The Olden Days, When This Site Still Called Itself Unbelievably Retarded

Monday, May 31, 2004


KY00TE! ^_^

Here's something for you to download from the always ultra-cutesy Lindsey Layne King (i.e. one of the people who was contacted to do a new masthead for UR. Yes, I'm still awaiting one. Damn, you people are lazy as hell.) This thing is 5 MB for an 8-second .avi but it already has more plot than an episode of Friends. Mind you, staring at a wall for five hours has more plot than an episode of Friends. I'm just trying to make with the similes, metaphors and whatnot.

Yes, a man can be into this stuff, pornogrind and Rocket Robin Hood. Quit trying to pin me, okay nutbutts?

EDIT | June 1: Apparently the picture makes the blog look like I failed Web Design 101 at anything below 1024x768, so I had to shorten the link description and reduce the picture. Man, Blogger. I probably annoyed the three people a day who read this blog, at most.

Sunday, May 23, 2004


I'm surprised it happened, but mark May 22, 2004 on your calendar. This is the day CBC's mainstream pop culture reporting department finally acknowledged the existence of extreme metal and did an actual positive piece on it.

I know. I'm a little surprised at that myself.

To be honest, I've had a problem with the CBC ignoring everything but its own circle of influence for god knows how long now (a decade? Way to be timely, CBC Radio One, acknowledge the existence of death metal two decades after it began.) Mostly the MotherCorp hovers around the indie-rock and folk circles from which it hardly ever deviates, so this is almost like a small victory for me. Still, I have some problems about the reportage so I'll divide this review into pros and cons.


  • Ion Dissonance got surprisingly good mentions in the extreme metal piece considering how obscure the band is. The End got good press as well, even though the band's on Relapse and I usually am indifferent to bands on Relapse.

  • The piece itself actually talked about how extreme metal was a difficult music to get into and how most people in the scene don't expect to make millions of dollars a year (actually comparing metal to jazz as a "difficult" music at one point). That is the first time I've actually heard a piece about extreme metal ever make that claim.

  • DNTO actually got the players of the Quebec metal scene right - Kataklysm, Gorguts, Cryptopsy, Voivod and Neuraxis were mentioned. Hell, Malefaction was actually identified as a Manitoba band. Usually CBC's predilection for doing absolutely no research on these things gets stuck in my craw but the lackeys at MotherCorp did their research this time.

  • The music was actually called interesting. Usually CBC shows have this predilection to lump all metal in and consider all metal to sound like Judas Priest or The Darkness (shit forbid.)

  • DNTO actually played snippets of bands like Gorguts and Neuraxis. That was surprising in itself.


  • Couldn't DNTO get a better man than Greg Pratt to do the piece? The man has no radio voice and he honestly sounds boring on the radio. I don't like his Exclaim! reviews anyway since he comes across as a bit of a cock.

  • Leading into the DNTO piece was this awful personal story about how "dumbass headbangers" done Sook-Yin Lee wrong when she was a kid. Way to get me interested in the piece, guys. Insult the fans some more, why don't you?

  • Martin Popoff was introduced as a band. Popoff is talked about in the piece as one of the most knowledgeable people in "heavy metal" (please stop calling it that, by the way; HM is a subgenre of metal proper.) He may be, but damn does the man make colossal mistakes every now and then. He isn't the god of metal journalism, people.

  • The piece did that whole "and these bands wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Rush." What the hell does Rush have to do with Gorguts? DNTO does this stuff all the time, but that's reaching. Maybe Rush influenced a few death metal bands, but I'd think Annihilator or Exciter would be more of an influence than Rush when it comes to brutal death metal. I'm just saying is all.

  • Some dipshit (Martin Popoff, if you want to know) made the remark that if you wanted to emulate Rush you had to play your ass off, but all you had to do to be like Mötley Crüe was put on makeup. I hate Mötley Crüe but that sort of stuff is just plain ignorant considering the Crüe can play decent rock music. Apples and oranges there, Popoff. Also, Martin Popoff can't name five hair metal bands from Canada. Gee, maybe that's because it's 2004 and most hair bands have faded from view? It's difficult for a non-hair fan to name anyone from that scene besides Poison, Warrant and Skid Row, period.

All in all, the Definitely Not The Opera piece on extreme metal was flawed in places but this piece might finally show that extreme metal is being accepted on its own terms instead of being lumped in with the music "uncool" kids like. I give the piece a C. Do more of this stuff, CBC.

Man, me congratulate the CBC? What is this, opposite day?

Saturday, May 22, 2004


Holy crap. Go, basically Brent Bambury's little sex toy of a show on CBC, had as its topic "Long Songs" (basically an excuse to fill time but you already knew that) and somebody actually mentioned their favourite long song to be "Bent Backwards and Broken In Half" by Cannibal Corpse.

I hope Go plays that song. They won't, obviously, but CBC needs to acknowledge the existence of death metal instead of making fun of everything considered "uncool" by the Youth of Today. Yeah, it's fucking CBC Radio One and the pop culture shows always hawk the same bloody things all the time ("gosh, Hayden's got a new album out. Let's continue to shill his bored-sounding work!") but still. You can't deny it forever, bastards. PLAY CANNIBAL CORPSE OR YOU WILL SUFFER A HAMMER! SMASHED! FAAAAAACE!

Sorry for the idiocy. I just love when the public penetrates the MotherCorp's veneer of cultural superiority.

Saturday, May 15, 2004


Good to see people (especially at TheDDT) are starting to loathe me and all and nobody wants to put me on a pedestal when I'm gone for a few weeks, but when checking the search breakdown I noticed a disturbing trend. Look and writhe in horror.

I am personally amazed "Extreme Dinosaurs" is at the top of the list. Are there really seven people who liked that show? You people suck. The Internet, feeding into itself like the Midgard Serpent it is.