The Olden Days, When This Site Still Called Itself Unbelievably Retarded

Sunday, March 06, 2005


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Recently, a gay sports site (the jokes just flow, don't they) by the name of Outsports posted a list of "naughty words" that NFL Shop wouldn't allow people to use on its customized jerseys.  The Javascript that the NFL uses for personalizing jerseys through its online shop is, of course, so bad that 1155 certain phrases are banned but everything else is up for grabs.  A lot of blogs have caught wind of this and I'm one of them, but the majority of people talking about this story are giving attention to its "you'll allow PISS POT but not PISS?  WHAT?" aspect.  This story, though, has another aspect to it that people seem to have forgotten amidst all the talk and bluster - the obnoxiousness of some sports fans that they'll order joke jerseys like this.

Personally, I don't understand why people pay $79.99 to wear a billboard for their favourite sports stars in the first place.  It's even worse when some unfunny berk thinks that it'll be a riot to wear an NHL jersey with Tie Domi's number and "ME IDIOT" on the back.  There is more than one type of obnoxious sports jersey, and I plan to cover at least ten of them in this blog.  Trust me, after reading this article you might want to buy a "ME IDIOT" jersey of your own.  I wouldn't, but you don't care what I think all that much, do you?  It's not my money, boy.

THE WRESTLING JERSEY | This is a favourite of some cretins.  Nothing's less funny than a jersey that only three people tops will understand, and just because John Cena's your favourite wrestler doesn't mean you have the right to inflict your fandom on other people.  I don't care what you do when pretending to wrestle JBL in a barbed-wire-cage-and-sodomy match, but coming out in a $300 jersey and whipping out "YO CHILL THUGANOMICS" and bad Michael Cole jokes to your three equally cretinous fans just smacks of idiocy.  Sadly, it's legal and easy to buy a Brock Lesnar replica jersey through NFL Shop, not that people should...or would.

THE NIP SLIP JERSEY | You can legally buy this jersey through NFL Shop.  We have Janet Jackson and MTV to thank for the worst catchphrase of this decade, so please remember to thank them by throwing refuse their way.  I'm sure at least one person bought this jersey.

As an aside, why the hell is the Super Bowl considered to be the most important sports day in existence, anyway?  Just because someone says it's the most important day according to advertisers and other marketing types (AMERICAN DAD IS FUNNYE) doesn't mean I need to watch the friggin' Super Bowl when it comes on.  Cripes, if it ain't got the Bills I couldn't care less about it, seriously.  I feel like buying an ironic Rob Johnson jersey right now just thinking about the Bills.  Really.

THE OBSCURE SWEARIES JERSEY | The jersey to your left is not allowed to be purchased through MLB Shop or NHL Shop considering the two sites share the same online store template and possibly the same profanity filter.  NFL Shop's "naughty words" filter, on the other hand, doesn't catch this less-used but still pretty obvious swear-word deviation.  The filter will catch Cumming, a legitimate surname of many, but go ahead and order all the Colonel Angus jerseys you want.  Brilliant - the biggest sport in America has one of the worst profanity filters.  That makes me feel one-eighth safer.

THE OBSCURE-VARIATIONS-OF-SWEAR-WORDS JERSEY | Again, "cum" is questionable but "come" isn't.  Personally, I think one can get away with a "COME BUNS" Toronto Maple Leafs jersey through NHL Shop considering neither "come" nor "buns" are profane enough for the profanity filter there.  On the face of it, there's nothing wrong with using the phrase "come buns" as both words are common enough to be used in daily conversation.  Still, there's only one mental image for "come buns" and you'll see it in porn every eight seconds.  Tell a jury any different and they'll come down hard on you - and you know exactly what I mean by that, cretins.  Don't look at me that way, ya bloody pervs.

THE XFL JERSEY | NFL Shop won't allow "HE HATE ME," but "DAR DAR BINKS" is fair game.  I can't understand the logic behind NFL Shop's profanity filter - I can understand all variations of "RAE CARRUTH" being blocked, but any dumb name that an XFL player used during all five minutes of that league's existence can be used aside from the one that everyone stopped giving two tosses about four years ago.  Hell, order a Rod Smart jersey - same flatus, different smell.  Trust me, people will never tire of using the XFL as a bad punchline to what was initially a good joke.  I know three of you want that Dar Dar Binks jersey so bad you'd kill.  Don't tell me otherwise.

THE RANDOM LETTERS JERSEY | No filter can, or will ever, stop this jersey from becoming a reality.  At least one filter should, considering immature eight-year-olds never tire of using daddy's credit card to buy themselves a Minnesota Vikings "RTIGVNSOENJQ" jersey.  It's like pretending to throw a ball, but not applying any force to the ball so that the pigskin will just drop vertically to the floor (essentially rolling the ball off the hand - we've all done it to make fun of others at one time or another.)  The classics never die, even though they have the best reason ever to.

THE BAND NAME JERSEY | All right, maybe "WACO JESUS" and "ANAL BLAST" are off-limits as jerseys (aside from the jerseys at NFL Shop, so make sure to get the warehouse discount on those puppies now) but I dare anyone to think that putting an obscure medical term for bodily waste on the back of an overpriced jersey is clever or underground in any way.  Jerseys are only acceptable wear if you're in a hardcore band, and even then it's obnoxious as hell.  Seriously, sports and underground metal (or music of any culture, basically, aside from that ROCK JOCK shit and The Hanson Brothers) don't and shouldn't mix.  For $79 a jersey is the same price as five underground metal shirts.  Guess which man-boob cover earns you "scene points."

THE BAD SPORTS IN-JOKE JERSEY | See "RAE CARRUTH," "DAR DAR BINKS," "KEYSHAWN" et cetera.  No one thinks you're funny when a Montreal Canadiens jersey is emblazoned with the names of "T LINDEN," "GOODENOW," "BETTMAN SUX" or "I M GREEDIE."  That's exactly why I let Hockey Lockout Compendium die after a while - too many bad jokes.

By the way, I will throttle anyone who says "THE NHL LOCKOUT IS A JOKE IN ITSELF HAR HAR HAR."  It is, but that doesn't mean you're as funny as the ten million people who've already said this before you.  Get a writer and/or an agent, because you're not Bobcat Goldthwait and never will be.  Asses.

THE BAD INNUENDO JERSEY | Ah, bad innuendo.  What sort of joke jersey list would be complete without this entry?  Profanity filters can't filter out bad come-ons, as I've demonstrated rather handily.  This jersey is ready for you to order through NHL Shop, so what are you waiting for?  Not only will dumb, drunk girls think you're a hockey player, they'll think you're a young go-getter.  After all, what is sports fandom without the usual pandering to dumb "macho" types who like their semen depositories young, stupid and wearing standard wet T-shirt?  After all, it's a badge of honour to wear jerseys that say "NOT THAT WAY," "GAY BASHER" and/or "I LIKE HONEY."  Gotta show that vivacious wit, now.

Oh wait, you don't have wit.  Still, you've got two testicles and a penis.  That's good enough by your standards, surely.

THE IRRITATING INTERNET LINGO JERSEY | This is the worst thing you can wear.  Believe it or not, NHL Shop thought this jersey was a "great choice" when I entered my personalization details into its form fields.  NHL Shop doesn't know squat by the looks of its filter.  Then again, I'm not surprised.  I mean, Blogger thinks it's okay to delete entire posts I wrote that had questionable titles, so what's NHL Shop's excuse?  Come on, "OMGWTFLOL" is reason enough to censor me at one place, so NHL Shop's e-business partners aren't exactly on the ball here.  I think acronyms are just as and/or even more annoying than anything else I've ever seen.  Seriously, tell me you wouldn't get flogged if you wore this in public.

Sorry for the trendiness of this article, by the way.  I'll try to do better next time.  I hope you're looking forward to "AVRIL LAVIGNE SUCKS," kids!  It'll be neato!  See You Next Tuesday!