This is the first post I’ve written for URBMN in the past few months.  I haven’t “retired,” inasmuch as anyone retires from a self-written blog.  I’ve written a W File for Canadian Screenwriter, and a couple of pieces for Canadian Animation Resources.  Sadly, this is one of those State of the URBMN Addresses I don’t like to write.

The reason I haven’t written for URBMN in months is simple: I don’t like what I’m covering anymore.  In fact, I actively hate Canadian television right now.  Despite there being little difference between leading competitors Shaw Media, Rogers Media and Bell Media in programming strategies – heavy American prime-time influence, only as much original content as is mandated by the CRTC, reruns of said original content – the three organizations feel the need to brag about the things they’re tops in.

CTV, for instance, brags about its strong lineup and #1 status.  Citytv, for whatever reason, feels the need to mention that it’s growing faster than CTV.  Keep in mind, CTV and Citytv’s parents bought a controlling interest in Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment last week.  That’s like the Fantastic Four and Doctor Doom fighting each other, then teaming up for no reason.  At least Sun News Network is consistently against the CBC.

It’s bad enough when CTV and Global pull the “duelling media releases” schtick.  Every program service and network in Canada has the right to trumpet a victory, but the prevailing strategy for everyone besides CBC, educational stations and APTN is “load up on American shows and pit them against each other.”  That’s been the prevailing strategy for decades.  Small players, like GlassBOX Television, Stornoway Communications and Channel Zero, fight for scraps.

I understand how expensive and risky mounting a television show – even the cheapest, tawdriest, voyeuristic reality show possible – is, but cry me a river.  It’s expensive and risky anywhere.  The Canadian shows that do make it onto Canadian television are relatively few and far between, and come across as afterthoughts, unless they prove themselves in the BBM Canada ratings and/or America.

I genuinely don’t understand why, say, The Comedy Network will program Picnicface at least four times a week.  Shaw Media has a long-standing habit, inherited from the Canwest days, of airing a show across multiple cable channels.  Corus airs recent animated, direct-to-DVD films like Next Avengers: Heroes of Tomorrow on Teletoon and Teletoon Retro.

Those aren’t programming strategies.  They’re financial strategies.  They’re things companies do when they want to save as much money as possible, never mind what their viewers pay for.  I’m not entitled to anything when it comes to entertainment, yet it’s easy to spot when a channel is growing complacent.

Most of my time these past three months has been spent on Google+.  Each week, I see at least three press releases that kill my faith that Canadian television is improving.  Whether it’s Bell Media’s habit of slotting shows to meet CanCon requirements, MTV Creeps, or bouts of collusion between two or more media giants, I find something new to hate about the Canadian television industry every day.

To that end, URBMN will revert to its original purpose – as a weirdly-named, generalist blog – starting January 1, 2012.  I’ll still talk about Canadian television at times, but this site’s been semi-active for almost a year.  I don’t know what I’m going to do in the near future, but I’m not enjoying what I do right now, and it shows in my writing.  Everyone who reads me deserves better.  Stay tuned.

This recap was originally going to be for thePOWERBOMB.com.  I’m not sure what’s going on there day-to-day right now, so fuck it, it’s here.  It’s not like I’m updating URBMN regularly these days.

This week’s Impact! begins with Sting revealing a new design for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship.  The belt looks nice.  Too bad the promotion is so shitty, but what’s another few thousand down the sinkhole?

Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan come out.  Sting says that evil Hulk Hogan turned Darth Hardy evil.  Hogan announces that Immortal has killed Hardy.  Enter Darth “Bully” Ray.  Ray, AJ Styles and Mr. Anderson come out and demand title shots, so the Anderson/RVD contender’s match – which wasn’t resolved at Victory Road 2011, fact fans – becomes a Fatal 4 Way.

I know I should be picking at the bones of this segment, but no one’s saying anything.  Anderson and Hogan go through a vaudeville routine.  Anderson back-drops himself for no reason.  RVD fails to come out.

Are the pay-per-views selling Impact! now?  All I know is, that’s a tsunami of wrestling, right there.  Impact! is like an earthquake after Jeff Hardy’s meltdown!  That might be a tasteless joke, but so is watching twenty-odd minutes of useless filler.

Madison Rayne defends her TNA Knockouts Championship in the third week of her Open Challenge.  This week, we reach right into the TNA Knockout ball bag for Alissa Flash.  They roll around, scream and act bitchy.  They don’t have a match, but who cares?  Men like tits, right?

The Pope D’Angelo Dinero comes out and “heals” people, still hating on Samoa Joe.  Samoa Joe chases The Pope, after The Pope beats up on/tortures Okada.  You might as well have The Pope and Samoa Joe masturbate on each other at this point.  That would be an athletic demonstration, at least.

Kurt Angle brains Jeff Jarrett with a guitar after the Angle/Jarrett peace talks break down.  Wow, Angle finally uses a weapon to hurt someone?  That’s about two weeks too late, but the Jeff Hardy Victory Road brouhaha has conveniently caused the Jarrett/Angle feud to be only the second-worst thing about TNA.  Fate’s awesome!

TNA remembers it has the Television Championship, letting Gunner, Murphy and Rob Terry at it.  Gunner wins, since TNA and fuck you.

Matt Morgan, Angelina Love and Winter fight Hernandez, Sarita and Rosita.  Why two disparate angles are lumped together like this, I don’t know.  Who won?  Certainly not fans of decent wrestling.

Wait, I realized the Mexicans in TNA are now part of a supergroup!  How Mexicools!

Last on the agenda is the #1 contender’s match.  RVD and Mr. Anderson hit the double pin, which is nice, since it draws out a feud instead of setting a strong tone for Lockdown 2011.  Good use of “Bully” Ray and AJ Styles, by the way, having them be an added attraction instead of the main event itself.

Also, what a useful bump AJ took.  It makes the kayfabe injury angle the highlight of the show…which isn’t saying much, given the awesome entertainment shown before the #1 contender’s match.  There were, I think, tits and half-naked men.  Oh, and Hulk Hogan babbling.  Fun.

What an exciting, non-retarded version of Impact!  I’m proud to have watched that thing.

On August 31, 2010, the 25th Annual Gemini Award nominations were announced.  Less than 24 hours later, the first “Gemini Awards are a joke” columns started coming out.  Here’s Bill Brioux’s column, and John Doyle’s.  I’m sure two more articles will plop forth in the coming weeks.

I’ve come to accept that the Gemini Awards are a joke, myself.  What I almost never see from these “Gemini Awards suck” articles are historical, debatable reasons why the awards lack credibility, aside from the $350 chicken dinner and CTV News’ bowing completely out of Gemini contention after 2006.

While this article isn’t a scholarly tome on the Gemini Awards’ uselessness, here are seven specific reasons why people (well, television critics, but why haggle?) tend to bag on the Geminis.  The list is broken down into six nominations, and…this.  I’m amazed I can pare the list down to just seven entries.

Keep in mind, this list is subjective.  I’m sure readers have their worst-ofs.  Worst-ofs tend to be more prevalent than best-ofs.  I’m just saying, Canadian television, you know?

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CODCO
Best Comedy Series
Won, 1989

The only nominee in its category.  Bizarrely, Kids in the Hall won a Gemini that year for Best Variety Program.  If this wasn’t a way for the Geminis to recognize both CODCO and KitH, however convoluted the setup, I’ll eat my hat.  Besides, what else was there to nominate in 1988-89?  Learning the Ropes?

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Mosquito Lake
Best Comedy Series
Nominated, 1990

Want to know how weak Canadian television comedy was in 1989-90?  The nominees were this and Material World.  Yes, two nominations and neither Kids in the Hall nor CODCO were listed.  Figure that one out.  I can’t.

Seriously…Mosquito Lake?!  That show wasted the talents of Mike MacDonald, Tara Strong and Dan Redican.  Whenever bad Canadian sitcoms are brought up, Mosquito Lake pops into mind.

Nominating You Can’t Do That on Television or The Super Dave Osborne Show for Geminis in 1990 would have made more sense.  They weren’t Gemini Award material, but neither was Mosquito Lake.  For heaven’s sake, one of Mosquito Lake‘s episodes centred around a dead fridge.

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J. Michael Straczynski, Captain Power and the Soldiers of the Future
Best Writing in a Dramatic Series
Nominated, 1988

“Hey, wait!,” you say.  ”J. Michael Straczynski is a good writer!  He created Babylon 5, and Captain Power kicked ass!”  I should point out how Captain Power was a children’s show competing against adult series.  Mind you, Captain Power was expensive for its time, but still.

I actually hate to put this nomination in a Gemini worst-of.  Captain Power‘s writing was surprisingly sophisticated for its genre.  It just seems weird, in retrospect, to put Captain Power up against Night Heat, Adderly, He Shoots, He Scores and The Beachcombers…

…on second thought, that nomination isn’t weird at all.

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Rick Mercer, Made in Canada
Best Writing in a Comedy or Variety Program or Series
Won, 2002

What makes Made in Canada‘s 2002 win so bad?  No other shows were nominated in this category.  Made in Canada was literally competing against itself.  Specifically, Mercer was competing against Mark Farrell, Alex Galatis and two Ed Riche entries.  Made in Canada wasn’t a terrible show, but was Canadian television in 2001-02 that fucking weak?

Before you say yes, Trailer Park Boys earned a token Gemini nomination in 2002, under Best Ensemble Performance in a Comedy Program or Series.  Who won that category?  Made in Canada, with three out of five nominations.  I refuse to believe Made in Canada was that good in 2002.

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Henry Sarwer-Foner, Made in Canada
Best Direction in a Comedy Program or Series
Nominated twice, 2002

Henry Sarwer-Foner, This Hour Has 22 Minutes
Best Direction in a Comedy Program or Series
Nominated, 2002

Jon Greyson won this category in 2002, for (get this) Made in Canada.  This isn’t a slight on Sarwer-Foner, who has won seven of the twenty Geminis he’s been nominated for.  He’s a decent director, but this is a rare case of the Geminis heavily favouring a person.  At least Sarwer-Foner didn’t sweep his category.

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Henry Czerny, Flashpoint
Best Performance by an Actor in a Guest Role, Dramatic Series
Won, 2009

This category made up four out of Flashpoint‘s nineteen nominations last year.  The lone non-Flashpoint nod in this category was Damir Andrei, for Being Erica.  Czerny’s awesome, of course, but how could Flashpoint lose this category?

The Geminis have not shown the same favouritism to Flashpoint in 2010.  Flashpoint has only fifteen nominations this year.  It’s like the show is mortal now, or something.

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This, from the 2009 Gemini Awards:

Yeah.  Some Canadian Idol winner, Ron James and Mike Reno.  Try to hold your enthusiasm.

At least this clip balances the audacity of Ron James singing:

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I think we all know who the more dignified presenters were.

Peak Season has recently been picked up by VH1 for American consumption.  The reality show follows the daily lives of twenty-something Whistler, BC residents.  Peak Season will air on VH1 nightly at 11:30 PM ET/PT, beginning Sunday, February 14.

The show is referenced by VH1 as Peak Season: Vancouver.  Why not call the show Peak Season: Whistler?  I know Vancouver is host city for the XXI Olympic Winter Games, but the title’s inaccurate.

I’d like to congratulate the show for making the big American sale, but I don’t watch MTV Canada.  I have no way of comparing Peak Season to The Hills, Laguna Beach or Jersey Shore, as I’m opposed to the MTV reality show house style on principle.

Good on MTV Networks for bringing Peak Season Stateside, I guess.  I just wish I could give a damn about the trashy shows Peak Season emulates.  I’m sure I’ll get a few nasty comments my way for this post, but this is like Fuse airing Keys to the VIP.  Canada can do better.

A second season of Producing Parker is in the pipeline.  This item was mentioned by the Channel 56 blog, and confirmed on Breakthrough Films & Television’s website.

The show, originally set to debut on Canwest’s now-defunct E! network, debuted on TVtropolis this May.  Reruns currently air on Global and TVtropolis.  This entry will be updated as more information becomes available.  As of this writing, news is limited to “Producing Parker 2: until 2011.”

I assume this item has been up since October, as this Google cache mentions Breakthrough’s non-broadcast Gemini Award wins.  Producing Parker 2 was then in production “until 2010.”  I guess no one bothered to notice until this week.  I don’t know.

I’m not sure what to think of this.  Producing Parker is aired on TVtropolis far too much, sometimes in odd timeslots.  ”Twat” references and bare breasts at 6:00 PM on Sundays?  I understand cable channels are lax on censorship, but that’s bizarre scheduling.

The only Canwest specialty channel appropriate enough for Producing Parker is Showcase Diva.  While I’m not a big fan of Producing Parker, it deserves a better home than TVtropolis.  The show’s better than Bob & Doug, but so is colonic irrigation.

I’m surprised Producing Parker is a more-than-single-season wonder.  Are CanCon regulations keeping this show alive, or is there something to Producing Parker that I’m missing?

I know, CBC’s midseason 2010 lineup is day-old news by now.  Weirdly enough, the news is still current.  Odd, that.  Program highlights from CBC’s Winter 2010 schedule:

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New Shows

Kids in the Hall: Death Comes to Town | Tuesday, January 12: 9:00 PM
18 to Life | Monday, January 4: 8:00 PM
Republic of Doyle | Wednesday, January 6: 9:00 PM
Best Recipes Ever | Monday, January 4: 3:00 PM (weekdays)

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Miscellany

The Border will end its current season January 7 and 14 in the Thursday 9:00 PM timeslot.  Doc Zone will move to The Border‘s Thursday timeslot starting January 21.  Frankly, I like Doc Zone much better than The Border.

Marketplace will debut its 37th season Fridays at 8:30 PM, after a rerun of Tuesday’s Rick Mercer Report.  The Nature of Things will move to Thursdays at 8:00 PM by January 7.  Steven and Chris will return with new episodes, starting January 4 at 2:00 PM.

There will be a few specials.  Test the Nation: IQ will air Sunday, January 24 at 8:00 PM.  Gordon and Leah Pinsent’s Love Letters will air in the timeslot the following week.  Keep Your Head Up Kid: The Don Cherry Story, a miniseries, will air March 28 and 29 at 8:00 PM.

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CBC’s midseason prime time shows sound better than usual, in that I don’t automatically hate any of them.  There’s no sure-to-fail idea like MVP: The Secret Lives of Hockey Wives or The One.  There’s no surefire hit, but not everything on CBC can be Dragons’ Den or…ugh…Battle of the Blades.

I “love” the comments at CBC.ca’s site.  Life with Derek is a “never heard of canadian drama”?  Life with Derek was on Disney Channel for four seasons, and that’s in the Hannah Montana/Jonas/Wizards of Waverly Place hypermarketing-to-tweens era.  What an obscure show.

Also, nothing’s good on CBC Television save hockey, Canadian content is shit, yammer yammer yammer.

The trailer for 18 to Life isn’t that bad.  It’s certainly more engaging than Little Mosque on the Prairie.  Peter Keleghan plays his patented WASPy Dumbass^™ character, but 18 to Life doesn’t seem forced like Republic of Doyle.  Watch some trailers and judge for yourself.

Warning: spoilers.

Teletoon has advertised the final seven episodes of Life’s a Zoo.tv (Teletoon: 10:30 PM ET/PT starting September 20) as “lost.”  No, Teletoon, they’re not lost.  You just haven’t aired them yet.  By that definition, the entirety of The Dating Guy and all [adult swim] shows on Teletoon bar Robot Chicken and Moral Orel are “lost.”  Showcase is airing “lost episodes” of The Foundation and Paradise Falls.  See where I’m going with this?

The channel recently kicked off Life’s a Zoo.tv‘s “second season” by airing the seventeenth episode of the show.  Life’s a Zoo.tv is a reality show satire dependent on continuity, as Dr. D and Minou are not featured in this episode.  If Teletoon isn’t going to air the show properly, just keep it on the shelf.  Teletoon airs Moral Orel in sequence, but not its own shit?  Oy vey.

The episode is by and large a Chi Chi oriented episode.  Chi Chi (Stephanie Jung), the show’s overweight butt panda, becomes sick for some reason.  She shows signs of pregnancy, which explains the episode’s title.  Hilarity threatens to ensue, as the other castmembers bar Rico aid her through childbirth.  The ending, though I won’t spoil it, should be familiar to anyone who’s seen the “Cash” episode of The Young Ones.

Life’s a Zoo.tv‘s basic tenets of Morreski (Stephen Kishewitsch) drinking, Ray (Mike Rowland) acting like a dumbass stoner, Jake (Kurt Firla) acting skeezy and Chi Chi talking stereotype broke English are maintained.  Rico’s (Francisco Trujillo) subplot is darker, as the homosexual crocodilian forces his egg to go through musical theatre.  He even puts a vest on his egg, such is Rico’s iron-clad grip on reality.

I’ve learned to live with the music video portion of Life’s a Zoo.tv.  In this episode, Joel Plaskett’s “Fashionable People” is shown.  To me, that’s a few minutes of torture.  I have never understood why Life’s a Zoo.tv needs music videos, as they are superfluous to the show itself.  I assume the videos are there to bring in revenue and fill time.

The second-season “premiere” of Life’s a Zoo.tv is average.  There have been more clever episodes, although Life’s a Zoo.tv has stuck to its general modus operandi of lampooning reality show clichés.  Writer Brandon Firla does what he can with the premise of “Chi’s Having a Baby,” but there’s only so much mileage one can get out of the “surrogate egg mothers” plot.

I doubt Life’s a Zoo.tv will be renewed past its initial twenty-episode order.  Unless Teletoon decides to renew the show, these last seven episodes will likely be Life’s a Zoo.tv‘s death knell.  It’s been a surprisingly good run, all told – better than Station X, anyway.

I know “no one cares” about the Gemini Awards.  Every year, there will be an article about the lack of credibility Canada’s television awards have, yet there is momentum for the 24th Annual Gemini Awards that previous years have lacked.  For one thing, Canadians are selling more to American networks.  It would help if the shows sold to said networks were of better quality than The Listener, but money is money.

The Geminis have embraced Flashpoint.  The show has picked up a ridiculous 19 nominations, the most ever for a Canadian television show.  That sounds impressive, except that four nominations are in Best Performance by an Actor in a Guest Role, Dramatic Series.  Three nominations lard Best Performance by an Actress in a Guest Role, Dramatic Series.  Flashpoint even has a Gemini nod for Best Achievement in Main Title Design.

Categories like Best Achievement in Main Title Design are why the Geminis have a credibility problem.  An award needs to be given out for opening credits?  Have a look at the Gemini nominations (caution: PDF), there are a few categories that need to be discontinued.

For those wondering, Keys to the VIP and Reality Obsessed are nominated for one Gemini each this year, for Best Direction in a Reality Program or Series.  Corner Gas and Little Mosque on the Prairie aren’t nominated for anything, but Keys to the VIP gets a nod.  Weird.

I also hate when a category is dominated by a single show – Best Direction in a Comedy Program or Series is two-thirds Less Than Kind.  Murdoch Mysteries benefitted from this domination last year.  There should be a rule limiting how many times one show can dot a category.  I’m not saying the Gemini Awards should be more diverse, I just hate seeing stacked decks.

For the purposes of this article, I’m going through selected categories.  I’m sure Best Cross Platform Project and Best Science, Technology, Nature, Environment or Adventure Documentary Program (whew) are the bee’s tits, but I’ve selected the categories of most interest to me.  If I missed a half-decent category, I apologize.

Fun fact: this year Survivorman is up for Best Documentary Series.  Survivorman‘s a reality show in a category it barely belongs in.  Canadian television, gotta love it.

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Best TV Movie
Celine (CBC)
Elijah (CTV)
In a World Created By a Drunken God (APTN)
Of Murder and Memory (CTV)
The Secret of the Nutcracker (CBC)
The Terrorist Next Door (CTV)

You know, I have not seen one TV movie on this list.  I don’t know the first thing about any of these made-for-TV films, so I can’t comment on them.  I will say that In a World Created By a Drunken God is an awesome film title.  It’s also APTN’s lone wolf against the CBC/CTV juggernauts.  Yeah, I want APTN to win this one.

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Best Dramatic Mini-Series
Burn Up (Global)
Diamonds (CBC)
The Last Templar (Global)
XIII (Canwest)

I’m confused as to which network/cable channel I should list XIII under.  Showcase airs XIII a lot, but Canwest has also foisted the miniseries on Mystery TV.  Showcase can’t get enough of XIII and The Last Templar.

All four nominations for Best Dramatic Mini-Series are co-productions.  Two of the noms, The Last Templar and XIII, aired on NBC, while ABC picked up Diamonds.  Burn Up is the dark horse, as it aired on BBC Two and isn’t as high-profile.

The entire Best Dramatic Mini-Series category is junky.  Let’s move on.

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Best Dramatic Series
Being Erica (CBC)
The Border (CBC)
Flashpoint (CTV)
The Tudors (CBC)
ZOS: Zone of Separation (The Movie Network/Movie Central)

No big surprise Flashpoint is there.  I’ll be surprised if it doesn’t win a Gemini for Best Dramatic Series.  I would swap The Tudors with Rabbit Fall, which gets little Gemini love this year.

My personal choice to win, even though I haven’t seen the show, is ZOS: Zone of Separation.  I have seen the other four shows, and they don’t stand out to me as the best Canada has to offer.  It doesn’t matter what I say, since Flashpoint is the commercial favourite and has the American fanbase.  Having typed that, watch Being Erica win.

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Best Comedy Program or Series
Less Than Kind (CityTV)
The Rick Mercer Report (CBC)
Testees (Showcase)
This Hour Has 22 Minutes Series XVI (CBC)
Three Chords from the Truth (CMT)

I am fucking stunned Testees is nominated for this category.  Less Than Kind, yes, but Testees?  I’m not complaining about the nomination, I’m just surprised the show’s in a high-profile category.  Testees won’t win, as the Gemini Awards hate Kenny Hotz.

I’d rather see The Jon Dore Television Show nominated in this category than The Rick Mercer Report and This Hour Has 22 Minutes.  I know I gave a good review to one 2008-09 22 Minutes episode, but the show’s weak at this point in its life.  ‘da Kink in My Hair is more worthy of a Best Comedy nomination than 22 Minutes, and ‘da Kink is shit.

As for Three Chords from the Truth, where did that nomination come from?  Maybe I need to start watching CMT.  Every year I think I know a lot about Canadian television.  Nominations like this remind me that no, I don’t.

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Best Reality Program or Series
disBAND: The Homecoming (MuchMusic)
Dragons’ Den (CBC)
GoldMind (TVtropolis)
Project Runway Canada (Global)
The Week the Women Went (CBC)

I want so bad for Dragons’ Den to win.  It’s the only show of the five I can get behind.  I admit to not watching GoldMind, since the show is on the sludge factory known as TVtropolis.  GoldMind must air eighteen times a week there, so it has to have entered the Gemini Awards’ subconscious in some way.

What a shitty set of nominees this year.  I’m not a reality show fan by any means, but I’m sure Canadian television aired a reality show of higher merit than disBAND: The Homecoming.  One of these years, the Gemini Awards are going to have to get to Mantracker.  You can’t hide from him forever.

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Best Animated Program or Series
Jibber Jabber (YTV)
Life’s a Zoo.tv (Teletoon)
Rick and Steve: The Happiest Gay Couple in All the World (Teletoon)
Rollbots (YTV)

Wow, two kids’ shows against two adult cartoons.  It’s a weak field this year.  I’m partial to Life’s a Zoo.tv for obvious reasons, since it’s a very well-written show.  Rollbots‘ nomination makes me wonder why Kid vs. Kat didn’t earn a Gemini nod.  Swap one generic Canadian cartoon for another, who’s going to notice?

Rick and Steve, though…the show’s not funny.  I know it’s a gay-oriented cartoon, I just can’t see how the show is good enough to earn a Gemini nomination.  I will say that Rick and Steve deserves a nomination more than friggin’ Rollbots.  If nothing else, Cuppa Coffee Studios has two chances to win a Gemini, so good on Cuppa Coffee for that.

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Stay tuned for part two of this article series, as I cross over into the Craft and Performance categories.  Now with more Amy Jo Johnson!