#9.  A GENERIC HATE-FILLED RANT ABOUT POSEURS
 
Well, it's time for another shitty Unbelievably Retarded article that you know and love.  Instead of writing a decent, scholarly article about the use of religion in Superfriends or rehashing press releases and calling that "news," I've decided to write another crappy article ready to be talked about on the Metal-Rules.com forums.  Enjoy!
 
I've always wondered why people in the metal scene feel they have to use the numbers 666 or 13 as part of their e-mail addresses (example: [email protected], [email protected]).  I find that nonsensical in a way, because those numbers are the most uncreative numbers anyone could come up with.  Are you trying to seem that more evil?  It kind of defeats the purpose when every possible "evil-sounding" name is taken and metalheads are forced to come up with combinations like [email protected] or [email protected].  There aren't a lot of cool-sounding e-mail addresses out there once all modifiers of the word "metal" have been exhausted.  Granted, "ilikepuppies666" sounds subversive, but still.
 
What is it with "brutal" death metal/goregrind fans and their obsession with cocks?  Are cocks "brutal" in some way?  It's never a normal penis, either, it's a HUGE BLOOD-ENGORGED COCK WITH ITS SKIN TORN OFF.  I've always found that...well, gay.  The bizarre thing is, some people will use this imagery and then turn around and proclaim themselves "anti-faggot."  Is there some sort of reverse psychology involved?  If so, are 95% of the people in the goregrind scene secretly homosexual?  Yeah, that's right, I've outed you, you fucking poofters.  Now drop on all fours and go make me some coffee, bitch.
 
Why is "fast" black metal never fast?  "Fast" BM is always a blastbeat hooked to bar notes and quarter/eighth notes with some undersexed yob screaming in an effeminate voice about wolves and fairies and stuff Clive Barker used to enjoy writing about back when he wasn't trying to turn every book he ever wrote into a movie.  Now, with grindcore, I get fast.  With death metal, I get fast.  With thrash, I get medium speed with breakdowns.  With black metal, I always get slow with a blastbeat.  I guess the "necro" aspects of that sub-genre go right past me.
 
Haven't all modifiers of the word "metal" been used as part of the name of some inconsequential 'zine?  Does using that name make the 'zine rock harder or something?  Granted, I don't like when someone uses the name of a song as the name of a 'zine, either, but at least that's more original than something like "Metal Butts" or "Heavy Metal Fisting."  You want to know the worst 'zine I ever did?  Go on.  Take a huge guess.  Next week, the name of this 'zine will be changed to Metal Goatse.  I can't imagine anything rocking harder than that.
 
I love the fact that death metal and black metal bands have named themselves after every minor demon in the Christian faith, Lovecraft creation and/or eeevil-sounding Latin name in the book.  Personally, I find it easy to come up with a kick-ass DM/BM name.  All you have to do is take an evil-sounding Latin name, say rattus, and merge it with another evil-sounding Latin name, oh let's say christi.  There you go, a new name: Rattus Christi.  Hell, here's the name of your first demo: Mutandine Commestibili Sathanas.  Now go practice your first four songs for three years and get the hell away from me.
 
Can anyone tell me why forums suck so bad on the whole?  I've always wondered how someone can post tens of thousands of messages on forums and messageboards and not realize how utterly gay that is.  I do frequent a few forums, and I have have been a regular on said forums, but I have never been in a position where I've wasted precious bandwidth on thousands of meaningless posts, eight hundred of which contain smilies .  Face it, if your life consists of posting sixteen messages a day to a forum or a messageboard, and you've been doing it every day for at least the last six months, please fisk yourself with a baseball bat.  Also, go to sleep every once in a few days. 
 
I am sick of people who aren't in the metal scene who have this perception of the genre as forty-five bands that sound like Winger or someone trying badly to imitate Brian Johnson.  The only two accurate portrayals of the genre were on television shows, specifically The Simpsons and Whose Line Is It Anyway?  Yes, yes, we're all dirtballs who like to give'r.  Paradoxically, I saw Sepultura on Open Mike with Mike Bullard once.  How the hell did that happen?
 
Why the hell do goregrind bands still use samples from Evil Dead, Natural Born Killers, Halloween or Full Metal Jacket?  What is it, you can't get enough of those movies?  Damn it, mix it up a little.  I bet none of you have included samples from any Andy Milligan or Joe D'Amato films.  Don't go for the obvious all the time!  Personally, one minute of Milligan is more metal than six hours of anything John Carpenter's ever done.  BANG YOUR HEAD FOR MILLIGAN!
 
Does anybody really like the way noisecore is trumpeted these days as THE NEW FACE OF HEAVY MUSIC?  Screw the jazzgrind bands trying to get a break in the metal scene.  To hell with those who would dare try to put out a weird death metal album in the vein of Carbonized or Atheist.  While we're at it, who gives a shit about Devin Townsend, either?  No, THE FUTURE OF HEAVY MUSIC LIES IN THE LAPS OF BANDS LIKE KNUT AND THE DILLINGER ESCAPE PLAN.  I understand arty hardcore has its place, but that place is the punk scene.  Any genre of music should be given at least five years to weed out the crap in its respective scene, and then we'll talk about whether mislabeled math-rock/hardcore fusion deserves to be talked about alongside grindcore and extreme Finnish symphonic black metal.  Can't you tell how much I like noisecore?
 
Is it guilty to admit you like punk in the metal scene?  Hell, every five years some punk influence seeps into the metal scene, or punk starts becoming ultra-fast or something.  Hell, thrash, grindcore and death metal wouldn't exist without punk, and yet there's still somewhat of an anti-punk sentiment in the metal scene.  I'm not really that surprised, given how punks sort of mirror an anti-metal sentiment.  The question is, is punk the exact antithesis of metal or do all paths eventually lead to Dirty Rotten Imbeciles in the grand scheme of things?  (Okay, this is a stupid question, but I needed an excuse to link to D.R.I.  I will now also link to Day Glo Abortions and Bunchofuckingoofs.  Fuck Shit Up!)
 
Does anyone read the editorial section of any 'zine, ever?  If by some chance someone does, aren't three-quarters of every editorial ever written the most boring things ever put to pen and/or 'puter?  "I ate some cookies and slam-danced HARD to the new Abhorrent CD.  That band kicks fucking ass.  Anyway, I met this fucking goth shit named Alec and he was being a fag, telling me how cool those homos in Boysetsfire were, so I beat his fucking ass and banged my head to some shit from United Guttural!  JESUS CAN DIE AND GO TO HELL!  HAIL SATAN!!!   Help destroy the POSERS in your scene!  Send me some shit.  Love, analtim"  Most people cut right to the reviews and the interviews.  After all, the editorial only exists because it has to.
 
Why is the term "intelligent" metal bandied about sometimes, and why is it hooked to crap like Biohazard and Rage Against The Machine?  Singing about something other than war, death and/or Satan does not automatically make the band "intelligent."  If I grunted brainless epithets about how Dubya is the most evil man on the planet, and how the world's going to hell because of "faceless, soulless corporations," that does not mean I am intelligent.  Believe it or not, there are bands in the metal genre that manage to write decent lyrics without sacrificing the elements that make the genre what it is.  I'm starting to sound like the Hardradio history of metal, so I'm going to shut up at this point.
 
I'm always enamored of someone who thinks that me listening to Sea of Green or Halford equals me being homosexual in some way.  Okay, so I listen to Resurrection sometimes.  How does that equate to me sucking dick?  The fact that some people can claim to only listen to the most brutal of the brutal and that anybody who doesn't can go get AIDS and die is so cute.  I admit it, I don't listen to metal 26.66 hours a day.  At the same time, I do admit it.  Don't the people that claim to be WARRIORS OF METAL seem a little...gay?  I realize opinions are opinions, and if people think this site is gay and that I somehow am attracted to people with large schlongs, fine.  Still, doesn't worrying about your image make you a poseur somehow?  I just find the contradiction a bit strange, but what do I know.  After all, I may not always be right but I am never wrong.

CAMERON ARCHER, THE GREAT CANADIAN POSEUR
1.29.2003