Reviews and a Gimmick! YAYAY

#13. THE REVIEW-A-DAY COLUMN 2004

HOLY SHIT! I ACTUALLY UPDATED WITHIN A MONTH? FUCK ME!

Okay, let me be serious for a moment. Since my frequent bouts of shitty health have wreaked havoc on my love/hate of promoting bands and labels (oh, and I'm paying for some of the albums now - tell me I'm a leech now, cockwaggers), I shall be blunt. I am planning on doing a review every day for at least the next four months (I might slow down for the summer, but you get the point.) The reasons for this are twofold: I'm trying to get over on a gimmick, and my backlog of promos and bought stuff is larger than Big Show's gut. (Seriously, he's big all over, especially in the areas of wasted talent and lack of personality!) Therefore, UR #13 will be the permanent site of the reviews section for 2004.

Now, 2003's output that was actually reviewed shall be brought onto the site sometime, but not now. Seriously, some of the albums are more than six months old and promoting them here six months after I've already promoted them on Tragenda or Space Junkies ain't exactly kosher business tactics, mang. I'm sorry in advance to the labels and bands who sent stuff to Sweetpea/Sweetposer Entertainment for review, but it's time to face facts. I was for the large part inactive in 2003, so I'll try to correct that for 2004. Everything I've reviewed since 2002 might be here soon or never. I'll let you know.

Now, since most of you can't read beyond fourth-grade English (note: this is a joke) I've done some pretty pictures to rate the stuff I review. To wit:

Absolute shit gets the pregger with the bird shoved between her mammaries. You don't want this picture beside your product, trust me.

This is the 1/5 button, David Arquette winning the WCW World title. Simply put, I hated the album and this is not exactly the most desirable of pictures to be privy to. Just like Arquette's win was shitty business practice, so is your band's existence as it stands at the moment. Improve or leave.

2/5 gets you this picture of Triple H and Stephanie McMahon getting lovey-dovey. The album has its moments but it's rather mediocre, all told. It's kinda like Trips' career, really.

3/5, and you get Chynna Doll and standard Indian pop singer. Not the worst, not the best.

Very good, 4/5 albums get Hacksaw Jim Duggan and the WCW TV Title (well, not literally). It wasn't the best album ever but it was a decent effort.

Great or perfect albums get...fuck, do I have to draw you a fucking picture?...all right, it's Mr. Perfect. Screw off.

The pantheon of greatness, the above-perfect albums, get drunk Jake Roberts. Simply put, you cannot go higher than this. His absolute low is your absolute high.

Okay, final unreadable section. Here is a list of people I'd like to thank for a decent 2003 (I'd do 2002, too, but in all seriousness that year was a waste for me) I'd like to thank the following:

Jonathan Crimmins, just for being himself.
Earsplit PR, for continuing to give a shit about UR and understanding the plight of the music reviewer.
Alfio of Tragenda, obvious reasons.
Wednesday Elektra of Space Junkies, obvious reasons.
Jake (of Tales From Uranus), Held Under, Kevin Stewart-Panko, Suhrim, Dr. Wily and the Robot Masters. Reason: I interviewed them and they gave me answers back.
The Toronto Star's music reviewing staff and four-fifths of the writing staff of Exclaim! Your collective ineptitude at music journalism gives me the strength to carry on.
Gas World Distribution, Ghetto Blaster Productions, Bloodbucket Productions and CDN Records for being good distros.
Goden of Eternal Frost (R.I.P.), for being the high point of Internert metal promotion.
Dale Roy of Canadian Assault.
Cultcuts, Rantcore (literal R.I.P.) and Flak You Not (R.I.P.), for sending 'zines.
The bands and labels that sent me shit for review: Descending Darkness, F.O.B., Hollow Bunny Records, Project: Failing Flesh, One Step Beyond, Chris Stepniewski of Noisecore Freak and Murder By Static, Dustsucker, Bloodcult, Hollywood Superstars, IV Luna, Death Du Jour, Incendium, Honey For Christ, Andy Low of Robotic Empire, Trostlos Records, Stereoskop/Maldoror Records, B.T.O.D. Records, Kick Promotion Agency, Drunkabilly Records, Halley, A New Low Records (BIG hails to you, ya daft motherfucker), Firebox Records, Devil Doll Records, pyscheDOOMelic Records, Desperator, Exsecratum (although I think that was from 2002...sorry for the belatedness), Time of Orchids, Morte Interna, Orcustus, Solekahn, Mutala, Eric Honse of Wisteria Losenge, Rain Novelty, Sadistic Blood Massacre, Byfist, Skitzo, VLE, Scent of Death, Maple Cross, Conquest, and anyone else I forgot.
The Charlatan, for throwing out their promos continually (and, uh, letting me write for them).
Jeremy Wiley, for being a good friend.
My parents, for putting up.
Lloyd Kaufman of Troma, for being a decent man.
Finally, anyone else I forgot. I love catch-alls like this.

Anyway, since you so don't care about all this insipid shit, the reviews.

GO!