There are a lot of scatological comparisons that one can hit up when describing the fleeting pleasure of Arrested Development: a really good dump after being backed-up for days; the biggest fart you’ve ever let off, in length, intensity and girth.  Really, though, it seems just filthy trying to point out the fleeting, overall satisfaction of this cancelled television series.  A fart and a dump are rather necessary to the general health of your intestinal tract, but playing around with either one is disgusting.

As much as Arrested Development was needed to help transition television comedy away from the Seinfeld setup, AD was needed to help reel a new generation of viewers into what will become, undoubtedly, this generation’s Newhart.

Before I go on, Bob Newhart is downright hilarious.  Go get his book, or better yet, get the audio book.  He reads it and his delivery is fantastic.  Do it now.  Don’t buy the third season of Arrested Development on DVD.  Spend your money wisely, for once.

Digression aside, fuck the movie and fuck you, Arrested Development, for having retarded fans that might warrant a movie.  The creative bankruptcy of the movie industry is evident so that in 2009, the biggest blockbusters will be adapted from toys played by kids of twenty years ago.  Granted, the two figured (G.I. Joe and Transformers, if you didn’t guess yet, you twit) were predominant in the shared culture over the last two years, but so was AIDS.  Where is my AIDS: The Movie?  Don’t you fucking tell me that Philadelphia or the ending to Forrest Gump is all I’m getting.  I want CGI AIDS.  I want Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay AIDS.  I want AIDS with Jay-Z on the soundtrack and guest cameos by Jack Black and Samuel L. Jackson.

Not quite the blight upon humanity but almost as unpleasant, Arrested Development launched the career of Michael Cera.  Known for being the star graduate from the Will Ferrell School of Lazy Acting, Cera has rocked the awkward jackass teenager character in every project that he’s worked on, humping that dry leg for all the hipster money he can get.  Thank you, hipsters, for your shitty tastes have once again ruined the world for a good five years.

Having no urge to see Juno, Superbad, Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist or fuck whatever comes next in the douchebag’s career – fuck, what was I saying?  I was so unenthused just writing the names of projects that feature Cera’s apathetic approach to crafting a character, the fallback on “stammering idiot” and “sensitive guy you’d want to kick in the teeth because he’s so passive,” that I lost any urge to go on with a point.  Shit.  How about another Judd Apatow movie?

What?  He’s doing one about terminal illness now?  Wow.  Man, that’s pretty fucking lame.  Oh, he did a movie with Jack Black and Michael Cera as cavemen?  God, why the fuck did Arreste–oh.  Yeah.  That’s what.

Fuck Arrested Development.  Yeah, yeah, another cult show on Fox got the shaft.  Boo-fucking-hoo.  Look, it was too witty for its own good.  It bordered on precocious too fucking much, like there was a pregnant pause where it was expected that Ron Howard would walk into frame, give the audience a week and leave.

I’ll admit, I watched Arrested Development when it first came around on Sundays since I had no cable and it was easier to leave the television on than turn it off.  From what I saw, it was a decently written series written by a man noted for The Ellen Show and half a season of The Golden Girls.  I think that might sum up the feeling from watching Arrested Development: it’s both benign as a grandmother in Florida and topical as a blonde woman saying she likes to kiss girls.

So, as long as it was on Sundays, I caught it.  It left, came back, and left again.  People were all happy about AD on the Internet, but that didn’t translate to ratings.  It’s another cult show with a rabid fanbase that couldn’t move units and fuck – there it went.  Got a shortened third season, saw the writing on the wall and wrapped itself up.

I watched the two-hour block that Fox used to dump all the remaining episodes of season three, one big series-ending finale to bid the characters good-bye.  Shit, it ended well enough.  Every loose end was tied, every witty joke was made.  Most shows get the idea that the end is coming, but be it grace or the many awards it won, AD got the chance to actually write a finale and put a creative cap on the show.  It was a good ending and I don’t see why a movie has to come about.  I don’t see the need for it.  I also don’t see the need for Jack Black and Michael Cera to dress up as cavemen.  What do I know?

Cera almost saved himself from getting kicked in the teeth by expressing he might not be on board for this movie.  I guess his star has risen so much, now he rolls around in a fake-fur smock with a fat-ass who used to be in a fake band.  Practical Oscar material, this fucking role.  I guess Cera thought himself too busy, but no, news comes out that the movie’s a go and that it might be around next year.  Fuck.

We could have been better off had news of the AD movie never happened in the first place.  This can be said about the tsunami that killed over 150,000 and the genocides in Africa that continue to desolate the people of the land.  The same can be said about this stupid television series.  The docu-comedy, the half-sincere bullshit of it all might have never taken.  We’d be out Pineapple Express and Kevin Smith would finally stop making movies.

Doesn’t that sound nice?  It’s this commitment to failure that drives me crazy, and I’m ready to move on to some real creative mojo.  Why the fuck do we need a movie for Arrested Development, a show that’s been off the air for three years?  Why do we need to create what will just be a 120-minute episode that will not so much answer questions, but pose new questions and answer them (hopefully) in the allotted time?  Fuck that.  Fuck you.  It’s time to grow up and move on.

There’s nothing fun about being one age forever.  There’s enough shit out there you weren’t around for that you can discover and be just as excited as you are pining away for the Bluth Company.  There’s bound to be something worthwhile going on RIGHT NOW, though you have to wade through miles of shit for it.  Hey, it’s a higher quality of shit because it’s not Arrested Development shit.  Goddamn, I tried to avoid the scat images but when you’re digging through the already-digested material of pop culture, it’s hard not to come out smelling like your septic tank.