “One Week” of 2005.  I know Mraz is famous for his folk-rap songs, but “Wordplay” still seems like a novelty song that hit big on radio simply because it was a novelty song.  Mraz and Barenaked Ladies pretty much trade on the same “cute, clever” pop image, and I can’t escape either “One Week” or “Wordplay” when I’m listening to my local top 40 radio station.  I guess it doesn’t matter – Mraz sold thousands of albums on the strength of “Wordplay.”  That still doesn’t make the song not annoying.

SONG I GOT SICK OF EXPRESSLY DUE TO HEARING IT THOUSANDS OF TIMES AS PART OF A COMMERCIAL: Gorillaz’ “Feel Good Inc.”  I forget just what exactly the song was supposed to sell.  I was ambivalent about the song before I had to hear it ad nauseam as part of some marketing campaign for…I don’t know, I think it was shoes or something.  It’s always shoes.  Or something from The Gap.  I don’t take note of this stuff.  All I know is that commercial made me hate Gorillaz with a passion.

ARTIST THAT IS STRANGELY OMNIPRESENT DESPITE THE ARTIST’S LATEST ALBUM BEING RELEASED LAST YEAR: Green Day have really been inescapable as of late, haven’t they?  Grammy recognition for Best Rock Album, the fact that at least four songs off American Idiot seem to have charted, and critical adulation to boot.  The success of American Idiot all seems a little reflexive to me – an anti-Bush album?  The indie and punk crowds being, on the whole, left-leaning?  A band known for its supposed immaturity suddenly “coming of age?”  It’s still Green Day.  Their concerts feature a bunny dancing to Village People songs.  How mature could Green Day really be?

Green Day seem to be more popular lately than they were in 1994.  Fine, “Wake Me Up When September Ends” is a decent song, and I’d rather “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” chart than that godawful, Cancon-friendly crawl of emo clichés coming from Simple Plan.  Still, would some of the critics still love Green Day if the band sang about George W. Bush saving Iraq from tyranny?  Think about that for a second.

ARTIST THAT CAN’T POSSIBLY MEET THE HYPE: How about metalcore bands in general?  How many bands do we need that sound like Dillinger Escape Plan?  Shadows Fall and Lamb of God have major label deals and music publications like Exclaim! and Spin have long since trumpeted the virtues of this sort of music.  Look what happened to Cave In, though – their major-label debut didn’t sell near as many copies as RCA thought it would, and Cave In were punted off the RCA roster rather quickly afterwards.  I don’t know if I’m speaking out of jealousy or not – death metal and grindcore bands rarely if ever get major label deals (they never will, but that’s another issue altogether), but metalcore’s being groomed as the next budding mainstream fad?  It seems like a case of major labels trying to anticipate the next big thing.  If metalcore succeeds in the marketplace, the major labels will trumpet it as the evolution of metal.  If it fails, who cares?  Just throw metalcore in the rubbish bin next to Nashville Pussy and The Unband.

ARTIST THAT SEEMS TO MEET THE HYPE: Kaiser Chiefs are the real deal.  They’re the best thing to come out of the “new wave” revival bandwagon by dint of the band actually having a personality.  I’m not huge on what people are calling new wave these days – The Killers and Franz Ferdinand are better than a lot of what’s out there, but it’s not like self-consciously “weird” bands like Tubeway Army or Devo are suddenly breaking into the top 40 again.  ”New wave of new wave” seems like a contrived attempt to bring back an era of music that will never be duplicated – The Sex Pistols can only exist once, after all.  The Kaiser Chiefs could become legendary in their own time, or they could be the modern-day Dexy’s Midnight Runners.  The future’s wide open for them.

STUPID INDUSTRY PRACTICE: Sony BMG’s attempts at implementing Digital Rights Management.  That whole secretly installing what amounts to malware on one’s computer wasn’t good publicity for the monolith, was it?  Sony BMG then tried to put another, worse malware program past people, which is either ignorance or stubbornness on the company’s part.  What’s the point of implementing DRM when the solution to file-sharing is worse than file-sharing itself?  Didn’t Sony BMG executives realize how stupid this would make the company look?  More to the point, did the executives actually care?

SMART INDUSTRY PRACTICE: Warner Music Group finally admitting that the major music labels try to influence station managers and radio DJs (like the computerized playlists haven’t completely taken over by now) through some sort of financial incentive.  Sure, pay-for-play isn’t going to end now, and using the term “payola” just leads to wags making Alan Freed jokes and acting unsurprised about how the music industry sells itself.  Frankly, Sony BMG and WMG admitting to payola is redundant in the face of the Internet, Cubase and CDR/online-based labels.  At least more than one major label is at least trying to look above-board now, and that’s all that matters.  Frankly, I’m amazed that the music and radio industries haven’t merged with each other yet.

COMEBACK THAT EVERYONE SEEMS TO HAVE A HARD-ON FOR, BUT I CAN NEVER FOR THE LIFE OF ME UNDERSTAND: The Pixies.  I know they reunited last year, but their live DVD recently came out and they’re in the process of recording a new album.  Could somebody explain to me what is so great about this band?  This is why I stopped following indie rock around 1998 – I don’t have a problem with Frank Black, and from what I’ve heard of The Pixies I don’t have a problem with their music, but some fans call them THE MOST AMAZING BAND IN THE HISTORY OF FOREVER.  I can’t remember a reason for people liking The Pixies beyond “THEY’RE SO GODDAMN COOL, THEY ARE LIKE GODS AND IF YOU HATE ‘EM YOU’RE GAY” or “FRANK BLACK IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE ON STAGE!  HE’S DREAMY!”  They’re a late-1980s indie rock band that broke up before they outlasted themselves, not the second coming of God.  David Bowie and Kurt Cobain may like The Pixies.  Neither of them speak for me or my tastes and never will.

COMEBACK THAT I CAN ACTUALLY VOUCH FOR: Johnny Cash is quite popular among people lately, considering his death and the biopic about him that recently came out.  If it means one of the best country singers of the 20th century is coming back into vogue, then that can only be a good thing.  Cash was true to himself, and he was as truly “counterculture” in the 1960s as he was when he released American IV: The Man Comes Around in 2003.  It’s sort of sad that Johnny Cash’s popularity might be the highest it has been in decades two years after his death, but anyone who can cover a Nine Inch Nails song and actually make the cover better than the original deserves all the plaudits (s)he receives, posthumously or otherwise.  Cash is just too good to have something as transient as death keep him down.

ARTIST THAT CRITICS THINK IS THE DEATH OF MUSIC WHEN THE ARTIST ISN’T THAT BAD: American Idol’s Kelly Clarkson and J.D. Fortune off Rock Star: INXS.  So what if they won contests and had insta-fame thrust upon them?  Yeah, I’m sure no other aspiring musician secretly wants to have marketing campaigns behind them.  There are worse things in the music industry to worry about than those two figures of fun – you know, like DIGITAL RIGHTS MANAGEMENT.  I guess things like DRM are too heady for light reading.  Er, I mean “Since U Been Gone” is an abortion set to music.  Yeah, that’s the ticket.

You may have noticed the fact that UR and URBMN now sport Google AdSense bars (as have antecedent blogs The UR Blog and URMN since 2004).  I’m using AdSense again now for two reasons.  For one thing, I’ve been a hop, a skip and a jump from being skint lately.  No, thank you, OSAP payments.  I’m applying for interest relief until I actually have a proper job.  Anyone want to hire a Film Studies graduate?  I’m planning on doing freelance work for CBC Radio.  I know, I’m intensely critical of CBC Radio and I’m gunning for a job there!  I’m a “hypocrite,” I admit it!  Why don’t you admit it, too?

Strangely enough, three people actually clicked on the various ads AdSense throws out from time to time today.  This isn’t outwardly worthy of news, but I’ve never had more than two clicks before.  At the risk of being trite, keep it up.  It keeps me affirmed that what I do is worthwhile.  If anything discourages me, it’s not knowing who the hell my audience is.  I’m not a shill, but this site costs me good money to keep up.  It’d be nice to say that I’m pure, I’d never sell out to commercial interests bla bla bla.  Reality is different.  I’m not selling cynicism, but I am selling myself.  Saying that AdSense or any other referral program compromises me is pure and utter naïveté.  If I’m selling porn here, though, then I’m selling out as it compromises who I am as a writer and a man of some ethics.

Finally, for the first time ever, no one has searched my site for the term ‘girlfeet.’  Has UR finally turned a corner?  I don’t know, but you people are getting smarter or something.  Take a look at this chart – this might be the most historic thing to happen to this site.  It won’t last, but people are finally starting to understand what UR is about.  All I have to say is…after two years, it’s about damn time.