"Your life sucks. I'm glad I'm not you."

#11. INTERVIEW TROUGH: KEVIN STEWART-PANKO, 'ZINE WHORE EXTRAORDINARE

This is the first new interview I have written for UR (but it won't be the last, I can guarantee you that). Kevin Stewart-Panko has all of the earmarks of what some people consider a poseur - he writes for Metal Maniacs and Terrorizer and used to write for Exclaim!, among others - but at the same time, he has been in the world of metal music journalism for more than fifteen years. Think about it - how many people have that sort of longevity when it comes to writing about how the new Gruesome Stuff Relish album sucks? Off the top of my head, I can say Chris Forbes of Metal-Core and the guy who does Slayer (Metalion). That's about it. Some Toronto-area people may remember Spanky (as I like to call him) for Doomhauled and his stint with Association Area. Others are rolling their eyes, giving my site the finger and saying "this is fucking gay." No matter. Kevin Stewart-Panko wrote the longest fucking interview answers in the history of man, so how can I not publish this interview for UR? Sit back and enjoy. Just don't complain if the interview's too long, though. I'm not the one who turned the answers to these questions into a fucking thesis paper.

1. What have you been up to lately and what, exactly, are you selling and/or working on these days? I can't imagine it's much, since Metal Maniacs and a few hundred other 'zines seem to keep you busy and out of the "underground."

Firstly, I'm not selling anything. There might have been a time when I attempted to sell my ass to travelling business women passing through town and looking for a little dark meat action and making use of their executive suites/eventual tax write offs and to brighten their otherwise dreary days, but if you take a look at Joe Buck from Midnight Cowboy then you've pretty much seen how successful I was at whoring, except I didn't wear cowboy boots and I have no illusions that I actually know the first thing about pleasing women... [This is the first in a number of Stewart-Panko Brand^® run-on sentences. Try to keep your eyes from glazing over. | UR] Actually, I've been super busy with all manner of everything. My wife and I recently had our first (and last) child. And because having a kid isn't a stressful enough event, we decided to move a month after he was born. As far as my writing work goes, I'm freelancing for Terrorizer (UK), Metal Maniacs (USA), Unrestrained! (CAN) [You poor man. | UR], Extreme Noise (AUS) and Throat Culture (USA), the last two I actually scored work with over the X-mas holidays. Don't let anyone ever tell you you can't get anything done, except weight gain, over the holidays. [Here's a great way to not gain weight over the holidays...don't fucking eat as much. That's a little tip from Mr. Fatty Liver over here. | UR] Out of the underground? I guess that's dependent on how you define underground. Personally, I can't be bothered to worry about whether a particular band or 'zine is underground or not. I was under the impression that the fact that I still write about bands signed to indie labels for magazines that, while glossy in appearance, still have fanzine attitudes (for the most part) meant that I was still involved in the underground. [Actually, that question was asked half-jokingly. Personally, the word 'underground' is abused so much I don't think the term has a real meaning anymore. | UR] If your definition of underground means bands only release 75 copies of their material on super hard to find vinyl, then I guess I'm not underground 'cuz I don't have a turntable. [Well, I do. Guess I'm more underground than you. Poser. | UR] Then again, the only band I've ever interviewed that was on a major label was Megadeth and that was right around the time Rust In Peace came out, something like 13 years ago.

2. How do you find the underground 'zine scene as of late? Is it shitty? Is it great? Is there anything worth wasting $7/€7/$25CDN on, or is the "metal scene" basically hundreds of people trading 'zines with each other?

It's funny you should seek out my infinite wisdom on this particular topic as ever since joining the Metal Maniacs crew I have been responsible for the monthly 'zine review column, so if there's anything out there worth checking out, I might be able to tell you. But, my short term memory has been pretty shitty as of late, so I might not be of any use to anybody. Don't worry, that's not the first time that's been said about me. Actually, going back to the early days of metal and hardcore, the 'zine scene has always been hit and miss. I think the difference back then was that because metal and hardcore got zero mainstream coverage (unless some Man Of The Cloth was ranting on about Satanism in rock music and trying to organize local bonfires using your record collection), [Metal and hardcore get mainstream coverage now? I haven't seen Gruesome Stuff Relish on Saturday Night Live recently. | UR] you didn't see the bands of the day anywhere but the fanzines. Because of that, readers were more willing to put up with shitty 'zines with tons of spelling mistakes and inky reproductions. Also, with technology as advanced, available and simple as it is these days, you have to be pretty retarded not to be able to put together a reasonable product. [Well, there are also variables like how much of your ass you put into your 'zine, but what do I know. | UR] Because of this, and the fact that some of the most "underground" bands out there are capable of scoring mentions in national glossies and that a lot of 'zines end up with similar content because of label publicists knocking down every door they can find, 'zine readers have become more fickle as to what they'll spend their cash on. Not to mention that everyone and his sister seems to be running a webzine. [Yeah, but do most people continue doing webzines after one or two years? Personally, I'm amazed I stuck around for four. | UR] This has also taken away from people wanting to actually shell out cash for a 'zine. Personally, I'm not a real fan of sitting and staring at my computer unless some form of sexual activity is being engaged in on screen, but that's just me. I'm more into reading on the bus, on the throne, lying on the couch, etc. Damned if I'm going to spend a whole bunch of cash I don't have on a laptop just so I can read bad webzines while taking a dump. [What kind of idiot would take a laptop into the bathroom? That whole shock hazard thing seems a mite counterproductive, doesn't it? | UR] Having said all that, some of the publications that've blown me away in the last few months have been: Bearing Edge (a 'zine about drummers); Hanging Like A Hex; Chord; Slave; Worm Gear; Den of Iniquity; Snakepit; Mandragora [I think Doctor Who edits that 'zine. I'm not sure. | UR]; Extreme Noise, Throat Culture and Eclipse. Online, I'd have to go with Aversionline.com [A lot of work seems to be put into that 'zine but I think it's overrated. | UR], digitalmetal.com, live4metal.com and, of course, metalsludge.com. [I used to be a fan of Metal Sludge until the novelty wore flat. There's only so much Warrant-bashing one can take before one realises they're recycling the same six bits over and over again. I like Infernal Combustion myself. | UR]

3. How's the reaction been to the articles you've done for Metal Maniacs and Unrestrained!, among other 'zines? Overwhelmingly negative, I presume?

You'd be surprised! Most of the reaction has been pretty positive over the years and most of the negative reactions I get fall into different categories of people: 1) bands/labels whose releases I've slammed. Most bands take it in stride - they understand that not everybody is going to like what they do - but there have been a few instances where I've been threatened indirectly or dropped from some labels' mailing list. My stock response to people who react to negative reviews is: "If you write better music, I'll give you a better review." [Oh, you're probably just a failed musician who doesn't understand good art. Faggot. | UR] Here's a good story: When I first started writing for Terrorizer in the mid/late '90s, I slammed a couple albums, one by some Greek black metal band (Varathron, I believe) and another was the black metal side project of Dan Lilker (ex-Nuclear Assault, Brutal Truth). Some Greek guy took deep offence to their fellow countrymen being carved on and wrote an angry letter to Terrorizer eviscerating me and claiming that I was on the "hit" list of he and a thousand Greek metal fans. Right, if you can find a thousand people who've even heard of Varathron... [Well, there's me...999 to go, I guess. | UR] Then there was Lilker's side band. I ran into Dan at a fest a couple months after the review ran and he was like, whatever, but he told me that the singer of the project (some short, angry metalhead guy with a severe Napoleon complex) was royally pissed and gnashing his teeth, calling for my head. At the time, the assistant editor of Terrorizer was on a working vacation in the States, attending shows, meeting with distributors, drinking... He went to a show at CBGB that featured this band. His name was on the list with a plus-one and this particular singer apparently waited by the door until the assistant editor dude showed up. He was waiting to see if the plus-one was going to be me and if it was, he was going to fight me there and then. [Well, Nuclear Assault are REFORMING! I'd watch your ass I were you, Spanky. | UR] Metal people are angry for all the wrong reasons, if you ask me. The second group of people who get pissed at me are people who don't have a sense of humour, especially when it relates to having their favourite bands carved on. Of course, people like this (usually prog and black metal fans) probably don't have a sense of humour about anything and are so affected by what I have to say because they possess immense insecurities about being different than popular opinion. That's the one thing I discovered early on, that metal people, despite the "brutal" image and stretch denim posturing, are some of the most conservative people on Earth. Yes, there are people out there who balance a knowledge and love of metal with a knowledge and a love of other music and those are usually the coolest people you'll meet within the scene. Otherwise, I can't understand how people don't get bored with a steady diet of Deicide, Lividity and Cannibal Corpse. [Personally, I think metalheads are more liberal than anything else. You'd have to be liberal to accept death metal and grindcore as legitimate music subgenres. Not that they're not, of course, but your average Blur or George Jones fan might not think so. | UR] Overall, I think that I don't get as much flack as people think I do because people are happy to have someone around who will tell the truth and lay it on the line whatever the consequences or fallout may be. I'm basically unmoved by trends or any pressure a press office may exert. [Which makes you like every metalhead ever. | UR] In the past there have been labels that have dropped me from their mailing lists because of this. Whatever. If I was really that into getting an album from their, or any, label, I'd just go to a record store. [Some people think you'd be a poser for saying that, you know, given how mail-order is so much more underground and shit. To each his own, I guess. | UR]

4. What's your opinion on the people you work for? Since you work for damn near everybody, this question translates into "talk shit about your employers even if it means being blackballed from getting more free shit than you already do."

Generally, everyone I work for is pretty cool, which is partly the reason I work for them. I've had writing gigs in the past where the people in charge wouldn't know their asses from a hole in the wall or were so arrogant and self-important that it was a chore even communicating with them, so I bailed. There are certain things I'd like to have run a bit more smoothly, specifically I speak of getting paid within a reasonable time period. Dealing with Terrorizer's administration is the worst. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to not only get paid, but to get an issue of the magazine, a magazine I had some role (however small) in creating for fuck's sake! Whatever, these are the kinds of things you have to put up with when working freelance: people think you're doing them a grand ol' favour and that you shouldn't be compensated in due time for whatever reasons. There are times when I read Metal Maniacs or Unrestrained! and think to myself that the only good bands featured are the bands I've written about, but that comes down more to pure personal tastes and pickiness than anything those guys are doing wrong. I mean, I basically get to say whatever I want about bands I like or don't like when writing reviews and I only ever interview bands I like being with, so I can't really complain.

5. Isn't River City Ransom the greatest NES game ever? Sure, you can make a case for Super Mario Bros. 3, the first three Mega Man games or Sunday Funday, but come on, nothing beats kicking the shit out of people with steel chains and garbage cans.

Whatever you say. I can't say I've ever been big into playing video games. [This was another joke question. Shit, give the guy an inch and he turns it into a whole gaddamn yard. | UR] In fact, it's been about a year since I've been anywhere near a video game console. A friend and I went down to Michigan Fest last year and we stayed at his friend's place in Windsor. We got there and this guy is on this weekend long binge date with some chick he apparently has been trying to bone for the better part of the previous year and she finally relented to go out with him. They were getting along quite well (read: my friend and I would be sitting in his place in the living room with the sounds of their bedroom lust entertaining us as we attempted to sleep) so obviously he wasn't into entertaining the likes of us. We ended up playing Grand Theft Auto on his Playstation 2 for hours, just going around destroying shit. It was funny for the first half hour, but I just can't get into it to the extent of wanting to go out and get my own console, entering gaming competitions or reading gaming mags. [You mean you've never wanted to start your own site talking about how all the latest games suck? Those sites are all the rage these days! | UR] That'll probably change once my son hits the age he wants to start into that shit and because he's an only child, he'll need someone to play with...lucky me.

6. Is it normal to do more than one 'zine over a long period of time? Anyone who's followed, say, me over a long period of time knows how many times I've changed the focus, name and/or writing style of this 'zine. Next week, the name of this 'zine will be Digimetal Online Insanity and Anti-eMpTyV Crush Fucking Posers Sickzine. Whaddaya think?

Why not? It's not like you're editing something like Rolling Stone or [Alternative Press] where changing the name, direction, style and/or content focus is akin to possible commercial suicide. The great thing about 'zines is that you're responsible to no one but yourself. I did a 'zine for a long time under one name [Doomhauled. Why do I have to be the journalist over here? | UR] but went through a bunch of different looks, content focuses, layouts and whatever before giving it all up. I suppose I could've changed the name a bunch of times, but I had a name I liked. At the same time, there was a lot of natural progression. It's the same when you're discussing being single and going around getting laid by every ditchpig hanging out at the local watering hole on Friday night. Until you're responsible to someone other than yourself, feel free to do whatever the hell you want. That's the way it should be.

7. Is there a market for a comic where a creature that looks like a humanoid version of Dot from Animaniacs runs around kicking the shit out of demons and vampires? I ask this because I think "Vampire Hunter D" has the potential to become the biggest hit since Hellboy or whatever shitty comic Frank Miller's doing now. Plus, Dot has REALLY BIG TITS.

I don't want anyone fucking with my Dot fantasies. I have scads of old Animaniacs episodes on tape and I've hosed down my chest hair manys a time in her honour. [Jess fucking Franco, I was making an anime reference and he gives me more than I really wanted to know about him. I mean, wouldn't it make more sense to whack off to Hello Nurse anyway? | UR] Actually - and I don't profess to know anything about comic books as I've never really been into them and have no real vested interest in the culture as I can barely draw a conclusion, let alone a picture - if you look at the present state of animation and the tools available to artists, anything's possible. Who would've thought that something as one-dimensional and rudimentary as South Park would be so massive? And really, who's the nastier ho-bucket: Cartman's mom or Dot? [Cartman's mom. Like that's even a contest. | UR] If there's a decent enough story behind the worst drawn pictures, you're still halfway ahead of the game than most sitcoms. I think back to the Seinfeld episode when George and Jerry are pitching the idea of a show about nothing to the NBC people and the executive guy asks, "If it's a show about nothing, why am I watching it?" George replies, "Because it's on TV." Someone somewhere will always love the worst possible shit available and call it ice cream. I've always had a theory about bands: no matter how bad your band is, you'll probably be able to find someone who'll go on record claiming you as their favourite band. If it's out there, some idiot will find it and love it. This explains how the ugliest people continue to get laid.

8. How do you find the metal scene as of late? Is there a lot of "me too"-ness floating around in the scene? I think I've already heard some bands that are ripping off subgenres their originators created ten minutes ago. Oh, and for some reason they've been signed to Earache already.

Things have always been like that though, it's just that now that you have more bands, more labels, more distributors and so on, it's that much more prevalent. Think of the way the Bay Area thrash scene was ripped off left, right and center by every where else in the world, especially when the bands from San Fran started showing up on tour buses with a little money in their pockets. I don't think that will ever change. The numbers of copycats will increase and decrease based on how popular the scene/sound being ripped off gets, but the general thievery will always be with us. Look at all the Elvis rip offs that never got anywhere back in the '50s and '60s. [Elvis ripped off Carl Perkins and a bunch of black R&B bands anyway. | UR] I mean, The Dillinger Escape Plan don't even sell anywhere close to the numbers Elvis was tearing through and they have kick started an entire movement of guys who think that taking music lessons will make them a great band. [That's usually what music lessons tend to do. Well, that and knowing how to write a decent motherfuckin' song. | UR] The scene as a whole will always be something that I love and hate. I'm obviously a very critical listener and I can't deny that a lot of what's out there sucks dog balls. However, when that band/album comes along that blows me away - for whatever reason - I will totally lose myself in their music and go on record as a supporter as much as possible. The problem is that there's too much music out there that's just okay, as opposed to being totally amazing. I think part of the problem is the fact that it's not difficult to record, package and release your own material. That, and the fact that everybody seems to be running a label and putting out whatever nonsense their friends come up with or comes their way unsolicited. Really, how many bands are prepared enough or good enough to be putting out full lengths? Shouldn't most of the bands out there still be cutting their teeth in the practice space? I'd wager affirmative on that one. I think that the desire for immediate gratification that's such a part of our present day socialization has bands out there looking for instant recognition for the first 4 songs they wrote after a month of rehearsal and if they don't get it, they get frustrated and are onto the next project. That there's always someone around who will put out this and market it as "the greatest thing since..." is a problem as well.

9. So, what side are you going to be on when the U.S.-Iraq war comes to a full head? Does this war seem necessary? Is George Bush Jr. ripping off Dad's routine or does he just want attention?

Oh Christ, I could spend the rest of the week discussing the ins and outs of this whole thing [DON'T! DON'T! | UR], as I have on many occasions with the little woman when we really should have been exploring each others' orifices. Ever since 9/11 I've been of the unwavering opinion that if the concept of religion didn't exist, we wouldn't have half the bullshit going on in the world that goes on these days. Of course, the entire staff at CNN would be unemployed and watching the news would be pretty much watching extended weather reports, lost pet notices and sports coverage. I'm of the opinion that most people are peace loving folk who are sick of people killing each other and, if left to their own devices and philosophies, would essentially get along with each other. I'm not saying the world would be like some big crimeless love-in, but people would be able to walk down the streets of certain countries without fear of being randomly shot, stoned or suicide bombed into oblivion and I devised an idea to deal with this belief. My idea is to take all the world's leaders who are so hellbent on going to war and using their armies to battle other armies (ie. not actually do any fighting themselves) to a big tract of uninhabited land in Siberia, Africa or the Australian outback. There, they can threaten each other and kick each other's ass to kingdom come. The winner can keep that chunk of land while the rest of the world lives in peace and goes on with their daily living. [It's a decent idea but somehow I think you're ripping off a George Carlin routine. | UR] Having said all that, I guess you could say I'm anti-war, but I do realize that every instance of freedom and democracy in the world today, and its maintenance has been the result of some sort of military aggression. I think that in addition to having a peaceful majority of people inhabiting this planet, there are those who see that and crave dominance and control of other people and want to impose their will and ideals onto those they are at odds with. I mean as much as people rag on Dubya, I'd rather be living in the country next to his than the country next to Saddam Hussein's. I'm also more secure with America having weapons of mass destruction than I am Iraq. Whatever I, or anyone outside the Presidential-Military-Governmental loop, thinks this whole hubbub is about, they're probably only scratching the surface. There are so many major and minor factors and agendas that are on and under the table in the world politics scene that to say that it's all about oil or all about having Israel as the dominant force in the Mid-East, is ridiculously simplistic and takes the typical one-dimensional left wing approach. Sorry if that's a bit of an "all over the place" answer, but I tried to keep things as succinct as possible and not ramble on. Look at it like this: I'm not into war, but I understand the need and basis for military aggression; I won't be at any anti-war protests because the heads of state stopped listening to the people a long time ago; they should have offed Hussein when they had the chance 12 years ago [A-fucking-men. Although I'd have wanted them to kill Hussein back in 1988 before he gassed his own people. | UR], it's not like this guy is just some innocent leader everyone is picking on for no reason; even if there is a war, the US will probably win in about 35 minutes anyway.

10. Do you think "extreme" metal will ever make an impact on the mainstream? I mean, the major labels gave bands that are a diluted version of the Cheater Slicks a try. They gave Queens of the Stone Age and Nashville Pussy a try. Are The Dillinger Escape Plan, Nasum and Vulgar Pigeons far behind?

Depends how you define impact. I remember back in the mid-'90s Napalm Death became media darlings of the mainstream press over in the UK. It got to the point where alt-rock and shoegazers (not to mention that clown from Dream Theater sporting a ND shirt in a video) were wearing Napalm shirts and people were seen all over sporting Napalm gear. Only problem was that most of these people had never actually heard the band and were just sporting the "latest find" that NME had trumpeted. Whether this constitutes an actual impact is highly suspect and difficult to defend. Dillinger are kind of in the same boat. NME love the band and said they were the best band at the last Reading Festival, which no doubtedly will propel them forward somewhat, but to what degree? Like you alluded to, watered down versions of what we as underground supporters know might, at some point, have an impact, but I'm not holding my breath. There are bands that are awesome for being bands who take a variety of aspects to illogical extremes (example, Dillinger's music and live show), but to the mainstream world, it's probably way too much to comprehend the beauty of. Just from seeing Dillinger open for the likes of Mr. Bungle and hearing the stories from their Euro tour with System of a Down, I call tell you that a lot of so-called "heavy music" fans are overwhelmed by them. At the same time, as long as the music my favourite bands continue to pump out is great, I personally am not really too concerned with who's listening. I'm certainly not going to base my record collection on what someone else thinks.

11. Are there any bands and/or 'zines you could recommend to the readers? They can be any genre, any form of music. Hell, they can be on Earache or Nuclear Blast if you feel so arsed to scrape the bottom of their proverbial barrels. Myself, I recommend Speedealer. (Inside joke)

I don't get it. [Yes you do, you schmuck. I had regularly corresponded with Kevin Stewart-Panko prior to this interview and I told him how bad the newest Speedealer album was. Which it is. Of course, I liked an EC8OR album he hated so I shouldn't talk. | UR] I believe I mentioned the quality 'zines above somewhere. As far as bands go...I could thrown down a list ridiculously long [NO! NO! | UR] that no one would ever be able to fully check out without winning the lottery. Twice. Are you talking recent releases and specifically metal/hardcore or not? [It's an open-ended question. Needless to say, he went nuts on this one. | UR] If not, go get Johnny Cash's albums that were recorded live in Folsom and San Quentin prisons. They fucking rule! Also, I can't say enough about Ornette Coleman's The Shape of Jazz to Come, Free Jazz and New York is Now!, anything Björk or John Zorn dips their weird little fingers into, Sam & Dave, Elvis' 30 #1 Hits has been pretty much been going non-stop here since last fall. Bands with recent releases? Off the top of my head: Suicide Note, The Rocking Horse Winner, Since By Man, Caliban, Dysrhythmia, Hope and Suicide, The Cancer Conspiracy, Isis [Overrated. | UR], Yakuza, 5ive's Continuum Research Project, The Blood Brothers, Time in Malta [Far did it better. | UR], Carnal Forge, Spiritual Beggars...fuck I should stop before this gets too out of hand... [Thank fuck you did. | UR]

12. Any final thoughts on this shitty interview?

I know I make way too much use of phrases like "depends on..." and "at the same time..." when answering questions and I'd like to apologize if that seems wishy-washy. [I'm okay with it. | UR] It's just that I was always taught to investigate and analyze from all possible angles and that's what happens because there are at least two sides to every story and, in all actuality, what is right and what is wrong comes down to your own beliefs and opinions. I have my personal thoughts and opinions, but that doesn't make me automatically right about anything. I'm just in a position to spout off from a particular point of view. Otherwise, thanks for the interview and I hope we meet up again like we did last time on the set of that gay porn flick you were starring in... [First Emerson Shiff and now you. Where the hell does this "gay porn" schtick come from? Maybe I should call myself Max Brutality from now on. | UR]