I liked Part One of Rise Up: Canadian Pop Music in the 1980s a lot more than I did either part of This Beat Goes On: Canadian Pop Music in the 1970s.  Although the general Shakin’ All Over/This Beat Goes On formulae are repeated, the first half of Rise Up has tons of genuine hits – Men Without Hats’ “The Safety Dance,” Rush’s “Tom Sawyer,” The Parachute Club’s “Rise Up,” Corey Hart’s “Sunglasses at Night,” Bryan Adams’…well, Bryan Adams, Triumph’s “Magic Power”…can I stop now?

There isn’t much proselytizing on Rise Up.  The name-checked bands, with few exceptions, are important to Canadian music history – The Pursuit of Happiness, Slow, hell, even Gowan.  I don’t understand why CBC continues to sell me on the merits of Jane Siberry, and I’m not convinced that Daniel Lavoie should have been featured on Rise Up.  Still, it’s the first hour and no one’s even mentioned k.d. lang, Cowboy Junkies, Blue Rodeo, Mitsou or Alannah Myles.  That has to count for something.

The 1980s music videos make Rise Up entertaining.  There’s the odd bit of concert footage, like Triumph at the 1983 US Festival, but the videos really sell the documentary.  It’s amazing how important these things were seen as being in the 1980s versus their actual quality.

Take Gowan’s video for “A Criminal Mind.”  The video’s production values are excellent for the era.  Shit, Canadian voiceover legend Len Carlson kicks off “A Criminal Mind” like he’s pitching for Kraft.  The video’s content?  Uh, something about a blue-skinned supervillain.  Oh, and white goop.  It was the 1980s.  Videos just needed to be back then.

MuchMusic’s role in promoting Canadian music is bigged up, but not as much as one would think.  While much of Rise Up is based around music video culture, MuchMusic is grist for Rise Up‘s fast-moving mill.

MuchMusic’s greatest accomplishment is in its aesthetics – the open-concept “sets,” live-to-air on-camera fuckups, the “throw it in” approach to the channel.  It would be easy to say the Internet killed MuchMusic, but the channel really died the moment it became a lifestyle channel.  Ren and Stimpy is as good a suspect to blame as any.

The weakest part of Rise Up is its lack of variety relative to This Beat Goes On.  Canadians should be familiar with Payola$’ “Eyes of a Stranger,” 54-40′s “I Go Blind” and The Pursuit of Happiness’ “I’m an Adult Now.”  Exceptions are made for Dalbello, Slow and The Box, but Jian Ghomeshi doesn’t start referencing Skinny Puppy or Nomeansno.

In fact, an argument can be made that Skinny Puppy are worthy of mention in Rise Up – in the days before Sarah McLachlan, Skinny Puppy made Nettwerk Records.  Few bands in industrial rock have their international profile.  Maybe they appear in Part Two, I don’t know.

Rise Up contains few surprises for the hardcore Canadian music fan, but I like it.  I don’t even mind hearing how Slow predated the grunge sound by a few years.  Having a Michael Barclay book named after one of the band’s songs screams “HELLO, I’M AN OVERUSED REFERENCE.”  Hopefully, Rise Up‘s second half will be as good as its first half.

As a bonus, here’s the debut of MuchMusic on August 31, 1984.  Warning: features darkies and chroma key.

Canadian punk kicks off the second part of This Beat Goes On (review of Part One here.)  The Demics, The Viletones, D.O.A. and Teenage Head are given mention, which doesn’t surprise me.  The still-active Subhumans get one clip and aren’t mentioned by name, which does.

Cleave Anderson of the Battered Wives is interviewed, yet the Battered Wives aren’t talked about at all.  There weren’t that many notable Canadian punk bands of the 1970s, so what gives?  Anderson’s more famous as the original drummer for Blue Rodeo, but the Battered Wives did open for Elvis Costello.  That has to count for something.

Covering Teenage Head is like including roast beef in a roast beef sandwich.  If a generalist Canadian rock documentary doesn’t mention Teenage Head, something has gone wrong.  Where the hell are the Forgotten Rebels in the documentary, anyway?  The band’s only been around for 32 years, but they didn’t cause a riot at Ontario Place.  Notoriety sells, I guess.

As for Rough Trade, I don’t want to hear how incendiary “High School Confidential” was for the fiftieth time.  I’m not taking away from the song’s importance to the lesbian community, but it’s a tired point.  O/Rough Trade were around for twelve years before “High School Confidential.”  Hell, “All Touch” charted higher than “High School Confidential,” yet “High School Confidential” is Rough Trade’s signature song.

This Beat Goes On immediately goes south when Neil Young is tagged as a punk forefather.  The plaudit doesn’t do Neil Young justice.  The man has never played to trends, but can Nicholas Jennings and Gary McGroarty at least mention Harvest, On the Beach and/or Tonight’s the Night?  This Beat Goes On limits itself to Rust Never Sleeps material, which is a shame.

As for Nash the Slash, it’s great that he’s being talked about, but no FM?  Black Noise was reissued five times in Canada and twice in the United States!  Granted, three of those times were due to Passport Records’ inability to stay solvent, but FM’s 1970s output is worthy enough for This Beat Goes On.

This Beat Goes On has a bad habit of believing the 1970s ended in 1980, thus working in songs like The Kings’ “This Beat Goes On/Switchin’ to Glide.”  The art of combining two songs into one isn’t new.  The Guess Who famously did that with “No Sugar Tonight/New Mother Nature.”  This Beat Goes On has producer Bob Ezrin claim “This Beat Goes On/Switchin’ to Glide” as one of the first intentional two-for-one singles, but it’s not like The Kings spearheaded a trend.

Ezrin is still a hell of a producer, though.  He should have been featured on This Beat Goes On.  The man worked with Alice Cooper, KISS, Lou Reed, Pink Floyd and Peter Gabriel.  In the 1970s, he was money.

I could have done without the Burton Cummings/Dan Hill/Gino Vannelli troika of easy listening.  Sure, they’re culturally relevant to the documentary.  So is Claudja Barry, and Jian Ghomeshi doesn’t talk about “Boogie Woogie Dancin’ Shoes.”  Murray McLauchlan and Stan Rogers are given almost too much airtime, but their works are more interesting than watching Cummings pussify himself.

Rush and April Wine are held off until the end of the documentary.  Max Webster are given mention, as are Streetheart (in passing), but where the fuck are Chilliwack?  The band’s previous lives as The Classics and The Collectors are featured on Shakin’ All Over: Canadian Pop Music in the 1960s.  Chilliwack had a few hits in the 1970s – “Crazy Talk,” “Lonesome Mary” and “Fly at Night.”  The big hits “My Girl” and “Whatcha Gonna Do (When I’m Gone)” were to come, but those are being saved for Rise Up: Canadian Pop Music in the 1980s.

Loverboy shouldn’t even be in this documentary.  Loverboy formed in 1980 and are synonymous with the 1980s.  That’s like talking about Saturday Night Live in the 1970s and focusing on Eddie Murphy.  Lead singer Mike Reno was in Moxy for a cup of coffee.  Why not just talk about Moxy?

I realize this review is full of “where are Random Band X” questions.  This Beat Goes On is as deep as the after-effects of a bong hit by design, but the second half of TBGO underlines my problems with it.  For a documentary about the 1970s, the early 1980s are referenced far too often.  The punk section’s history is too cleaned-up, ignoring a few notable bands.

Two hours isn’t enough time to cover ten years of music.  This Beat Goes On is the sort of documentary that works better as a miniseries or limited series.  I wonder why CBC hasn’t plumped for that idea yet.  Maybe the music rights issues are too thorny.  I’d rather watch that show than a sitcom version of Men With Brooms.

When Shakin’ All Over: Canadian Pop Music in the 1960s aired in 2006, Jian Ghomeshi was still a CBC fill-in host for shows like Sounds Like Canada.  He had his own shows in 50 Tracks and The National Playlist, but he wasn’t the fully-formed irritant he is today.  Ghomeshi didn’t add much to Shakin’ All Over, which was a rundown of Great Canadian Hits mixed with comments from Current Canadian Singers.

The basic formula for Shakin’ All Over has been repeated for This Beat Goes On: Canadian Pop Music in the 1970s (CBC: August 27 & September 3, 9:00 PM ET/PT as part of Doc Zone).  This and Rise Up: Canadian Pop Music in the 1980s are being aired as part of Doc Zone‘s programming, which is odd as Shakin’ All Over merited a two-hour Monday timeslot.  I’ll never be able to divine CBC’s programming logic, but at least the documentaries are out.

I don’t think Jian Ghomeshi should have been kept as narrator for This Beat Goes On.  Ghomeshi sounds like he can’t be arsed to talk about one of Canada’s more interesting musical decades.  This Beat Goes On retains the turgid prose he is famous for on Q, but this material needs a more engaging narrator.  Ghomeshi can’t pretend to like every Canadian one hit wonder.

The first hour covers, as it should, highlights on the level of Bachman-Turner Overdrive, Ian Thomas and The Guess Who.  Later on, Gordon Lightfoot and Joni Mitchell’s jazz era are covered.  Lightfoot looks somewhat emaciated in his interview segments, which is not surprising as he’s in his seventies.  Even Valdy is given his propers.  It doesn’t make “Rock And Roll Song” any less whiny, but fuck it, he’s Valdy.

Blues and blues rock are given a good chunk of airtime.  Footage is shown of McKenna Mendelson Mainline performing at Toronto’s Victory Theatre burlesque house, which is awesome.  The Mainline footage was shot for the Ontario Educational Communications Authority by Moses Znaimer, in the days before the OECA embraced modernism and called itself TVOntario.

It’s also nice to see footage of Downchild Blues Band, Dutch Mason Blues Band and David Wilcox.  Their shit still holds up thirty-some-odd years later.  Crowbar are comparatively dusted over, even though they had a huge hit single in 1971.

French-language bands get their foot in This Beat Goes On‘s door – Beau Dommage, Robert Charlebois, Les Séguin, Gilles Valiquette, Harmonium.  Northern Ontario’s CANO also earn a look-over.  This Beat Goes On: Canadian Pop Music in the 1970s is weighed down by Toronto and Vancouver-centrism, so it makes sense to include Quebec and Northern Ontario somewhere in the documentary.

This Beat Goes On‘s major failing – aside from the faux-widescreen bars placed on top of full-frame archival footage; nice going – is repetition of the Shakin’ All Over: Canadian Pop Music in the 1960s formula.  No shit you’ll see Ron Sexsmith, Sam Roberts and Great Big Sea’s Alan Doyle talk about Big Canadian Hits.  Nash the Slash gets tons of interview time for some reason.  Promoters are featured heavily, which makes sense as they had thankless jobs in the 1970s.

This Beat Goes On‘s first hour is predictable, yet enjoyable.  Disco is justifiably ignored, while the lasting Canadian artists are given attention.  The hour-long chunks work in the documentary’s favour, though This Beat Goes On‘s greatest hits format can only go so far.  The documentary doesn’t start to bite the big pink one until its second half, so take the good with the bad.

I subscribe to a lot of mailing lists.  I do this because, at heart, I am part of the entertainment business – well, I pretend to be.  I’m about five steps away from having no life at all, so I need to keep myself occupied with something.

One of the lists I subscribe to is the Scratch Records mailing list.  The company seems to do very well with its distribution arm, but its store…the store is a maze of press releases.  Independent bands/labels there tend to sell themselves with more hyperbole than a mortal can stand.  Also, the prices at Scratch can be awfully expensive and I’m not that rich or easily led a music fan.  I’m not trying to bash Scratch Records, but it seems the term “judicious editing” has never crossed the newsletter editor’s head there.  Am I wrong?  Take a look at selections from recent newsletters and TELL me I’m wrong.

UNDER PRESSURE-s/t  CD (Primitive Air Raid/PAR002) $10.50
Successive waves of tough guy metal dogshit and content-free straight edge pablum have rendered hardcore a dirty word for most discriminating 21st century music fans, but Canada has been at the forefront of the genre’s recent revitalization through such real-deal outfits as Fucked Up, Inepsy and Career Suicide. Winnipeg’s Under Pressure are set to continue this welcome trend with their newest effort, an eight-song ripper of quick, raw hardcore inspired by Poison Idea, Black Flag and Motorhead, delivered with smarts, chops and energy to burn.

What a bunch of overwritten ad copy.  Essentially, this bit of purple prose can be boiled down to its “FUCK THAT METAL/SXE BULLSHIT!  THIS IS HARD…TO THE CORE” lowest common denominator.  Is it good that I can recognize one of three local Canadian band names being dropped here?  Since when was Motörhead considered hardcore, by the way?  Makes sense to reference a speed metal band when talking about how old-school hardcore you are.  I know when I write a comedy script, I always study shows like Mannix and Baretta just to get that comic timing down.

Frankly, this reads like a grindcore band’s bio.  If Under Pressure aren’t grind, I’ll eat my hat.  At least the CD is “budget priced” for those bargain hunters.  Never mind that $10 is the maximum I’d ever pay for a CD – how can I pass up something that sounds like Inepsy or Fucked Up?  Could you?

NICK CAVE & THE BAD SEEDS-The Good Son  CD (Mute/8417832) $32.99
We can’t get the cheaper Mushroom pressing any more, so we bring you this more expensive Holland import of Nick’s fine 1990 album.

NICK CAVE-The First Born Is Dead  CD (Mute/8417872) $22.50
Replaces the previous Mushroom version, but no change in price. From 1985, hear Nick sing the blues.

There is no reason to pay $32.99, even in Canadian dollars (seriously, the dollar’s been worth >$0.80 US lately, enough of the Canadian Tire jokes) for an import copy of a Nick Cave album.  I can’t believe people will accept paying more than $20 for something because it’s a limited edition or because it’s an import.  I can understand why imports are more expensive, but good lord!  I can buy seven used CDs for that price, and possibly those old Nick Cave releases Scratch Records is talking about!  How is this cheaper than my local record store or Music World?  The last time I paid $30 for a CD was when I bought an “import” version of Atari Teenage Riot’s Burn, Berlin, Burn!…IN 1997.  Now that I’ve said this, of course, Nick Cave fans are going to berate me for having bad musical tastes and I’ll continue to be shunned until I develop the mental illness of being a hipster.

THE USED-I Caught Fire  CDEP (Reprise/9362428872) $8.50
Kelly Osbourne’s grubby and unbearable ex-boyfriend returns with several anthems for the delusional youth. Tracklisting: 1. I Caught Fire
2. The Taste Of Ink (Live) (From Channel V – Australia) 3. All That I’ve Got (Acoustic Version) 4. Lunacy Fringe (Acoustic Version)  5. Alone This Holiday (Non-album Track) “It’s clear The Used know who they are now; they’ve found their voice. They are plainly aware of their position in the music world today, and it feels good. They’ve delivered the record their fans have been asking for- one that places them squarely on the top of a genre they’ve helped create”. That genre must be Nu Bad Music.

THE STROKES-Juicebox  CDEP (RCA/82876759722) $8.50
It took three albums for these turds to sing U2 [and The Cult/Doors] overtop of the Batman Theme. Ew. [Really, this may well be the single worst song ever]. The second track, “Hawaii”, is much better. Tracklisting: 1. Juicebox 2. Hawaii 3. Juicebox (Live In Rio De Janeiro, Brazil) 4. Juicebox (Video – Director’s Cut)

Why the hell would a record store based entirely on appealing to a specialized audience sell albums it hates like this?  What’s the point?  I know the music industry exists purely to make money, and independent record stores do that by wrapping themselves in friendly, trend-conscious images.  Even so, who’s going to buy something from a retailer that points out how much the album it’s selling sucks?  Is that good business?  Couldn’t the Scratch Records employee responsible for writing these album descriptions just list the album without the “don’t buy this” spiel underneath?  Frankly, if people want to buy The Used’s new EP, they will regardless of what anyone else says.  Maybe this is a Vancouver thing and I just don’t understand.

FUN 100-Hit It & Quit  CD (Hockey Dad/HDR10) $10.99  
With “dance-punk” now a household word and Gang of Four crowding everyone’s “Favourite Band” list on MySpace, it is quite obvious that punk rock has nearly lost its fun side. Indeed, it seems that the heyday of mindless punk rock occurred when most of us were too young to buy clove cigarettes or Pabst Blue Ribbon. Enter Fun 100, five dudes who understand that punk without the pop is like dad without his minivan –it’s not taking you anywhere! Rocking out in church basements, public washrooms, houses, and sometimes even real venues, Fun 100 has been the pulse of the teenage heartbeat for the past four years. These guys are the real deal, their bedrooms ordained with hockey trophies, dirty laundry, and a whole lotta records. Adding synthesizers and a whole bunch of attitude, the band has picked up where the best pop-punk left off. Hit It & Quit, the group’s debut full-length, showcases the group’s superior song-writing and high-octane style. From the anthemic group chorus of “Hot Popular Girl” to the dance-inducing new wave of “Computer,” the record is a surefire instant classic. Look out for Fun 100 on tour for the better part of 2006. “Pure teenage zit rawk angst!” Nardwaur the Human Serviette  “Fun100 was headlining—they’re fucking amazing and still so young. Their songs are fast and filled with incredible things. They’re the Ramones and they’re the Exploding Hearts and they’re Blink 182 when you admit that yeah ok, sometimes pop-punk isn’t so bad… those little Abbotsford boys really know how to get the party started.” Terminal City  “True to their name, Abbotsford’s new wave pop-punkers Fun100 were a hell of a lot of fun to watch. Their ‘Computer’ song is about as danceable as they get and bonus points to the lead singer for wearing the same Mario Lemieux t-shirt that a friend of mine had in grade 7.” Only Magazine

Translation: it’s new new wave, and some people you’re supposed to like think Fun100 is tits.  At least the CD is $11, which is sensible enough.  I don’t know if Scratch Records or the distributed bands/labels set the prices, but punk and metal bands usually seem to understand the concept of “value.”

Well, some black metal bands are too in love with selling “limited edition pressings” of their latest missives for $30.  Is it really that clever to use “only 666 copies pressed” as a marketing ploy?  Does the average underground metal band actually sell 666 copies of anything?  I’m not being flippant – the sheer number of bands ripping off Carcass and Impetigo would worry even the most cretinous grindcore fan.

V/A-COMEDY BREAKS  LP (Filthstyle/FIL001) $17.50  
“Do you need a hook for your next song or need a solid diss for your next opponent in a DJ battle? If so, then this is the break record for you. Comedy Breaks features voice samples from Eddie Griffin, Richard Pryor, Rodney Dangerfield, Eddie Murphy and Dave Chappelle that will appeal to any producer, DJ or human with a sense of humor! The LP is packed with intros, outros, insults, skits about cops, women, racism, sound effects and more. A sure album for today’s creative music artist.”

I don’t understand why this is necessary.  I’m sure better thrift stores and charity shops have whole Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy albums for fifty cents or so, though they might not be easy to find and the albums are often in pisspoor shape.  Still, it’s more economical than paying almost twenty dollars to find out what the five fingers said to the face.

Richard Pryor made his own drugs.  May he rest in peace, and be remembered for more than saying “nigger” every fifth word in the process.

THE PINKY VIOLENCE COLLECTION  4DVD (Panik House) $99.99
Much anticipated collection of early 70’s Japanese exploitation gems. “Female bikers! Gang violence! Catfights!” are the promise to be delivered by these remastered, fully restored, uncut versions of DELINQUENT GIRL BOSS: WORTHLESS TO CONFESS / GIRL BOSS CUERILLA / TERRIFYING GIRLS’ HIGH SCHOOL: LYNCH LAW CLASSROOM / CRIMINAL WOMAN: KILLING MELODY. Extras include audio commentaries for each, trailers for each, actress and director bios, poster & still galleries, boxset bonus CD of Reiko Ike, and a 24 page booklet written by Chris D.
http://www.panikhouse.com/

I received this as a promo.  Either I’m extremely lucky or there’s no way that the 4-DVD set is actually worth $100.  Wow.  Frankly, this is why people go to DeepDiscountDVD and other discount DVD sites.  I tend to go the press route on some things, because there’s no way I can afford to be a film buff otherwise – I mean, Panik House releases some good stuff, but $100?  $40-60, possibly, but there is no way people are going to pay $25-30 for one DVD in 2005.  DVDs in cardboard slipcovers sell for a dollar, for crying out loud!

PART CHIMP-I Am Come  CD (Monitor/MON027) $15.99  
“Volume. It goes to eleven. Sure. Bleeding ear drums. Sure. But the use of volume is not a gimmick for Part Chimp. Volume and amps maxed out is needed to reach the sounds and feelings that ended up on their second LP I Am Come. Nearly becoming complete tape scramble, Part Chimp takes volume to the clipping point. After displaying their near ear drum bursting levels on their first LP Chart Pimp, Part Chimp have refined their sound, maintaining the walls of distortion, yet adding more hooks and harmony. The word evolution could be used here, but without being punny, let’s say Part Chimp have developed, but the inner ape is still with them. If Part Chimp’s debut was crusty punk fueled by an Ampthetamine Reptile crunch, then I Am Come is a highly refined offering, standing alongside distortion dwellers such as My Bloody Valentine, Sonic Youth, and Sunn0))). Recorded and mixed deep in the red by John Cummings of Mogwai, I Am Come is an unbelievable mix of dynamics, harmony, and dissonance.”

SO WHAT YOU’RE SAYING IS PART CHIMP ARE LOUD?!  I’M SORRY, I COULDN’T HEAR YOU!  MY EARDRUMS ARE BLEEDING THROUGH MY BRAIN, THEY’RE THAT LOUD!  I HAVE I MIGHT BRAIN THINK DAMAGE!

I’ve always considered Sunn O))) to be one of the stupidest names I’ve ever seen in metal.  How am I supposed to pronounce O))), anyway?  I know, the band’s name is pronounced “sun.”  The O))) is not pronounced and the band appropriates the name and logo of an amplifier brand, that’s not the point.  It looks ungainly in print.  Some people use a zero (0) for the circle, others use an upper-case O.  Some use three )’s after the circle, others two or four (five if the particular music scribe is demented.)  Sunn O))) are well-loved by people and they have a sizable fanbase, but the name is just one step up from Frantic Bleep.  I’m not kidding.

HAEMOTH-Kontamination  CD (Southern Lord/SUNN47.5) $16.50  IN MONDAY  
“[T]he brand new fithy, sickening burnt offering from the French Black Metal Underground terrorists: Haemoth. Brittle trance inducing cold blast of black metal with a lethal injection of extremely killer riffs. First official USA release ever. CD is limited to 2,000 hand numbered copies. Haemoth support all that can contribute to the ruin of the human being, every form of vice, and don’t give a fuck to the means used top reach that point. Any form of vice, destruction and hate have to be preached. Haemoth encourages every act, physical or spiritual which could carry to the decline, blasphemy or pain. To become one with Him, the interior death is inevitable. the weak ones don’t have their place here. May they burn in hell…”

Yeah, yeah, yeah.  This black metal band hates everyone, Satan is God, the clichés all familiar and cozy like a bed of nails.  Frankly, it’s better when black metal bands go WAY OVER THE TOP, because…well, I’ve never understood the appeal of black metal and why people take what any musician says seriously.  Note the limited amount of copies.  Not overshooting your press run is kult.  I’m going to masturbate in front of your hogtied mom now while sacrificing a goat with a sword made of skulls and pure chocolate FOR SATAN, because I’m kult.  And evil.  Buy my album.  I’m not trying too hard to offend you, really.

I swear, most black metal albums are backstory first, image second, musicianship waaaaay in the back.  It’s why I can never take extreme metal too seriously.  I think I’d be mentally retarded if I did.

THE INVISIBLE EYES-Laugh In The Dark  CD (Bomp/BCD4096-) $15.50  
“Take heed! Here be music for troglodytes and spacemen, monks, drunkards and sophisticated hip shakers alike. Primordial fuzz and reverberous caterwaul teetering on the precipice. New hymns by new primitives. A laugh in the dark, a shot in the arm and a kick in the ass. You can’t hold it in your hand, but it feels pretty good nonetheless. The twang and the thump, the rumble and the wail; the hypnotic sound of things breaking, oscillating and coming apart. There goes Bo and the Duchess in a whirling vortex of feedback held together with duct tape and safety pins. Somewhere over yonder a lonesome organ plays a hauntingly familiar tune while a tambourine can’t stop shaking. “Just what the world needs to hear,” said Greg Shaw.”

So…what sort of music do The Invisible Eyes play?  I hate these long, meandering bios.  They say absolutely nothing, yet make out like they’ve revealed a profundity that only gods would be able to see.  I’d like to know what a certain band plays, what neat genre I can file the band under, and what I should expect from an album.  This seems to be an indie rock album, so why can’t the label say so?  Greg Shaw, Bo and the Duchess might like this album.  Since when do they speak for ME?

Frankly, if Scratch Records doesn’t kick me off its mailing list after this, I’ll be pleasantly surprised.  Those wacky Vancouverites and their expensive tastes, they’re adorable.

Last year I did something for what would become URBMN where I linked to every top-five list that Google News linked to, in an attempt to show that critics’ tastes aren’t as wide-ranging as one would normally be led to believe.  I found out that Pink Martini were set to take over the world (they probably have by now) and that Texarkana music fans are, by and large, idiots.  Still, this seemed like too much work for not enough notoriety.  I’m some nobody with an opinion, set tastes in music and a hankering to get my name out.  Yes, I’m like 98% of the people who have ever written a blog.  I’m well aware.

I’ve decided this year to come up with my own personal most/least-of lists for URBMN and Blogcritics, ones that I hope are more engaging than “Bloc Party made our white asses at The Stamford Circle Jerk dance all night” and “Kelly Clarkson’s ‘Since U Been Gone’ is an abortion set to music.”  Whether this is more successful as a series of articles than what I wrote last year is up for debate.  Best-of lists are fine and dandy, and I haven’t paid much attention to music lately to warrant talking about it like every other newspaper music critic.  To that end, here are some closeminded rants about what I don’t like about “teh radio” and such.  Enjoy!

THE BAHA MEN AWARD FOR POSSIBLE CAREER-NEGATING SINGLE: If Black Eyed Peas had come out with “My Humps” as their first-ever single, they would have been laughed off commercial radio.  People remember Thomas Dolby for “She Blinded Me With Science,” which is not representative of his work at all.  The Baha Men are actually a credible world-music band, but all anyone remembers them for is “Who Let the Dogs Out” – and they’ve been around for more than a quarter-century.  ”My Humps” is a godawful novelty song, pure and simple, one that could have killed Black Eyed Peas’ reputation had they not already written “Let’s Get Retarded.”  They’ve become the Hanna-Barbera of hip-hop.

“The song’s intentionally stupid,” some people might say at this point.  So is Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back,” but Sir Mix-A-Lot had the advantage of being over the top.  I’m supposed to take “My Humps” seriously as music.  There’s quite a difference between stupid and clever.

MOST ANNOYING SINGLE: Jason Mraz’ “Wordplay.”  Is that song supposed to be cute?  It’s the “One Week” of 2005.  I know Mraz is famous for his folk-rap songs, but “Wordplay” still seems like a novelty song that hit big on radio simply because it was a novelty song.  Mraz and Barenaked Ladies pretty much trade on the same “cute, clever” pop image, and I can’t escape either “One Week” or “Wordplay” when I’m listening to my local top 40 radio station.  I guess it doesn’t matter – Mraz sold thousands of albums on the strength of “Wordplay.”  That still doesn’t make the song not annoying.

SONG I GOT SICK OF EXPRESSLY DUE TO HEARING IT THOUSANDS OF TIMES AS PART OF A COMMERCIAL: Gorillaz’ “Feel Good Inc.”  I forget just what exactly the song was supposed to sell.  I was ambivalent about the song before I had to hear it ad nauseam as part of some marketing campaign for…I don’t know, I think it was shoes or something.  It’s always shoes.  Or something from The Gap.  I don’t take note of this stuff.  All I know is that commercial made me hate Gorillaz with a passion.

ARTIST THAT IS STRANGELY OMNIPRESENT DESPITE THE ARTIST’S LATEST ALBUM BEING RELEASED LAST YEAR: Green Day have really been inescapable as of late, haven’t they?  Grammy recognition for Best Rock Album, the fact that at least four songs off American Idiot seem to have charted, and critical adulation to boot.  The success of American Idiot all seems a little reflexive to me – an anti-Bush album?  The indie and punk crowds being, on the whole, left-leaning?  A band known for its supposed immaturity suddenly “coming of age?”  It’s still Green Day.  Their concerts feature a bunny dancing to Village People songs.  How mature could Green Day really be?

Green Day seem to be more popular lately than they were in 1994.  Fine, “Wake Me Up When September Ends” is a decent song, and I’d rather “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” chart than that godawful, Cancon-friendly crawl of emo clichés coming from Simple Plan.  Still, would some of the critics still love Green Day if the band sang about George W. Bush saving Iraq from tyranny?  Think about that for a second.

ARTIST THAT CAN’T POSSIBLY MEET THE HYPE: How about metalcore bands in general?  How many bands do we need that sound like Dillinger Escape Plan?  Shadows Fall and Lamb of God have major label deals and music publications like Exclaim! and Spin have long since trumpeted the virtues of this sort of music.  Look what happened to Cave In, though – their major-label debut didn’t sell near as many copies as RCA thought it would, and Cave In were punted off the RCA roster rather quickly afterwards.  I don’t know if I’m speaking out of jealousy or not – death metal and grindcore bands rarely if ever get major label deals (they never will, but that’s another issue altogether), but metalcore’s being groomed as the next budding mainstream fad?  It seems like a case of major labels trying to anticipate the next big thing.  If metalcore succeeds in the marketplace, the major labels will trumpet it as the evolution of metal.  If it fails, who cares?  Just throw metalcore in the rubbish bin next to Nashville Pussy and The Unband.

ARTIST THAT SEEMS TO MEET THE HYPE: Kaiser Chiefs are the real deal.  They’re the best thing to come out of the “new wave” revival bandwagon by dint of the band actually having a personality.  I’m not huge on what people are calling new wave these days – The Killers and Franz Ferdinand are better than a lot of what’s out there, but it’s not like self-consciously “weird” bands like Tubeway Army or Devo are suddenly breaking into the top 40 again.  ”New wave of new wave” seems like a contrived attempt to bring back an era of music that will never be duplicated – The Sex Pistols can only exist once, after all.  The Kaiser Chiefs could become legendary in their own time, or they could be the modern-day Dexy’s Midnight Runners.  The future’s wide open for them.

STUPID INDUSTRY PRACTICE: Sony BMG’s attempts at implementing Digital Rights Management.  That whole secretly installing what amounts to malware on one’s computer wasn’t good publicity for the monolith, was it?  Sony BMG then tried to put another, worse malware program past people, which is either ignorance or stubbornness on the company’s part.  What’s the point of implementing DRM when the solution to file-sharing is worse than file-sharing itself?  Didn’t Sony BMG executives realize how stupid this would make the company look?  More to the point, did the executives actually care?

SMART INDUSTRY PRACTICE: Warner Music Group finally admitting that the major music labels try to influence station managers and radio DJs (like the computerized playlists haven’t completely taken over by now) through some sort of financial incentive.  Sure, pay-for-play isn’t going to end now, and using the term “payola” just leads to wags making Alan Freed jokes and acting unsurprised about how the music industry sells itself.  Frankly, Sony BMG and WMG admitting to payola is redundant in the face of the Internet, Cubase and CDR/online-based labels.  At least more than one major label is at least trying to look above-board now, and that’s all that matters.  Frankly, I’m amazed that the music and radio industries haven’t merged with each other yet.

COMEBACK THAT EVERYONE SEEMS TO HAVE A HARD-ON FOR, BUT I CAN NEVER FOR THE LIFE OF ME UNDERSTAND: The Pixies.  I know they reunited last year, but their live DVD recently came out and they’re in the process of recording a new album.  Could somebody explain to me what is so great about this band?  This is why I stopped following indie rock around 1998 – I don’t have a problem with Frank Black, and from what I’ve heard of The Pixies I don’t have a problem with their music, but some fans call them THE MOST AMAZING BAND IN THE HISTORY OF FOREVER.  I can’t remember a reason for people liking The Pixies beyond “THEY’RE SO GODDAMN COOL, THEY ARE LIKE GODS AND IF YOU HATE ‘EM YOU’RE GAY” or “FRANK BLACK IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE ON STAGE!  HE’S DREAMY!”  They’re a late-1980s indie rock band that broke up before they outlasted themselves, not the second coming of God.  David Bowie and Kurt Cobain may like The Pixies.  Neither of them speak for me or my tastes and never will.

COMEBACK THAT I CAN ACTUALLY VOUCH FOR: Johnny Cash is quite popular among people lately, considering his death and the biopic about him that recently came out.  If it means one of the best country singers of the 20th century is coming back into vogue, then that can only be a good thing.  Cash was true to himself, and he was as truly “counterculture” in the 1960s as he was when he released American IV: The Man Comes Around in 2003.  It’s sort of sad that Johnny Cash’s popularity might be the highest it has been in decades two years after his death, but anyone who can cover a Nine Inch Nails song and actually make the cover better than the original deserves all the plaudits (s)he receives, posthumously or otherwise.  Cash is just too good to have something as transient as death keep him down.

ARTIST THAT CRITICS THINK IS THE DEATH OF MUSIC WHEN THE ARTIST ISN’T THAT BAD: American Idol’s Kelly Clarkson and J.D. Fortune off Rock Star: INXS.  So what if they won contests and had insta-fame thrust upon them?  Yeah, I’m sure no other aspiring musician secretly wants to have marketing campaigns behind them.  There are worse things in the music industry to worry about than those two figures of fun – you know, like DIGITAL RIGHTS MANAGEMENT.  I guess things like DRM are too heady for light reading.  Er, I mean “Since U Been Gone” is an abortion set to music.  Yeah, that’s the ticket.