ISSUE #1, November 27, 2001
  
  
HAILS AND KILLS, ladies and gentlemen! That's right. I'm having another go at The Unbulova Ripoff. I know, it's the comeback absolutely no one has been waiting for, but I'm here. I like being a pain in the ass to the death metal scene, and that's really why I exist. Like anyone else in the scene, I'm doing this so that five years from now, I can become another elitist webzine that doesn't write back to anyone but a Close Personal Cadre of Friends, talking about the Underground as every big sellout label sends free shit to me, but for now, I'm doing this for love. You may be wondering what happened to my "previous" webzine, Metal Strike Force. You know what? It's dead. I couldn't be happier. Metal Strike Force, now that I look back on it today, was a dismal failure, a bid for commercial success, but that really wasn't me. Of course, neither was the old Unbulova Ripoff, but that's not the point. MSF crystallized everything I hate about webzines -- kiss-ass reviewing, poor writing, the pointless attacking of easy targets like bad thrash metal bands and Bernard Edwards -- and the whole damn thing went to shit at about the worst time in my life. I was failing my first year of university. I got tired of all the idiots in the death metal scene. People were pissing me off. I was so tired I couldn't get off my ass most days. (Currently, I have a liver disorder that is the cause of me feeling tired, and I can't have any alcohol. I feel like half a man.) I'm sorry if I never responded to your e-mails, by the way. I really needed to get away from the Internet, and from the metal scene in general. You know what, though? I'm okay. I'm not a poser; I really do care about the scene. The problem, of course, is behind me now. All I've wanted to do for the past three months is get this issue of The Unbulova Ripoff into print. Now that I'm at that point, I'm ready to return to what I do best...be a big pain in the ass to everyone in the death metal scene, as well as metal webzines in general. Seriously, someone needs to criticize webzines with Blood Bars® and practices like giving everyone 8 out of 10 blowjobs so the free shit can keep on coming. Like I said, it's what I do best.
Anyway, that's enough bitching for tonight. It's great to be back.  TEN THINGS FANZINE EDITORS DO TO SCREW UP THEIR 'ZINES I have read a lot of 'zines (webzines, mostly) over the two and a half years I have been in this fandom. During that time, I have seen a lot of 'zines, but few ever stick out amongst the crap in this scene. Now, I may not be as established as a Violated Rot or a Bludgawd.com when it comes to fanzines, but I think I have learned a thing or two about what separates a good 'zine from another in a long line of shitty, kiss-ass 'zines. Anybody who's been in this scene for more than a year can spot this. What makes a shitty 'zine? I don't know until I see one, but in the meantime, here's some constructive criticism from someone who had to learn the hard way how to leave his mark on this scene. Yes, I'm not one to give "how-to's" to everybody, but this is my webzine, and if you don't like it, well, you're not underground so fuck off!
1. KISS-ASS REVIEWING This bothers me a whole lot more than anything else in the scene. A fanzine editor who is heavy on promos will keep giving good reviews to bands and labels so that (s)he can get more free shit. This irritates me, because it promotes a decrease in the quality of future releases from bands and labels. Unfortunately, this practice is a little more widespread than it should be in the metal fanzine world. I mean, for chrissakes, I expect this sort of attitude in major magazines, "alternative" mags and Brave New Waves, but not in metal fanzines. The thing that I love about metal fanzines is that they are more honest than fanzines in other genres. This is why I geared the webzine, when I first started it, towards metal. If you suck in this genre, there is no hiding it. Of course, some people don't want to offend those that send them free shit, so they'll establish a curve in which bands get a mark of at least six out of ten, calling it "supporting the scene." How do you support a scene by doing that? Supporting mediocrity is the worst thing I think you could do in the scene. It just creates more mediocrity, and lo and behold it will be 1993 again before you know it. In my opinion, if a band sucks, just tell them in the review. So you'll get a few angry letters from angry bands. So what? You can't please everyone in metal, so why bother even trying? 2. USING 1800 GENERIC DEATH METAL GRAPHICS IN THE 'ZINE, PRINT OR WEB-BASED I think I've seen the Death's Head 1799 times too many. I mean, make your own graphics, scan a Goya painting, anything, just don't use 3. FOCUSING WAY TOO MUCH ON OVERRATED BANDS/LABELS AND/OR BANDS/LABELS THAT HAVE THE ATTENTION OF THE GLOSSY PRINT MAGS ANYWAY I think I'll use Opeth to prove my point on this one. In my opinion, I think Opeth is overrated by way too many 'zines, simply because the "most elite" 'zines have put bands like them on such a pedestal that they can't see the many hordes of underground bands who are just as good as, or better than, Opeth. I use Opeth as an example because I see them as nothing more than above-average, incredibly pretentious death metal. I don't believe in "tiers" to the metal scene. Just because a band is signed to Peaceville or Relapse does not mean they are better than a band on United Guttural or Razorback. Good bands will always find a fanbase eventually. I'm more a fan of 'zines that find the good obscure shit, like Eternal Frost or The Goregrind and Grindcore Webzine, than 'zines like Edge of Time or Chronicles of Chaos, which have a more mainstream base. I don't have a problem with the 'zines themselves in this case, but it would be nice to focus on other bands once in a while, instead of the obvious 100 percent of the time. 4. SHITTY WRITING I understand that not everybody can write as well as others, and more than a few fanzine editors think on a fifth grade level (I mean that jokingly, if you're one of the easily offended). Hell, I don't expect great English from the overseas 'zines. That does not excuse ANYONE from writing two sentences, calling the album "kick ass," and ending with some joke about how the 'zine editor raped my mother. I'm not looking for Rottrevore Music Reviews "quality" here. At least put a little fucking effort into the writing, not "more sick and more,more,more,more and more !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I don't think I need to say anything else about this. 5. "DEEP, DARK, GOTHIC" WRITING I can't read Erebus: A Dark Music Webzine without cracking up. That sort of writing congeals my blood. What is the target audience of 'zines like them and Quadrivivm? Okay, I get the joke with Quadrivivm, but I can't understand what possesses someone to write fake-sounding "deep music reviews" to convince someone that My Dying Bride's Meisterwerk I is worth their time to listen to. I remember writing some puffery about dodos that evolved into humanoids on the Erebus message board once, and the editor of Erebus told me about Vikings or something. It was, I think, ten months ago when I wrote that piece of puffery. Point is, I told a joke to this guy, and he believed I was serious. Bleh. Give me Grendel any day -- I mean, just because the puffery sounds intelligent and profound does not mean it is, ya damn goths... 6. "DO YOU LIKE PAPER, OR SOAP?" Bad interviews with bands are surprisingly prevalent in 'zines. There are a lot of interviews I read that don't go any deeper than "What are your influences?" or "What do you like better, paper or soap?" You get the point. The best interviews I've read are questions that are at least interesting to read. Sure, some of those questions were stuff like "Who do you think was the best serial killer?," but at least that's an interesting question to ask! It interests the reader, it makes the interview personal, and it forces the interviewed band to think. It's not difficult to come up with decent questions, of course. All you really have to do, of course, is think of the most obvious questions you would ask a band, and not put them in the interview. You'd be surprised how easy it is to do this after a while. By the way, I'll be interviewing Aurora Borealis very soon! I've already mailed them the questions, so stay tuned! 7. "METAL POETRY" I never read the metal poems/They bore me to death/They reach into my esophagus/And steal me of my breath/Why should I have a desire to read poetry/Unless it's unbelievably gory/You're trying to sound like you know your art/To that, I let out a general fart/In your direction the shit particles waft/Light a match, and feel the flames of Hell/I'd rather look at decapitated whores 8. ELITISM: "METAL AUTHORITIES" I do trust 'zine editors when they know what they're talking about, but when they make themselves out to be the "metal authorities" on everything, I have to laugh. No one can be a metal authority, unless they have every demo and every album that EVERY BAND released, EVER. Otherwise, it's impossible to be a "metal authority." I think anybody who's read these 'zines knows what I'm talking about. They put Emperor (R.I.P.), Bal-Sagoth or any other well-known band on the cover of their glossy, full-colour 'zines, review stuff almost exclusively from labels, get pissed off at anybody who says anything negative about their 'zines, have a PR job at an advertising company and get twenty promos in their mail every week, knowing full well they'll only review two of them, because they're the new Opeth and My Dying Bride albums. Oh, and they almost never write back if you write them. I just wanted to point that out. 9. ELITISM: "I'M MORE UNDERGROUND THAN YOU, MOTHERFUCKER!" This is the flip side to being a "metal authority," and yet both the "REALLY UNDERGROUND fucker" and the "metal authority" are exactly the same. The difference between the two is that the "metal authority" won't write a dissertation about how much of a poser people who think Slayer is death metal are. Although some of the "truly underground" people come up with amazing 'zines, a lot of them don't know how to design a 'zine, can't really write that well, have a lot of pentagram logos in their 'zine, and focus almost exclusively on one type of metal, considering anything else, and the people who listen to anything else, gay as hell. Okay, I'm guilty of trying to be a "more underground than you" webzine, as I am focusing on extreme metal now (instead of the much broader metal spectrum I focused on with the original Unbulova Ripoff and Metal Strike Force), but at least I haven't written down "THAT GUY FROM DEEDS OF FLESH IS A POSER!!! ODIOUS SANCTION LIKE TO SUCK COCK!!! THEY'RE NOT UNDERGROUND!!!!! LISTEN TO COCK AND BALL TORTURE YOU FUKCING FAGGOT" as a review. Okay, maybe I have, but I reviewed Akercocke's Rape of the Bastard Nazarene and MY interview's on their website, and I'm responsible for signing them to PEACEVILLE and i also signed INTERNAL BLEEDING to my label FUCK YOUR MOM befor anyone else! no one more UNDERGROUND than me! everyone else is FAGGOT! you are poser go listen to BLINK 182 and get out of the underground and ROT you fucking faggot 10. PEOPLE WHO WON'T WRITE BACK AFTER YOU WRITE TO THEM Above all, this is what irritates me about 'zine editors. I don't care how busy you are; there is always time to write back. This is a standard with 'zines, labels, bands -- I'll write a two-hour long opus, and no one will write back. Really, it's a waste of time, and it sort of belittles the effort put into the letter. This has happened to me at least five times in the last month, I'm sure. Anyway, spelling misteaks and rambling aside, those are ten things that 'zine editors do to screw up their 'zines. If you didn't like the article and/or don't like all the words, write me at [email protected] and FUCK OFF, FAGGOT!!!!!
Well, tonight I'm not going to write some 500-page tome on how gay Chronicles of Chaos is, or ruminate on the gayness of the Relapse UBB. Tonight, I'm going to focus on...me! Of course, I'm not going to write a thousand-page essay on myself, either (though describing in detail how gay Metal Strike Force is would probably take up a lot of room, and I'm not in the mood for filler tonight), so I'm going to let a picture speak for me. This isn't just any picture. Nooo, this is the masthead from Metal Strike Force! Anyway, I command you to look on as one of the worst mastheads ever aborted from Adobe Photoshop gets the ass-kicking it certainly deserves. Ow! Ow! Goddamn it! BITCH!...anyway, I think the masthead speaks for itself.
 By the way, if anyone thinks I'm stupid because I made fun of myself tonight, at least I haven't given you a blood bar. Besides, without introspection and evalution of one's own work, one cannot grow, in the metal scene or otherwise...and that's how Metallica, Moonspell and Sentenced went GAY, people!...fine, don't listen to me. Keep on listening to Meisterwerk I and don't bother me. I've got more important things to do tonight. Now, should I use the hacksaw...or the axe?
All right. I realize that the last time I did reviews, I pissed off some people at the Relapse UBB for not adhering to the strict policy of reviewing obscure brutal death metal and crap like that. I am rectifying that problem as I write this. Why, I'm starting to get promos I don't deserve again! How can ANY 'zine editor not like that? Why, it's a scam, and it's 100% LEGAL!...okay, I joke. Readers of Metal Strike Force (...ha!) will be saddened to know that I've done away with the half-marks, as they're not really a guide as to whether you yourself should buy an album or not. Anyway, the marks are based on a 5-point ratings scale, with One last note before I continue with the reviews: due to the fact that I cannot afford Internet access right now, few pictures of the albums in question will appear alongside their reviews. Of course, you don't need to know what the album looks like anyway. I mean, the title and the name of the album are right there! <Ren Impression> YOU BLOOOATED SACK OF PROTOPLASM! ARE YEW THAT MUCH OF AN EEEDIOT THAT YOU CAN'T WRITE SOMETHING DOWN?! YOU WORM!!! YOU FILTHY SWIIINE!!!!! </Ren Impression> Okay, I'm talking crazy. Now that everything's settled, let's begin. CAGED Well, the first album I am going to review for the revived Unbulova Ripoff is a hardcore release, and I'm sorry, but I'm having trouble not laughing at this. I can't really take tough-guy lyrics very seriously when they're being screamed by a guy with an abnormally high voice. Seriously, I know it's a hardcore release, but this album fails to impress me on all counts. I don't know what's worse: the Hardcore Youth Crew rapping lyrics alternately about how no one understands them and how they'll kick the shit out of anybody who does, the silly intro that introduces "on the rise," the frequent use of gangsta rap slang (though nowhere near as frequent as on Undaground Disciples, another Meathook casualty), or the admonition by vocalist Casey Korczyk in the thank-yous that goes "to all the fucks that made me realize I don't need you to live EAT SHIT!!!!!" I'm sorry, but I have to be honest: this is a shitty album. I realize all the hard work that went into the making of this album (the production values are good on Dead End), but this isn't my thing. I know, I got the album for free, so I really have to right to complain, but I'm just tryin' ta reprazent to my muthafuckaz in the sticks. Just keepin' it real, bro.
I'm not as qualified as a lot of people in the death metal scene to talk about what makes good doom metal (I passed up a chance to buy a used copy of Turn Loose the Swans a few years ago, I was such an idiot back then), but I know that this is a good goddamn album. Evoken plays doom with emphasis on the atmosphere and good ol' sludgy heaviness, and it shows. Dario Derma's keyboards should be noted here, as they add a truly gothic (and I mean truly gothic, not the gay kind found on bullshit black metal albums) atmosphere to the music. It is obvious that this album is well-written and very professionally played, and although it took me a good few listens to truly get into this album, once I got into it I began to appreciate its evil qualities. As for comparing it to My Dying Bride and Anathema? Well, I'm not familiar with Anathema, and I've never really gotten into My Dying Bride (yeah, I'm a poser -- what do you expect, I'm twenty), but in the face of such quality music, such quibbles mean nothing. This is the true sound of doom. I know, I'm sounding like Bill Zebub right now, but I have nothing else to say except GET THIS. NOW. JAWW This sounds like an album Adam "Doom" Sewell would champion. I've heard this band hyped so much ever since I read Adrian Bromley's review of Southbound way back in 1997 (yes, I was familiar with Adrian Bromley's work even then) in the first issue of Unrestrained! I wasn't really impressed with this album, unfortunately, but I have to hand it to Doug McLarty and company: they sure can play some decent blues-tinged death-rock in the Entombed/Monster Voodoo Machine vein. Indeed, I prefer Jaww to their competitors Damn 13 (simply because I felt The Dynamite Gospel sounded like a more punked-out Monster Voodoo Machine), since the vocals are more entertaining and fit the music being played. The album's very tight, and though, again, this style of music doesn't really interest me that much, I can appreciate what Jaww is doing on Lifetimebomb, and I'm glad to see that Jaww has enough pull to get Martin Popoff to do their album cover for them. By the way, I apologize to the band for reviewing this so late, but at least I did it...eventually. ODIOUS SANCTION Odious Sanction calls their music "Cleveland Stomp-Core." I like to call it Generic-Core. The cover art is a Generic face looking angry at me. Their lyrics are Generic ones about how life and society sucks (or is suck, the term they use here). The vocals are Generic hardcore vocals, sung way too high for my liking. The music seems like one Generic riff being repeated for twenty-three minutes, with a Generic blastbeat being overused and sounding, well, Generic. Even the album title is Generic (what are you guys Psychotically Enraged at? Everyone who is suck?) This album isn't bad, per se, but everything is so Generic about this album that I'm surprised Odious Sanction got signed to Unique Leader. I'm sorry, but I think Odious Sanction is suck! By the way, if any of you at Odious Sanction get offended at my review, please remember that I'm a Generic death metal fan, writing a Generic review for a Generic webzine, using Generic humour. I'm sure you guys understand. ODOR OF PEARS This is a goth release, and if that farts all over your face, do me a favour and go on to the next review. This is my webzine, and I'll review what I want. Anyway, this band is a goth band with electronic leanings, and though I don't think this album is overly impressive like the press bumpf says (not a slight to the band or anything, but if most albums were as good as their bios, then who'd be the bands that would suck?), this is still a very impressive album. The music is above-average goth, and the musicianship in this band is far above most bands I've heard who play this style (mind you, that's not many, but then again, I've heard enough stereotypical Love And Rockets ripoffs to turn me off of this style). The vocalist, Diana Blackwell, has a great voice, comparable to Deborah Harry, and her deep cabaret style is a refreshing change from the annoying British inflections I've heard in some goth bands lately. The album, of course, is drenched in electronics. They're not as experimental as those of Wisteria Losenge, but they're actually quite decent, and I like the treatment the guitars get throughout the album. Finally, the lyrics are a hoot to read, especially "Fuck Christianity" (i.e. the song uses quotes from the Bible to decry it -- quite fun). Again, this is not for everybody, but if you are open-minded and don't mind not being The Most Underground Fucker in the Underground, you should really check this band out. AXEL RUDI PALL I've had this album for a year, and I'm just getting around to reviewing it now. Kind of shows you how interesting this album is for me. For those unfamiliar with Axel Rudi Pell, suffice it to say he plays power metal. Unfortunately, he plays the bad kind of power metal, with cheesy lyrics, weak guitars, and the requisite Shrieking Vocalist (Johnny Gioeli, for all those interested). I hate this style of metal, I hate power ballads, and I hate Axel Rudi Pell. Unfortunately, I have to give this album the George Carlin treatment. What's the George Carlin treatment, you ask? Snap, crackle, FUCK AXEL RUDI PELL. By the way, this is Axel Rudi Pell's eleventh album, and the previous ten albums sound exactly like this one. It makes one want to test out the gag reflex. CZORT Most people have probably noticed the way I'm trying to ape The Grimoire of Exalted Deeds for the revival of The Unbulova Ripoff. That said, a small part of me wants to make fun of these guys, since they are from Poland, but I'll abstain from making Polack jokes, since I'm not a ripoff. Of course, I can still make fun of the music, because (Alvin Wee's comments notwithstanding) I don't think these two demos are all that great. Waiting For...? is the weaker of the two albums, musically. I don't find anything wrong with the instrumentation on the album -- purely heavy power/thrash metal as things go -- but the vocals ruin everything for me. Damian Baldys' vocals are decent, but incredibly cheesy, and the same goes for the less effective backing vocals of Chris Michalak and Jarek Sowka. Music like this demands gruffer, louder, more angry vocals, and I just don't think that Baldys' vocals fit the mold of what I'm expecting from this style of metal. Waiting For...? is decent enough musically, but the vocals need some work. Flash forward a year and a minor name change. To Provoke and To Tempt kicks Waiting For...?'s ass musically, as the new stuff is firmly rooted in thrash metal, and is a hundred times more brutal. There's a drop-out during the ninth song (I don't know whether this was intentional or not -- I hope it was intentional), and the production is worse on To Provoke and To Tempt. The vocals have (incredibly) become worse, and thus any progress between the two demos is negated by Baldys' vocals. I think the vocals need to improve -- a lot -- but everything else on To Provoke and To Tempt (notwithstanding the Korn-isms that bookend the tenth song) is decent. To sum up, if Baldys and the backing vocalists take the time to improve their singing voices, Chort can become a decent band, because the talent is there. Again, this isn't great stuff, but it's a hundred times better than the weak shit passed off as thrash nowadays. If you're a thrash metal fan, it wouldn't hurt to pick up these two demos, if you can look past the vocals. Of course, I'm never going to look at Alvin Wee's reviews the same way again. SCENE KILLER With the demise of Man's Ruin Records, MeteorCity has become the big label for stoner rock, and Scene Killer is proof of that. This band is a supergroup of sorts, with members from bands like Core, The Atomic Bitchwax and Monster Magnet. All told, members of sixteen bands came together and recorded some tracks over the years for this project. It's obvious that this is a side project, as the album really doesn't have much focus to it, and the individual songs differ in sound from song to song (though I suspect that was the intent of all who participated in Scene Killer). It's a decent enough album, with a few decent songs on it (I think "Island Zero" could reasonably become the theme song to a television show, preferably one with naked chicks and Mr. T beating the shit out of Hulk Hogan). This is not as great, of course, as some of the bands that contribute to this project, but I don't think it was anyone's intention to make this album any more than an open-ended jam session. I can live with that. Of course, if it's stoner supergroups you want, then The Men Of Porn would probably fit the bill better than Scene Killer. I know, I really shouldn't be mentioning bands on competing labels, but hey, I have to give credit where credit is due. OPERA IX I recommend that anybody sick of Microsoft Internet Exploiter or Netscape 6 download Opera 5. The size of the download is less than two megabytes, it's free (yes, it never used to be but it is now, to compete with the aforementioned browsers better), and it's more versatile than either Netscape or Internet Exploiter. Oh...wait, sorry...really? Oh, we're talking about Opera IX? My mistake. Anyway, this album is yet another lame mid-paced black metal album, with the gimmick of a female lead singer. She grunts, too! How special. Seriously, it would be nice if the vocalist (in bullshit black metal fashion, known only as Cadaveria) didn't have such a hideous voice. Whenever she's not attempting shitty black metal grunts, she sings exactly like Courtney Love. As for the music, it's just basic thrashy mid-paced stuff with shitty keyboards, lame kick-drum pedalling (it would be a blast-beat, but Flegias, the drummer, doesn't really put enough effort in his drumming for the music to even get that close), and bullshit black metal rhythms. It all adds up to so much carnival music perfect for gay orgies and shoving balloon animals up your rectum. The lyrics are also incredibly lame. Christ, she could be talking about Ploobis and Scred making the journey to see The Mighty Favog and I wouldn't care. Finally, this shit sandwich ends with a cover of "Bela Lugosi's Dead" which is half as good and twice as lame as the original. This is another album I neglected to review for a year, but if you've heard the album, can you really blame me? COMPOS MENTIS This is one of those rare cases when I don't really like the style of the music the band is playing, but I can find nothing at fault with the music itself. Compos Mentis is a Swedish band, and they play decent melodic death metal with symphonic black metal leanings. I'm not a fan of Swedish melodic death metal or symphonic black metal, and this album has its feet in both genres, but it's not really a shit sandwich, despite the mark I gave it. This didn't have an effect on me, understand. The band is really a decent, professional band. The melodic stuff on here is really well composed, the vocals are decent, and the keyboards aren't annoying as they usually are in black metal, but it's a case of "it's not you, it's me." I'm more of a brutal death-type lover myself, but I think the band is decent for what it is. If this sort of shit doesn't float like crap in your toilet, then I can hardly see the point of buying the album, but there is a definite audience for this stuff. If you're a fan of In Flames, then you could do much worse than picking Quadrology of Sorrow up. UNDAGROUND DICKSCIPLES I realize that if this were a more professional webzine, I wouldn't be reviewing things that are three years old, but Meathook sent four albums for review, and by fuck I'm going to review every one of them. This has to be one of the stupidest albums I've ever heard. The bio for this album referred to this as being "real hardcore" mixed with "real rap." No, that's Body Count. This is the usual hardcore with MC's coming up with the same ignorant shit that I've heard from way too many rap bands. Can somebody tell me how speaking in Ebonics and singing in a retarded half-scream makes you more in tune with the inner-city? Sheesh. If Kool Keith and Lee Ving got together and formed a band, THAT would be "the shit." THIS stuff is just shit. I know, making fun of these bands is like shooting fish in a barrel, but hey, if they're going to attract attention to themselves... Well, that's it for this week! In the next issue, I will be reviewing the really new submissions. See you next time, and remember, if you're in a band and you get pissed off because I gave your album a negative review, I'm only doing this for shits and giggles, so please don't send me letters telling me that you're going to kick my ass. Thin-skinned people bother me so much...
All right. This section deals with albums that either haven't been submitted to The Unbulova Ripoff at one point or another in this webzine's storied history (in which I've named the webzines The Cameron Archer Episodes, The Ziff-Davis Pornoweb, The Unbulova Ripoff or Metal Strike Force -- that's right, I'm admitting that MSF was The UbR with a different title and a more mainstream focus, like the poser I am) and/or are too old to be included in the reviews section anyway. Some of these albums I have reviewed before in the hallowed pages of The UbR, but since I didn't know how to review albums then, I've decided to give them a better review here, for the revival of The UbR. Some of these reviews, though, are of albums I have not reviewed yet. Anyway, sit back, open a can of malt liquor, and yell at your computer whilst calling me a poser. I enjoy such entertainment. It's fun. KORN No, I'm not a poser. I'm not reviewing this because it kicks ass. I'm reviewing it because the last time I reviewed Life Is Peachy, I gave it a seven out of ten, and I want to, uh, correct that mistake. This album also teaches the lesson of what happens when bands pander to their fans' demands too much. This album came after Korn's successful self-titled debut album, and right away the warning signs go off that it was rushed. I don't understand why anybody would put out Life Is Peachy as a follow-up to a successful album, because it proves just how product-oriented major label releases are. Even though their debut album (which, by the way, I haven't heard, aside from three or four of the singles) wasn't that great, at least you could tell they took their time putting that album out. Of course, they threw that sound away and focused on a faster, more cartoonish sound for Life Is Peachy. The songs, of course, sound as contrived as Korn songs are, with the guitars sounding amateurishly played and awash in processing, creating a sound that I like to call Evil Primus. Indeed, no one, aside from the drummer, has much talent in Korn. Jonathan Davis' whining/scat-singing voice is grating after five minutes, and why he is still using it in 2001, I don't know. Of course, all these elements pale in comparison to the reason Life Is Peachy is such a bad album: the lyrics. Let's take some time trying to find the themes within the lyrics. Okay, "Twist"...Jonathan Davis sings "Twist" and scat-sings for 49 seconds. What writing talent. "Chi" has Jonathan Davis talking about how "hurt" he is. "Mr. Rogers" is a haunting little ditty about how Davis' life wasn't like how Mr. Rogers made childhood seem to be, what with him being abused as a child. Touching. "K@#�%!" predates the South Park revolution, what with Jonathan Davis swearing and all! RATSCUMCANCERFUCK!!! "A.D.I.D.A.S." is both a song about masturbation and a plug for Adidaswear. (Jonathan Davis is such a cute little capitalist.) Continue on with the bullshit, so on and so forth. To wit, half of these songs are Writing Exercises committed to paper, another two are covers (by the way, how do people like Max Cavalera gravitate from real metal to nü-metal, anyway? Could somebody explain that to me?), and the rest of the songs all deal with the pain of being abused as a child! Oh, the PAIN!!! No one LIKES ME!!!!! I WAS TEASED BECAUSE OF MY SCRAWNY BUILD!!!!! MY MOTHER RAPED ME!!!!!!! WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! THE PAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Honestly, it's more than 45 minutes of pure, unadulterated shit on a shiny, plastic-coated aluminum disc, and yet this album sold more than a million copies. I don't get it. Finally, I must mention the fact that this is an "enhanced CD." On the CD, there is a movie file of Korn performing "Good God" at the "Astoria Ballroom." Jonathan Davis stands there shirtless trying to emote while the rest of the band shows off the bounce and body of their well-conditioned, dreadlocked hair. There's also a 30-day trial for an Internet service provider that probably went bankrupt four years ago. People were stupid about the Internet back in those days. To summarize, Life Is Peachy hasn't aged well, in part because of the fact that it was a half-assed, poorly written album, but mostly because Korn sucks, Korn has always sucked, and Korn will continue to suck until the band breaks up. I'm sorry for not being more objective, but I have changed so much since I bought this album almost four years ago, musically and otherwise. Two and a half years after I originally reviewed Life Is Peachy, the album sits festering in a pile of CDs I want to sell, to forever gather dust, a reminder of what I once was, and what I have become.
The last time I reviewed this album (May 8, 2000, to be precise), I compared this album to Billy the Cat. Of course, I was still in my "I hate gore" phase, so nothing I really said until March 2001 has any merit. I still used to hate the album until a few weeks ago, when I realized I was singing the many classic songs from this album. It was time to be honest with myself: I love this album now. Even though I'm more a fan of the songs Cannibal Corpse did during the Chris Barnes era (let's face it, "Stripped, Raped & Strangled" and "Hammer Smashed Face" will still be classics of the genre even when the reviewers from Exclaim! go to Hell and be forced to listen to an eternity of Six Feet Under), this is still a great album. I still hate George "Corpsegrinder" Fisher's vocals (how come so many people hated Mike DiSalvo's vocals when he became lead grunter for Cryptopsy, yet no one seems to have a problem with Fisher's vocals, which are almost as annoying?), but most of the things that make Cannibal Corpse who they are can still be found: the catchy music, the heaviness, the undeniably cheesy lyrics (although the rather oblique titles like "I Cum Blood" are nowhere to be found -- I miss that about Cannibal Corpse) and the sense of fun that has always been a part of this band -- mind you, it's the fun of murdering someone and ripping out their entrails, but it's good evil fun nonetheless. Some reviewers might not get Cannibal Corpse (and I used to be one of those people), but they're looking through prejudices. Who cares if Cannibal Corpse have "sold out?" Eleven years into their career, Cannibal Corpse still play decent death metal, and anyone who's a fan of death metal will realize that. Simply put, get this now. Anyway, that's enough reviewing for today. In the issues to come, I will be reviewing (hopefully) my entire collection of CDs (okay, that's a pipe dream, but it doesn't hurt to try), and in the immediate future I will be reviewing Dark Angel's "Darkness Descends," Carbonized's "Disharmonization," Cabaret Voltaire's "Johnny Yesno" soundtrack, and a whole lot of other wonderful shit. I'll be honest with you people, I don't have a lot of really really brutal shit, but don't go around calling me a fag because I don't. Of course, I have a feeling some of you will be sending me hate mail for being a homo and reviewing Korn, so go ahead and send some hate mail. I need something to laugh at, anyway.
GONTER WHO Uh, yeah, that's right, I have no life. Just download them, they're fucking funny. Sheesh, you've read this far into the webzine... Anyway, I thought I'd share another Gonterlink with the readers, since this guy is more metal than metal. He has a MULLET, people!... THE GONTERMAN SHRINE GRENDEL TEUFEL'S TOMB ETERNAL FROST BIG ONES FAGCORE THE CRASS MENAGERIE MOSHING 101 TALES FROM URANUS PORTAL OF EVIL Finally, I really want to feature a link from one of my good friends Emerson Shiff, so here it is: THE OLD PUNKS WEB ZINE
If you want your album, demo or 'zine reviewed in another edition of The Unbulova Ripoff, just send your shit to: THE UNBULOVA RIPOFF
My e-mail address is [email protected]. For the simple reason that I want to see how many of you are not lazy, I no longer have a guestbook. Okay, Bernard Edwards keeps posting on my guestbook, but come on, most of you are too lazy to say hi to me anyway otherwise. Sheesh. Anyway, hopefully I'll have some hate mail to pass along to you by the next three issues. If I don't, I'll have to insult some of you to get some hate mail. You can't hold out on me forever. Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed The Unbulova Ripoff. Thank you for reading this, thank you for your time, and God Bless America. 
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Of course, now that I'm doing The UbR again, I want to say some things that have been on my mind for some time. The webzine is called The Unbulova Ripoff. Almost every time it's linked to another 'zine, someone spells the name wrong. Are you people fucking blind? I don't spell the thing wrong. I write the fucking name of the 'zine eighteen hundred times, and there are people -- even 
being the worst mark and 
being the best. It's so easy, even I on half a bottle of Japanese rice wine can figure that out (and Japanese rice wine is eighty percent proof...too bad I can't do that anymore).
EVOKEN
BOTH DEMOS
CANNIBAL CORPSE
©2001 Sweetpea Entertainment. Please do not copy anything from my site. Even if you wanted to.