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#6. 25 QUESTIONS ABOUT THE MUSIC SCENE: 2004 EDITION

1. Why are some people against MP3s as a whole because "it doesn't help support the band/label?" It costs $2-$4 to actually manufacture a CD. If you want to support a band, write them. Buy the band's albums. Give money to the band. Pay for the band's touring bills. "Support" is the most ambiguous catchword in history next to "infectious grooves."

2. Why are a lot of popular 'zine writers either flaks for the PR business or lecherous people with incredibly out-of-touch opinions about the music world and music in general? I can't understand why PR people write for 'zines in the first place. They're there to hype bands, not be credible writers.

3. Why haven't the major labels financially collapsed yet? It's not like they have a reason to exist anymore.

4. Whatever happened to credibility in arts reporting? I know it was bad at the best of times, but nowadays it seems like everything can be dumbed down to "if you like stuff we don't like YOU MUST BE STUPID." If you don't instantly like The Gay you're screwed, basically.

5. Why does Michael Barclay exist? Does he have a reason to?

6. Why does Ben Rayner exist? Seriously, I have no reason to believe a music critic that bad could be writing for the Toronto Star. He wrote for the Ottawa Sun, fer chrissakes.

7. Should I ditch my writing style, pretend to be a serious music critic and write for "serious" magazines like Kerrang! or Metal Maniacs? It seems you're not taken seriously as a music critic unless you pretend relatively easily available indie-label material is "underground" and almost anything below that is worthless and/or "demo material." I'm obviously doing this whole criticism thing wrong.

8. Could somebody explain rap to me? How do you devolve from Public Enemy to Buck 65 ass-kissing/worship? Am I to believe Halifax the mecca of Canadian rap? Oh, the major labels scouted that scene out, my mistake.

9. Why do some people have an aversion to funny music reviews? Mark Prindle is probably the most entertaining music critic around (next to Cameron Archer, of course) and half of what he writes about doesn't even relate to the music in question. Waitaminute, I just answered my own question. Man, I'm just not there sometimes.

10. Why is it considered deviant to act different from what's already out there in the music scene while some 'zine people (you know who you are) complain about how weak and talentless the scene is compared to the "golden age" of said scene? Aren't you 'zine people looking for this sort of deviancy or are you striking poses as usual?

11. Speaking of which, why is it considered somehow bad to be a musician/music reviewer in 2004 when the music scene was so much better ten years ago? Seriously, I see more than a few people complaining about how 1992 was good since it was harder to do a 'zine, not everybody was hacking up some two-bit web site, Eric's Trip Change of Heart etc. Are you guys bitter because your scene was co-opted? Maybe you should take off those rose-coloured glasses of yours, they make you see in Gay-O-Vision. I'm not kidding.

12. Does Spin have any use as anything anymore? Cripes, the paper in that thing is so glossy it doesn't even make half-decent toilet paper. Dammit, I want to be able to clean my ass on that mag while saying "wiping the Strokes, wipe wipe wipe" in a falsetto and not have to deal with poop bouncing off the page. At least Rolling Stone keeps using that half-glossy paper. Rolling Stone is hardcore like that.

Try Our Beer

13. Anyone else besides me waiting for the print revival of Creem? Sure, the mag's had its duff periods and is pretty much a relic of the 1970's but that mag is the only one that gave thrash metal and Black Sabbath any damn respect as yer more mainstream mags go. Granted, I may be caught up in false nostalgia but...well...stoner and garage rock revivals. I rest my case.

14. Britney Spears jokes are the easiest things to come up with. Why are people still beating that dead whore? More to the point, who's the yob from Bumville, Arkansas who thinks those jokes are still funny? SHITT-NEY...BEERS HAHAHAHAHA ugh

15. Isn't reviewing stuff on a label owned by the same person who does a 'zine a conflict of interest? Why do some 'zines do it in the first place? Kind of screws the integrity quotient a little, don't ya think?

16. Why are the smaller music fanzines always the ones that make their scene run? I'm serious, there isn't a widely-distributed music 'zine aside from Metal Rules! that doesn't have that whole glossy "WE LOVE THE UNDERGROUND! but only if you advertise in our mag" attitude to it. Okay, that's a generalisation, but when has a death metal band made a huge splash without logging at least five years of music practice first? Don't say Decapitated, either. Those kids come from a bleedin' music school, for chrissakes!

17. Why aren't more people using Ogg Vorbis? You should. Okay, maybe I don't myself...yet.

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18. Why the hell is the ENTIRE CBC RADIO 3 SITE IN FLASH? Could someone explain to me the use of the Shockwave Flash format for anything besides Flash movies? I don't get it. Then again, I don't get CBC Radio 3's love-on for the more urban of musics, either. At least campus radio has some semblance of actual diversity. Sheesh.

19. Why do Europeans respect extreme metal more than North Americans do? Perhaps it's due to the majority of mainstream media outlets here in North America who love to use the generalisation. Seriously, I may come across as bitter because bands like All is Suffering aren't moving millions of units - not like they should; extreme metal is always going to have a cult-only fanbase - but there's still something to this sub-genre of metal that's made me listen since the mid-1990's. Maybe people like me and the fanzines make it too cartoonish. Hard to say, really.

20. Why is it the majority of blacks in metal tend to come from South America? Do North Americans like their stereotypes too much or does rap have that too-cartoonish air to it and promise of dolla dolla that appeals to blacks? Never mind the fact that gangsta rap appeals most to suburban white kids, let's keep up the "whites are dorks" stereotypes. Gangstas be urban Vikings, yo.

21. Where did "blacks listen to black music" come from, anyway? It may be true to some extent, but what the hell is "black music" anymore? It ain't the blues, it ain't hip-hop/rap, it ain't jazz and it ain't rock and roll. The only black music being played these days is what black people play in the first place. Dammit, where are the blacks in black metal? RACISTS.

22. Is spoken word really worth charging $10 or more an album just to hear a guy speak for seventy minutes? Shit, I could become a spoken word artist. I just need to have a worthless life and be addicted to heroin. Easy money right there, despite the sacrifices. Maybe I need to be a riot grrrl. Either or.

23. Would you be embarrassed to have these pictures attached to your bio? Bromley with beer

This guy isn't. Guess who he is.

24. Why do some people charge more than $20 a month for banner ads? There's underground and then there's just price gouging. Hell, I recently wrote to Brave Words & Bloody Knuckles for banner ad rates and it's $250US/$300CDN a month to put a 468 by 60 banner on the front page of the BW&BK website. Granted, BW&BK gets a lot of hits and is read by a lot of people but I've seen full-page ad rates in comparable music 'zines priced at less than that. Un-fucking-believable, really.

25. Did I bore you with this column? If not, good. If so, good. At least you read it. Now give me $250US, jerk.