The 2004 Reviews Section: Zao, All Else Failed (2003)

ZAO

ALL ELSE FAILED (2003)
SOLID STATE, 2003

AN IMPORTANT DISCUSSION BETWEEN ME AND MY DÖPPELGANGER, BY CAMERON ARCHER

ME: Damn, this album sucks.
EVIL ME: Oh, come on. You obviously haven't listened to this album enough. I think it's one of the best albums of 2003, seriously.
ME: Well, of course you'd say that you stupid shit. You're a whore for Exclaim!
EVIL ME: I can't help it if people recognise me for my studious reviews. I mean, I think they're doing a great service to music and I'm an important part of the aggressive music scene.
ME: Which means you're a whore for every metalcore band that comes along? That's great. Dude, you're writing for the same people who still employ dipshits like Greg Pratt, Michael Barclay and Chris Gramlich.
EVIL ME: If you were more positive you'd probably be more successful, like me. Seriously, I found All Else Failed to be an aggressive album, combining the ferocity of Zao's hard-to-find 1996 album with the maturity and focused brutality of the band's later releases.
ME: It's monotonous thrash metal with poorly screamed vocals, for fuck's sake. Just because Zao plays at a slow tempo doesn't mean Zao is automatically the most amazing band in the world as you seem to believe.
EVIL ME: Maybe if you showed a little more intelligence and an open mind, you'd understand this album better. Seriously, what album showed more poetic lyricism contrasted with such stultifying brutality this year? It's hard to figure how Zao manages to be this good considering the number of times they've broken up.
ME: It's thrash with shitty vocals. I don't care about the band's Christian leanings, I just can't fathom this album. For the life of me I can't understand what the hell you see in these albums. It's like you parrot every media kit and every word from Lambgoat and you push these bands to greatness. I'm just being honest, I can't be arsed to like this album because it bored the shit out of me. Also, the vocalist sounds like he's performing his own dentistry.
EVIL ME: You're just jealous. You've never played an instrument. How the hell can you even criticise this album anyway?
ME: It's my own subjective opinion.
EVIL ME: Maybe you think so, but then you don't get paid for spouting off your biased bullshit.
ME: Dude, you're an asshole.
EVIL ME: You're calling me an asshole? You're a fucking idiot.
ME: Well thair, looks like I'm gonna have to go all Bradshaw on yer ass!
EVIL ME: What the hell are you doing?
ME: (pulls down pants and underwear) I'M GONNA MAKE YEW SQUEAL LIKE A PIG, BOAH!
EVIL ME: You're a sick faggot!
(I chase after Evil Me hoping to gain entry into his, uh, back door as the scene ends.

Great writing, huh? No wonder I'm depressed...)

ZAO
http://www.zaoonline.com/

SOLID STATE RECORDS
PO Box 12698
Seattle, WA
98111
http://www.solidstaterecords.com/