IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY.

PAYPAL ME HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS! I'M GREEDY!

No, seriously, because it's August 31 I've decided to invite people to GMail if that's your bag. Please e-mail me at [email protected] (and E-MAIL ME, YA LAZY BASTARDS) if you're interested. Like I'd foist a bloody Amazon wishlist on you or something dumb like that. No, I'm not going to linkfarm you; don't look at me like that.

COMPUTER DREDGE

On Sunday, my 13GB hard drive said its last goodbyes and died on its arse after four years of use.  Luckily, I was able to save most of what was on the drive and I recently bought a new Athlon XP 2400 with 256 MB of RAM, a 52x32x52 CD-Rom burner, modem, network card, 40 GB hard drive, modem &c.  I'd like to thank the people at Home Computer in Corbyville for building the machine.  It works great and it didn't cost as much as one might think.  Trust me, you'd be surprised at how I managed this deal.  If you live in the Belleville area call 1-613-967-9895 (well, not the 613 part; that's for the out-of-towners) and...well, these guys advertise lower prices and for once that's not the advertising bullshit talking.

Also, some DVD news for the week: after my whining about getting rid of a few underachieving parts of the UR "empire," I went on a DVD and VHS binge (of buying on the cheap, of course - no way would I eat the damn things) and bought some titles that I didn't even know existed around the Quinte area.  To wit, my purchases/acquisitions between last Thursday and this Wednesday:

American Ninja (Cannon Films' one and only)
Beyond the Mat (HE'S GONNA PUKE!)
Can I Do It til I Need Glasses? (the sequel to If You Don't Stop It...You'll Go Blind!, y'know)
Catch-22
Chinese Connection, The (Bruce Lee)
Commandos (Lee Van Cleef/Jack Kelly)
Dreadnaught (Yuen Woo Ping 1981 film)
Fistful of Hell, A (Bud Collyer-ania; this film seems to be reissued every three years as far as I can tell.  Rated G!)
Hong Kong '97 (Pyun-ania...or inania, if you will - OH, MY, FUCKING, WIT)
Live from Washington It's Dennis Miller
Lust for Freedom (minor Troma film)
Party Animal, The (Pan-Canadian film)
Paul Robeson: The Tallest Tree in Our Forest
Return of the Street Fighter (Sonny Chiba)
Slaughter Day (some 1976 Italian thriller that strangely is pretty damn good)
Wonderful Ice-Cream Suit, The (Stuart Gordon; you know this one)
Yellow Hair and the Fortress of Gold
Young Ones, The (TV: Cash, Interesting, Summer Holiday)
Cult Epics' Tinto Brass Collection (Miranda, The Key, All Ladies Do It)
Vanguard Cinema September screener (Corndog Man, the film titled King of the Ants that isn't a Stuart Gordon film, Latinos Locos, American Beer)

Call it greed, call it me wasting pocket money...call it what you will.  I promise that these films will be reviewed for the reworked Media Blow (my TV Blow idea + the DVD reviews I'm working towards - I realised the original idea wouldn't really fly on its own so I bunged two ideas together.)  I apologize for complaining earlier in the week; if I knew I was to come into 25 fucking films in a week, I wouldn't have said anything.  

Good gawd, either I know how to shop for cult films or I have no self-control.  The answer's probably lodged in my asscrack as always.  Pyun, Gordon and Golan/Globus in a week.  I'm probably making Stomp Tokyo pissed off at my existence, aren't I?

OF INSEMINATING THE UR WORD, PART II

I've been acting sort of weird these past few weeks.  Being a depressive there are times where I'm basically pissing away time, trying to wonder why the hell life is what it is.  Honestly, at the few forums I hang around there has been a lot of dramarama over the past few weeks about people leaving sites because they're "too gay," "have a lot of n00bs in them" etc.  I'll honestly go out in the open and express my indignation for this ploy for once.  I'll never understand why some people have the egos to try to pull off this tactic.  It's such a waste of time and the overblown nature of said tactic is so amazingly hilarious to me.  I can't stand moronic bids for attention, and I don't care what sort of a site you write for or what you do for a living.  Honestly, I have no idea what this teabag is supposed to prove beyond the fact that there's nothing going on in a person's life that one feels he/she has to make some sort of a retarded point about something like a fucking internet forum turning shit.  I don't get it sometimes.  Is it one has to become "big" or well-known that at a certain point all the rules need to be tossed to the wayside and anything, no matter how damaging to credibility it may be, is acceptable to certain individuals?  I'm not going to name names, I'm just being honest here.  Whining about not getting your way all the fucking time is about two steps away from fascism, and I think most people know that.  One learns that from life eventually, at least I hope so anyway.

Lately, it's been dawning on me that even I think I'm too damn negative in my writing/blog/anything.  It's a problem with my writing as any good critic is seen as hating anything "the good people" like.  I'm just starting to realise that this is bothering me to the point of it really hurting my sense of humour (which has always been drier than Death Valley in July, I admit that.)  With this post, I'm vowing to be more positive and be a "happier" person than before.  I don't want to say this is a cash grab to become more mainstream or something, nor do I want to become the biggest sycophantic bum-lick since Neville Chamberlain.  You know why I write and review the way I do?  It's better than the alternative of lying to people.  I've just been frustrated over the past few months about my relative lack of fanbase (although I'm happier that both UR and The UR Blog lap everything else I've done by a country mile, let me tell you.)  I'm happy for the Alexa rating and whatever, I just don't swear by the shit.  Still, I'd appreciate other people posting at my blog in some way, ones that don't think I'm a faggot for being Canadian or whatever (in-joke, ignore that one.)

Right now, I'm frustrated because it seems some faxes I've sent to DVD companies are being ignored in some way (or have been lost in paperwork, such is the business.)  Maybe it's like that everywhere.  Still, it's about time I stood up and finally do something that I should have done way sooner in my life: I don't regret what I've done over the past five years, because at least I did it (well, there are a few things I regret, I just don't want to be bothered to name names right now.)  What I've noticed about the Internet is the fact that it's just so bleedin' conservative, that there aren't people who bother to do anything different.  For the past few years, that's what I've tried to aim for, being different.  I need to be reminded of that as I continue doing what I'm doing.  Today's been a slow day, and I've been having too many slow days this summer.  Perhaps somebody doesn't like my writing in some way or whatever, but I'm going to try to enjoy what I'm doing more and take more chances as of now.

That said, I'm probably going to kill The UR Newsletter and maybe my association with TheDDT-affiliated people depending on what I decide to do with my life and/or Sweetposer Entertainment post-2004 during the next month or two.  I'm getting to the point where I just can't be bothered to try to appeal to a certain audience, fall into some nice slot or whatever because it's worth next to the Argentinian peso and the Albanian lek (nothing, you know.)  Honestly, right now is one of those times where I have to admit that my mood isn't in writing for a certain few venues because I've honestly tried my hardest to appeal to that audience, and I don't.  It's too much of a hassle and isn't worth it in the long run.  If anyone wants to write for me/me to write for them, write me at [email protected].  I'm honestly wondering if writing for TheDDT/WO and/or keeping a hand on a Yahoogroup that's hemorrhaging members is even worth it anymore.  It's time for me to fell a few bits of deadwood as I exit the 2004 summer season.

Thoughts?  Comments?  Scott Gosar impersonators/Reverend?  Man, I think I've become a whiny, poncy blog twat as of this post.  Soon I'll be talking about how my happy pills have forced my testes to roam.  I'd bet you'd love that story.

THEY'RE FIXING UP CRACKED.

In an earlier post about March-ways I attacked Cracked for its, well, putting out a terrible product.  I still think they were shit back in 2001, when I don't know who edited the magazine put out that godawful excuse for Mad-baiting.  Having glanced at a 2004 issue, I have to admit something: it looks like Cracked's putting out a consistent product again.  To be honest, this is about the most comic-oriented version of any Mad-style comics magazine since...well, early issues of Mad.  I haven't been able to review the issue, and to be quite honest I don't know if I'm in the target audience for Cracked anyway (not that it stopped me from saying anything; I think I'm past the target age where I'd be able to like Cracked - I'm more a 70's-era National Lampoon anorak myself), but I fully apologize to Scott Gosar and his staff.  Honestly, I've seen so much shit come out of Cracked during the past few years I wasn't even sure a turnaround would be in order before the title collapsed again, but I'm glad to see the mag make improvements.  I admit it...I was wrong.  At least the mag looks half-professional again.

I still have my reservations about Dick Kulpa, though.  I'm sure Kulpa's read worse shit than what I wrote, and if anybody writing/drawing for Cracked is that thin-skinned then God help them.  Oh, and since I know you're reading this, Mr. Gosar, Reverend isn't a bad guy.  He's more into the Nanny Dickering-era Cracked (which I have mixed feelings about - at least she gave Don Martin work when Mad threw him away, let's not forget that.)


Now Sonic the Hedgehog?  That's shit!  Man, that comic became a haven for shitty fanart, didn't it?  Fucking Ken Penders...

What am I, nine?

TWEAK YOUR WAY TO THE POORHOUSE

I just received in the mail this morning a little flipbook from Google Adsense.  Does this mean I'm actually pissing Google off?  See, NO ONE ever clicks on the Adsense ads.  I've had about 1800 impressions by now and damned if I'm making anything off the advertising.  Am I just that deluded or did Google target me as some sort of a slacker?  I'm giving the experiment a little more time, but if the trend of shitty ads on my site continues I'm going to have to lump this in with Metal Strike Force, Gonter Who and the Paypal experiment as failures.  Damn, some people are making money (well, $100 or so; that's still something) like mad off Adsense.  I have no business acumen.

Also, I'm faxing some companies like Video Vault etc. in a bid to have them take me more seriously as a viable business partner.  (I'm surprised Troma hasn't jumped on the UR bandwagon - jeez, Lloyd Kaufman, I'm not cool enough for you?  Maybe I'm stupid about the world of DVD screeners.)  Sorry if I'm seemingly whining like I always do, it's just I'm taking Unbelievably Retarded as an actual business venture for the first time since...well, ever and I would like to make some money off my esoterica.  Maybe that's it.

Yeah, I'm closing down UR for retooling.  Next week, THE ALL NEW UR!  WITH REVIEWS OF THE NEW JET ALBUM, IT'S AFFECTING AND SNARLY!


Kidding.  Seriously, expect the new Urusei Yatsura movie re-releases (of Lum the Forever and Remember My Love, respectively) to be pushed out the anus sometime soon (AnimEigo loves UR, you can tell.)  Shit, how heavily do I have to shill myself to become an utter capitalist tool?

"BEAKMAN'S WORLD": BRECHTIAN PREDECESSOR TO BILL NYE?

Apparently this arse-old page I did five years ago about the Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon series still comes up in a Google search for "Sonic the Hedgehog"+"cartoon" (on page 3, no less.) Wow. I am embarrassed that I wrote this half a decade ago. For anyone who thinks I haven't come very far in my 'ziney travails over the past decade, this article from what was then The Cameron Archer Episodes/The Ziff-Davis Pornoweb/any shitty name I pulled out of my ass should convince you once and for all.

Also, some more old shit I wrote. Why the hell did I try to explain Family Guy as "magic realism," anyway? Ah, to be 17 and write terribly again.

MINOR UPDATE

I finally put the Blogshares link back up and all whining I did pertaining to the company is gone, gone, gone from the blog, blog, blog. That and I can't stand my whiny articles, which read like the worst of Leonard Cohen - and that's saying something, believe me. You ever read the man? King of the diarrhoea prose, he is - his 1960's-70's work, anyway. Man couldn't edit to skin a heeb.

So, here's hoping nobody gifts me a billion-dollar share like last time and maybe this go-round I can make billions of dollars while looking for legal loopholes to exploit playing the game fairly and squarely. I'm still not fully sold on the system, but hopefully I won't get VanDyked like last time.

I hate kissing ass and backtracking. There's no money in it if you don't have fans to leech off of. Er, um, I loves me some Blogshares...yes, that'll do

OH and there's a new design for the 80x15 button. That baby design's infecting half of my work.

THE STATE OF CANADIAN WRESTLING (SUCH AS IT IS)

I wrote an article about the Canadian wrestling scene for Wrestling Opinions recently.  Not to be a bigger shill than Doug Graham but you should go read it.  I'm sure this article will make some sort of a wave, considering the subject.  In fact, WO seems to be becoming better than I thought it would be.  I'm actually surprised at the quality of the writing there.  Hope the site actually succeeds this time.

I wonder if Scott Keith's going to read this article?  That'd be a larf.  "Your article failed to make me go BONZO GONZO.  Your jabs at me failed to convince me that you're ready for the main event.  Article was good for what it was.  -**"  Yeah, I know he's retired.  Hey, I've already written an article about RD Reynolds, what other Canadian Interesting Writing Conspirators are at large these days? You retired too early, Xavier Doom.

UR BLOG UPDATE

One might notice the changes I made to The UR Blog recently.  The color and design of the blog was tweaked around a little bit and this is, in my opinion, the best design I've done for the blog part of the site.  I've also signed up to two adlink services and the new category, "Blog Shillage," is distinctly for those services (I also moved the BlogLinker service to this category - note that I've relaxed my stance on porn, though that's more due to laziness than anything.)  I'm going to be streamlining the blog directory part of The UR Blog soon as I need to conserve space what with all the crap I have on this blog now.  Finally, I'm going to be updating UR itself in the near future (yeah, about time huh?)  It might not be for a week or so yet as I'm busy trying to write three essays in a week but it's about time I got my ass in gear on such things.

Also, UR has reached #2 in its category according to Google Directories.  To those who've known me for years (or months as the case may be), I give a warm and heartfelt THANK YOU.  I know I haven't tended to my site in a while (besides the blog), but I have never reached these heights before.  To know that, for a moment, five years of wondering what the hell kind of direction I was going to take with regards to this webzine have finally paid off...well, I'm glad people are starting to understand the sense of humour I like to dish out.  Tongue-in-cheek humour on the Internet is never easy to pull off, and I'm glad people understand my ironies and such.  Expect more surprises to come in the near future.

The treacle I'm force-feeding you is choking your senses, isn't it?  Here, wash it down with some cynicism from Adland Ad-Rag and the revived Tales From Uranus site.  I wouldn't be me without my disparate tastes.

A SHORT PRIMER ON DIALAROUND LONG-DISTANCE PLANS (AT LEAST FOR EASTERN ONTARIO ANYWAY)

Recently I've been going through CIC codes in Canada to see which ones work in my area. I'd heard recently about 1015655 and the list grew from there. This isn't a complete list and the list is only of numbers I can access in my area (613 area code.) Still, better you get the list from The UR Blog than from some link farm of a site, eh? I must thank this page for providing a list of CIC codes, even though I suspect this list is outdated and/or the vast majority of numbers don't work. Hell, you try to go through 100 or so numbers and see how much fun you get outta that. Ho ho.

By the way, I'm only listing third-party long distance dialarounds here; I've excluded Bell, Sprint etc. since I'm not sure about their codes and, well, Bell's long distance rates are terrible anyway. As always, check the company's website for further details. I mean, you're the customer here. You have to do your 50% of the job, you know. I'm skeptical of hidden charges with these things; you should be too.

1018888
Website: http://www.1018888.com/
Lucky Call/Gateway Networks Ltd. (North Bay, ON)
Rrice: $0.99 for an up-to-45-minute call to Canada and the US; $0.99 for a 20/30 minute call internationally depending on country. See website for more detailed information.

1015565
Website: http://www.looneycall.ca/
Looney Call/Yak Communications (Canada) Inc. (Scarborough, ON)
Price: $1.00 for an up-to-38-minute call to Canada and the US; $1 for an up to 6-to-20 minute call internationally depending on country. See website for more detailed information.

1010925 (1010YAK)/1015945
Website: http://dialaround.yak.ca/en/
Yak Communications (Canada) Inc. (Scarborough, ON)
Price: $0.05/minute, Canada/US; at least $0.09/minute internationally depending on country. See website for more detailed information.

1010710
Website: http://www.1010710.com/
Caztel/3855651 Canada Inc. (Sainte-Marie De Beauce, QC)
Price: $0.99 for an up-to-30-minute call to Canada and the US; $0.99 for an up-to-20-minute call internationally depending on country. See website for more detailed information.

All listed companies with up-to-X-minutes-for-$1.00 plans charge from $0.05 to $0.10 per extra minute depending on company and/or country. I'd recommend Yak Dialaround if you're going to be faxing and/or making short calls to your contacts in Europe/Asia and such. Anyway, let me know if any of these countries goes bankrupt and such; I'm sure one of them will in a month or so...fucking deregulation...

AMERICAN CANDIDATE: THE DEATH OF REALITY TV PART II
PART II OF WHAT YOU KNOW WILL BE AN UNENDING SERIES

Showtime television's reality 'Candidate' losing by a landslide

Aside from the obvious flaws inherent in this article (exactly how is a premium cable channel like Showtime supposed to - or even expected to - compete with basic cable a majority of the time?  Then again, this was pulled from the wire services), American Candidate seems like a decent concept but I'm not a fan of the execution of this show.  Mind you, having not seen it yet I don't know if I have a reason to talk about it, but that's never stopped me before.  Heh.

First of all, some of the people picked for this show seem to have been selected for the express purpose of controversy, which is all fine and good but...PETA?  Out of all the groups one could pick for this show, American Candidate has to pick one of the most obnoxious, beat-its-message-over-your-head organisations out there today?  Fabulous.  Perhaps we'll see a man in a pig suit roll around in the hay screaming "PORK BARRELS!" or something.  Chrissy Gephardt is also one of the main draws of the program (well, not anymore...she got voted off - yes, yet another reality show that votes people off one by one) but considering Gephardt's Democratic campaign sank like a stone in the midst of Dean/Kerrymania this wasn't a good choice in retrospect.  In fact, this show seems like it's filled with men of failed presidential runs.  I wouldn't go describing "a team of political all-stars" and then following that statement by listing off "Joe Trippi, who ran Howard Dean's presidential campaign, Carter Eskew, chief strategist for Vice President Al Gore's run for president, Ed Rollins, who advised Presidents Nixon, Ford and Regan and Bay Buchanan, sister and campaign manager for her brother Pat Buchanan."  Oh boy, the guy who couldn't keep Howard Dean from screaming and Pat Buchanan's sister?  Seems like Ed Rollins is the only marketable guy in the bunch, at least to me.  Since when was Pat Buchanan a viable threat to the presidency, ever?  Bay's probably only there for the exposure.

Also, the whole "ordinary people running for office" thing has been done before, and as I recall it didn't come off too well.  Who Wants To Be Governor of California?, as far as I know, tanked for the Game Show Network GSN: The Network For Excess Reruns of Love Connection and Dog Eat Dog, and there was way more potential for a political reality show there than in American Candidate.  Thing is, American Candidate could be an interesting show if different than what was out there before.  Still, there's something about having Gary Coleman and other B-to-ZZZ-list celebrities whore themselves that turned people against the California recall, and I don't think a show like American Candidate can survive unless it seperates itself from that failed experiment.

The thing that worries me the most, though, is the obvious red flag of this show having been shopped around a bit.  This thing was supposed to air on FX two years ago with more of a push than the current series is getting - the winner of the proposed 2002 show was to actually run for President.  These days the ten politicos are going for $200,000 and "a 'nationwide media appearance' to address the country" according to the Reuters PR pap.  That is a comedown, isn't it?  Not exactly thrilling to win $200,000 considering the infamy and/or deep pockets of, say, Gephardt, openly gay Clinton aide Keith Boykin or Richard Mack ("the author of From My Cold Dead Fingers: Why America Needs Guns -- and a proponent of legalizing marijuana.") [Washington Post]  Methinks there's more a chance for infamy than some schlub winning what could be tit money to him/her.  Sadly, the show probably won't be the catalyst to national infamy, given the ratings.

I give American Candidate a D.  It could be interesting, but my intuition tells me this show's spent too long in turnaround and has gone rotten. Still, there are worse shows.

LAST COMIC STANDING: FINAL THREE

Thought I'd rip on one of the three finalists from Last Comics Kneeling While Peter Engel's Pants Are Down (which I rate an *, by the way - it's not as bad as some reality shows but it's more fixed than three hundred neutered dogs) as a "mini-mock." For one of the finalists I have created a character that I'm sure you'll all enj...screw it, it's yet another one of my interminable MS Paint/Photoshop pictures, but I think the character here is pretty much a spot-on parody of the man I based him on.  Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you...

GARY GUILMON BREAD!  GARY GUILMON BREAD!

Kill me now.  I'm too gay to live.

*For those interested, the rating system goes C, D, F, FF, FFF.  It's reality television, this stuff is mediocre by nature.

SLICE-OF-LIFE SEARCH ANALYSIS, 08.05.2004



Dan Naturman: Self-explanatory.  Apparently there's a demand for Dan Naturman, though for the life of me I can't explain why.  I'm usually apt to receive one of these searches a day, such is his popularity.  I can't imagine why he's popular, given one of his punchlines ends in "I'M DOING THIS RIGHT NOW, I'M DOING THIS RIGHT NOW."

I need a new meme to suck in unwitting Googlers.  How about Lee Van Cleef as a ninja?  That oughta pull in the n00bz.

Mark Polishuk: Hi, Mark.  Extreme Tracking has counted this search twice and the first time Polishuk himself was looking up his own name.  Glad to see he's a fan of the blog, ha ha.

chris claremont fisting: Good god, are people still interested in that story?  Should you be that surprised when you know he's done incest themes in the past?  Mention it once and it comes to haunt you forever.

Lindsey Layne King: That woman owes me a masthead.

van dam photo nue: I don't know where the "nue" comes into play here.  You'd think people would know better than to assume my blog is a WWE fan site.  Hell, I get WWE e-mails from [email protected] these days!  It's my fault, the latest description of this blog is "NWO Wolfpac Fanpage."  I'm clearly an idiot.

various CBC topics: Good to see my CBC Summer Waves reviews getting exposure, but what's with the fascination of finding out whether CBC radio personalities are gay?  There are things worse with the CBC than the sexuality of their hosts, you know.  Besides, I have got to stop listening to the MotherCorp and get back into the groove of reviewing Iron Bitchface and stuff.  Arthur Black knows I'm a big enough swish listening to The Station of Endless Interviews as it is.

mike ricigliano: Will this man contact me?  I've had two Scott Gosars and no Ricigs.  C'mon, I want to talk to him about his Top Ten lists.

frawress victoly: I was wondering when someone would look up that Engrish phlase.  Seriously, this is the first time it's come up.

rush popoff: Yay, someone looking up Martin Popoff.  This comes up way too often for my liking and I seriously wonder whether people love the guy or hate his reviews.

"jerk off to Hilary Duff:"  THIS IS NOT A PORN SITE.  PORN SITES HAVE PICTURES IN THEM, NOT WORDS.  GO HERE, IDIOT.

-----

I'd like to take this time to shill Beer Muscles.  I'll hopefully be reviewing this soon; I've heard some good things about this no-budget film.  Shit, Beer Muscles better be good if it hopes to surpass a character named Giant Balls.  That name just sounds sub-Troma for some reason.

AMISH SQUAMISH: THE DEATH OF REALITY TV PART I

I usually don't post media news about television - networks and cable stations as a whole have been in a funk since the early 1990's, and my tastes are limited to The Simpsons, WWE Smackdown, The National and the Saturday night HK movie on Omni.2 (although the movies the past few weeks...listen, can you guys stop showing godawful mainstream comedies?  I'm getting mighty sick of seeing these cute little romantic comedies every week - well, for the eighteen seconds I watch said flicks before turning off the TV anyway.  I hunger for something more esoteric, like erotica or at least a bizarre sci-fi flick.)  Anyhow, from Vinay Menon's journalistic arse to my eyeballs comes this article about how Amish In The City isn't as bad as it could've been, but it's boring.

That's nice, Mr. Menon.  I'm personally offended by this show, not because of the premise - it's an idiotic premise to start out with, but the execution was better than it had a right to be - but because for some reason (which had to do with me feeling like shit on a Sunday) I was watching this show and it's another irritating clone of The Real World.  With Amish kids.  The fact that the show features a sect of puritan Christians is just the McGuffin to wacky antics between the gay clubber and the hunky blond hay-pitcher who dated the bitchy Amish girl.  Replace the word "Amish" with any word and it's the exact same show.  It's Cookie Cutter Reality Formula #1.

I can't stand this digging down into the barrel that the networks are doing, since all they do are these reality shows anymore.  I'm not expecting something great from UPN - God help me if there's anything watchable on that network; even the spoilers for this week's Smackdown call for a midget Undertaker - but there aren't any formulas left to exploit.  Network programming has become an absolute backwater, and as of now I'm predicting there are going to be some absolute bombs come this fall.  Right now I'm setting The Anna Nicole Show as the watermark for Supertrain-level flotsam.  Let's see if the bar can't be set any lower.  Right now Amish In The City is somewhere near the middle of the bar.

I know reality television is too easy to make fun of, but when the networks and cable stations are just flinging any half-baked idea on the air like they're starting to now I feel I need to stand up for my fellow medium.  Allow me my faults, people.

THINGS I'D LIKE TO SEE, MEDIA-WISE, IN THE NEAR FUTURE

• A death metal band do a rendition of The Simpsons theme...on a political-themed episode of The Simpsons.


• A death metal band on Saturday Night Live do a rendition of The Simpsons theme.  Also, Lee Ving in the slam dance that inevitably follows.


• A reality show featuring Robert Goulet and Gary Busey shaking a baby while I piss on Andy Milligan's grave to the tune of "The Land of Chocolate" interspersed with clips from Milligan films.


• A short film of somebody shaking a baby while singing "Shake shake shake, shake shake shake, shake the baby" to the tune of "Shake Your Booty."


• An Andy Milligan episode of Biography.


• Me on a reality show where I win a million dollars playing the exact same dipshit that you read every day at about this time.


• Robert Goulet in the latest remake of The Jazz Singer.  His father would be played by the famous and eye-opening Gary Busey!  Can you say "Oscar?"


• That godawful "Amish In The City" off the air.  I'd rather watch some pagans and some Christian fundamentalists duke it out with shivs and knives, that'd be tens more entertaining.


• The inevitable return of Homer Simpson's brother in a political-themed episode of The Simpsons.


• A reality show featuring people who are cynical about reality shows.  It'd be called "The Real Reality" and people would be voted off based on who is the most annoying castmember that week.