The Olden Days, When This Site Still Called Itself Unbelievably Retarded

Saturday, April 24, 2004


Crossposted from The UR Newsletter (yeah! I updated there! Fucking hell!)

Hey guys! Moving back to Stirling, so anyone who's still sending stuff to the Ottawa address send it here instead:

K0K 3E0

Updates and actual stuff related to the site soon enough, people. Gimme a damn breather, yikes

Also: ChronicleLite won out over Frequency. Seriously, ChronicleLite is great. It's in java and crap.

Thursday, April 22, 2004


Well, I'm an "adorable little rodent" according to Truth Laid Bear. Took the site long enough to list me. My blog is now outpacing my site, hooray. I'm not surprised, though, considering how much I update UR itself. I'm considering merging the blog and the site; let me know if it's a good idea. Boy, the searches I get because of the blog...it'd blow your feeble mind, it would. Seriously.

I've been watching some of the old Saturday Night Live episodes on Global, and I'm a fan of the Muppet sketches. Not to say the rest of the sketches are shit (some are, this is SNL after all) but the Muppet sketches should have become a hit. Anyway, all the sketch transcripts are at http://www.toughpigs.com/anth02june.htm, as well as backstage shite and mention of "moogies." The sketches are tame when compared to adult porn and that sort of sexual faff, but it's not Sesame Street and there are no "Ernie is gay" jokes anywhere. Of course Ernie is gay, no one ever tried to dispute that fact. Geez, people.

Jeff Hardy may be coming back to WWE. Boy, somebody's desperate for star power, eh? I'm just surprised Byte This actually made headlines for once. Does anybody care about the WWE show that is more worthless than Sunday Night Heat? Man, good ol' JR spouting off WWE rhetoric for an hour. That is ENTHRALLING FUCKING ONLINE TELEVISION! Also, JR hates the internet writers and thinks Japanese wrestling is sucking pond water. Blah blah blah, Charlie Hoss and Rico have the Smackdown tag titles, Bradshaw's main-eventing and Chris Benoit's not being buried like everyone thought would happen. This is all you need to know about WWE right now. Everything else is as meaningless as Jerry Lawler's commentary.

Check out Ontario Metal, I'm linked from there! That description is going to be outdated once the new mastheads come in, though. Man, timeliness. The spat with Adrian Bromley is officially over now, by the way. I'll make fun of Eric at Teufel's Tomb instead. That fag, HE LIKES WORMED...GETTING "WORMED" UP THE ASS THAT IS! HA HA HA! HOMOPHOBIC HUMOUR, EL OH FUCKING EL!

Finally, what the hell does this site have to do with UR? The weird things that show up when looking at my site stats. You'd be surprised what shit I find out about where the UR hits come from sometimes. I tell ya, the Internet.

Enjoy the pointless ranting. I might not be hooked up to the Internet past Saturday and the online situation...well, I dunno yet. More news to follow. Stay tuned as always for further updates.

Okay, one more thing: [email protected]. I'm awesome. Send me spam mail, I love that shit.



Here it is, kids. The full 22-minute piece (from the Acts of Volition website) that made me give up on CBC Radio. I guess it isn't that bad as CBC Radio journalism goes, but two things make me hate this radio article: the fact that DNTO bothered to play Stryper, and the conclusion that *SHOCK!* the key to better Christian music is better music overall. No shit? That's almost as much a revelation as "There is more than one band with the name Mutilation." Welcome to 2004, everybody. Tesla's making a comeback, people are still rehashing the 1980's and the Ottawa Senators' coach being fired makes for front-page news here in Canada. Makes me wonder about the world sometimes.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004


Good god (non-denominational exclamation, that is; I don't want to be seen as actively promoting this crap.) This thing isn't so much a comic strip as a man stealing the art styles and gag-writing talents of popular comic strip creators (for 1991, anyway) and slapping some unfunny religious subtext on each strip. I don't care about the religious leanings of the strip, it's just that my father's having had colon cancer surgery is funnier. It's that terrible.

Also, http://www.geauxsaints.com/opus/opus?.jpg (replace the ? with a number from 1 through 8, that's how deep the archives go. You know what to do.) Man, if this is the best Berkeley Breathed can do he shoulda stayed retired. Ha ha Condoleezza Rice jokes. Mike Peters had funnier, more entertaining gags about her. Mike fucking Peters. And he turned Mother Goose and Grimm into a shitty Garfield-esque parasite fer fuck's sake.

Seriously, I love Berkeley Breathed. Here is a man who likes to make fun of Jim Davis for being corporate while his syndicator throws around cease and desist letters to anyone who would dare scan in his new work (since he can't or won't publish it online, apparently. I know, copyright issues and crap, but still.) He echoes the sentiments of Bill Watterson, but nü Opus just ain't gonna work without better source material, Breathed. It's funny how Bill Watterson's legacy is going to be how he stuck to his word unlike everybody else in comics, not licensing out Calvin & Hobbes or making a much-hyped-about comeback like this. Compared to him, Breathed looks like a hypocrite.

Besides, Darby Conley's flat-out stolen Breathed's lead anyway. Well, him and maybe Ruben Bolling, though Bolling's sorta inconsistent. Yeah, an ostensibly "metal" site talking about comics, I'm a fucking burnout.

Saturday, April 17, 2004


Definitely Not The Opera

I heard this shitty "radio article" from these guys about Christian crossover rock that made me give up CBC Radio altogether. I GIVE UP, CBC RADIO. There, I said it. Bullshit opinions, Stryper jabs (as if that band isn't made fun of by most Christian bands already), the whole "WHOA, CHRISTIAN ROCK DOESN'T SUCK NOW?" attitude...seriously, who writes this shit? CBC's "youth" shows are so terrible, appealing to maybe the indie kids and little else. I give up, you polesmokers. What's next, something about the black metal genre? You'd get that one wrong like you get EVERYTHING wrong, DNTO. This show wasn't that great when Nora Young hosted, but under Sook-Yin Lee it's become a flaccid piece of overlong, fillerific SHIT. Come to your senses, CBC. Cancel this dross.

Man, why do the twits who disseminate "youth culture" to the masses get this shit so massively wrong? This comes two days after this. CBC Radio loves its mediocrity and having washouts from television lodged up its collective ass. Prove me wrong, dipshits, prove me wrong.

Thursday, April 15, 2004


Added some php code that shows pictures linked from other peoples' Livejournals (it's the hot new thing, apparently) and modified it so it appears in the sidebar and the pictures that appear on this site aren't as big. Now you can feel the power of ridiculous pictures from other peoples' LJs 24 hours a day! Now I harness the power of inane babble!

Also, you've probably noticed the banners are smaller; apparently no one's been interested in banner linkage yet, to the blog or the site itself. The banners are an eyesore, I admit, and the front page of UR will suffer the same fate with regards to size of banners when I do another UR update. Which should be in, what, a month's time? Yeah, I need to get off my ass. I don't know why I keep on repeating the same behaviours month after month; it's so fucking uncanny that I do. Maybe I need more drugs.

Anyway, the real news: apparently I keep getting the Beagle worm from time to time. The newest "attack" on this site (which worked about as well as the previous seventeen, i.e. my anti-virus program caught it - it's a minor problem, you knew that) had the virusbot send me a letter from [email protected] with this message:

Dear user, the management of Sweetposer.tk mailing system wants to let you know that,

We warn you about some attacks on your e-mail account. Your computer may
contain viruses, in order to keep your computer and e-mail account safe,
please, follow the instructions.

For details see the attached file.

The Sweetposer.tk team http://www.sweetposer.tk

Ho ho! Isn't that funny, since NO ONE ELSE WORKS FOR SWEETPOSER ENTERTAINMENT BUT ME AND THE COMPANY ISN'T TECHNICALLY REAL ANYWAY? Wow, I don't know if the bots that send this shit are being programmed stupider or what. The Sweetposer.tk team, that's a larf. As if anybody else is ever going to be interested in writing for UR.

Finally, here's a picture of a fox. Stay tuned for more updates from the Sweetposer Action News Team as stories develop! Man, I write gay

Tuesday, April 13, 2004


I've found the main Hot or Not site to be entertaining, it being a dating service for desperates to meet other desperates over the Interbajey. You upload a crappy picture and other people rate you based on the picture and info about yourself. It's a lark to see a bunch of people, most like you or me, upload grainy pictures of themselves hoping for a nibble, a relationship or a lew larfs. I uploaded a picture of myself for shits and giggles myself, but have decided to feature some Yob Pics (read: pictures with funny captions) for the people who like to read UR and/or the blog. Hopefully this semi-regular feature turns a few of you on.

Here's a picture of someone else who takes this Hot or Not thing seriously. Great thinking, taking a picture of yourself while on the shitter. Sexy.

Monday, April 12, 2004



World Wrestling Entertainment will be reviving an old WCW tradition this June as their Sunday 6/27 PPV will be titled "The Great American Bash." The Bash will take place in Norfolk, Virgina and will be based around patriotic themes. Norfolk is the home of the largest naval base in the world. Promotional photos of Torrie Wilson dressed as Uncle Sam will be used to market the event as well. WWE also plans to announce they will allow members of the military to view the PPV for free as well.

The Great American Bash was a series of summer events promoted by Jim Crockett Promotions in the late 1980s. The Baltimore, Maryland stop of the July 1988 Great American Bash was aired live on PPV, headlined by NWA champion Ric Flair defeating Lex Luger when the match was "stopped" due to Luger's bleeding by the State Athletic Commission. That show was the first NWA event that was available nationally through all cable systems on PPV.

The Baltimore Bash became an annual NWA/WCW PPV fixture and the name was used regularly by the NWA and later WCW until 2000.

The 6/27 Bash show is one of two additional PPVs WWE is adding to their roster this year. The second is PPV scheduled for Tuesday 10/19, although no name has been announced for the show.

You know, there would have been at least four pay-per-view names I would have activated before The Great American Bash -- Starrcade, Fall Brawl, Halloween Havoc (BTW, WWE's trying to own the rights to the trademark WCW Havoc right now, hint hint), Superbrawl and War Games. Hell, I'd have brought back Bash at the Beach, at least it gets around the whole bullshit piggybacking on American patriotism thing. I have nothing against patriotism itself, to be perfectly honest. I just don't want it repackaged, shoved into my face and bludgeoned to the usual brain-dead lowest-common-denominator WWE standard. I'm sure Kurt Angle will be involved in some way, I just see it.

Oh, WOW TORRIE WILSON DRESSING UP AS UNCLE SAM! WWE has better women on their roster to display than Torrie Wilson. All that woman does with regards to character is suck on a lollipop. What's the angle here, is it a BLUE lollipop? An AMERICAN lollipop? Help me out here.

Sunday, April 11, 2004


I'm really fucking bored and miserable right now so it's a perfect time to show you guys my LiveJournal logos. Feel free not to use, because they're mine. I'm a greedy sonofabitch, ya know.

Man, Easter is a slow holiday. You'd think more people would be arsed to go to my site. Maybe I should talk about Britney Spears, that always gets laughs from jerkoffs.


For some reason, I searched through the US Patent and Trademark Office's database today and came across the following names/terms of wrestlers who have wrestled for WWE at one time or another. Said names/terms are/were registered as trademarks (®) through the USPTO at one time or another. In addition, all of the wrestlers listed here have worked for WWE in some capacity between 2003 and now (aside from DDP, I'm just amazed his trademark exists). Read the list, it'll scare you. For the record, most of the trademarks are still being used. Bolded names are of wrestlers who have since left WWE.

3 Minute Warning®
Al Snow®
Big Show®
Blast Area®
Booker T®
Brock Lesnar®
Chris Benoit®
Doink The Clown®
Hardy Boyz®
Just Bring It®
Kurt Angle®
Layeth The Smacketh Down®
Paul Bearer®
Ric Flair®
Rob Van Dam®
Sgt. Slaughter®
Smackdown Your Vote®
Steve Austin®
The Hurricane®
The Rock®
The World®
Triple H®
Undertaker (w and w/o The)®

I can understand keeping Undertaker, The Rock and most of the trademarks on that list, but 3 Minute Warning? Kanyon? Al Snow?! Wow, it's amazing how slow it takes the American government to approve a registered trademark on some of these terms. Ye gods.

Hell, I'm amazed I can't use the phrase "Slobber-Knocker" without written consent of the WWE.

EDIT: Also, here's something else I found from the USPTO site. Great logo.

Thursday, April 08, 2004


I might get rid of the Hot or Not link on my site. It's obvious people think this thing's shit.

Seriously, how am I not appealing to you people? Is it me? Seriously, there's a damn comments link on the site, tell me what I'm doing wrong here. Meh, maybe I'm too impersonal. Basically I'm whining, I'm aware of this. Should I talk about Joe Jackson? Here, a personal story. You dinks love that sorta shit.

I'm shopping at Loeb and I'm looking for soup and beans when I hear Joe Jackson's "Is She Really Going Out With Him?" It's the "dance" version, apparently, with a shitty drumbeat and 1990's trendy echoes glued upon it. What the bloody hell is the matter with people that they feel the need to rape Joe Jackson? The cash boners didn't need to arse about with the song by adding some boring drumbeat to it, since that sort of rapes the point of the song. The song is supposed to be stripped-down New Wave, but apparently "Is She Really Going Out With Him?" has been turned into a fucking dance song. No Joe Jackson song works as a dance song, especially not with 2004-esque production values. I have a feeling before the end of the year some dink is going to mess about with Devo. You watch.

Before I go, some comments about...uh...the comments:

Yeah, I'm fixing up the comments part of my blog. Still buggy, but I'm new at the whole blogging thing. Give me time. Oh, and people, hit ok. The preview button don't work. Like I said, this is relatively new to me.

Yup, it's this sort of laziness (that's originally from the guestbook concerning the Blogshares snafu) that makes me loved by everyone. Man, try to feel the shits and giggles you bloody anuses.

Monday, April 05, 2004



I know, it's twenty-five seconds long and it's essentially me acting like a moron. I like WTF moments.

Speaking of which, I was reading about soap operas today for some damn reason. I can't explain it either. I must be huffing gas or something.

Sunday, April 04, 2004


I found some old MP3s of mine on some floppies (remember floppies? Flop-pies. Yes.) and I thought I'd whore the ZeD uploads of them. My tax dollars at work. You're probably not going to like them, but what the hell. I just like to unleash my stuff on an unsuspecting arty audience. Who knows, maybe I'll appear on television one day, har har. Anyhoo, try to enjoy.

I'm the Hank Hill of the Internet. Yyyyep.

Gonter Who: An Unearthly Child

The Furry Bar: The Bestial Vice

More updates tomorrow, Tuesday and Wednesday. Heh heh.


Mmmmmm ... A college student takes on 'The Simpsons'

It's funny, him and about tens of thousands of other people seem to have written college papers on The Simpsons within the past week. Hey, I did a serious discussion about death metal webzines four years ago, when the hell am I going to be interviewed for a newspaper? You can have a college-level discussion on anything. I talked about 20/20 for a second-year art & culture course. INTERVIEW ME, BARBARA WALTERS! WANNA SEE MY DISSERTATION ABOUT HOW TROLL HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH HARRY POTTER AND THE TRADITION OF MYTH? I'M A SMART MAN DAMMIT!

Saturday, April 03, 2004


Yep, this is what I do when I'm bored. Not an eventful day.

Thursday, April 01, 2004


You all fell for my April Fools' joke.

Seriously, who would have thought I'd contact a bunch of artists to work for UR? Nothing serious yet, but I've thrown e-mails at the aforementioned, Lindsey Layne King, Jon Zig and Jason Karns (Jake of Tales From Uranus), let's see how serious this gets. Yeah, I'm heavy on the furries. Hell, Reverend from Blood Cult, I'm looking at your direction as far as image work goes (this on the really really cheap, mind you, I'm only one man with a university job, minimal cash flow and a health problem). I might do some minor graphic work on UR, not sure yet. Day-to-day shite, you know.

Also, ha ha you fell for the sympathy ploy. You guys suck.

Actually, I was sorta honest about the being too negative thing but you know, stress. And the fact you guys are so easy to fool.